Just a small peek*

                                  I went back to my old blog to take a look and found links to some of my friends' old blogs- so nostalgic, feels so silly- all of us were that much younger just a short while back!

I must have been crazy. Finals are in a week, but I'm feeling the peace. I haven't prepared much, that is an understatement by the way (I am severely lacking in preparation). Not that I have been doing anything fruitful- just a lot of distraction, inability to focus, bad stints in the head, and ill-discipline. One side I just really want to say that I will go by faith and rely on God's strength, but that trade-off doesn't look justified in any sense. After all, those time that I have "squandered" away had not helped/served His purpose in any sense. "It's by grace and not by works..." So they said.

"My Redeemer" plays in the background, and it goes "I believe~, I believe!" Regardless of the context, I just want to put my trust and hope in my God! Whatever, however it may turn out, help the helpless me, and let me be convinced of Your plan for me.

I must have been crazy. Finals are in a week, but I'm feeling the peace. Tomorrow I will be taking the early ferry to Tanjong Pinang (my forth time there I think) for my church's mission outreach. I had wanted to commit after my commission, but it's been 9 months (ie. 9 trips) and the misses I had in between only serve to prick at my conscience. Yet, exams didn't feel like a good excuse, and I will be going ahead nevertheless. O Lord, bless Your people! May Your presence be fill the place, and the joy that comes from You overflow in the town! 

I must have been crazy. I am only 21, but I am already a Godpa. My God son is 13 years old, a divine arrangement that never fails to marvel me- that the age gap is the same as the one I have with my Godpa. It is very exciting- for my God son and for my cell. That day I have finally decided on the name of my cell- MY cell. "MY" connotes an ownership that each individual will have a claim of that cell, and "MY" abbreviates for "aM Yours"- the humble submission of each individual to His sovereignty! I hope they like it, and I certainly pray that they are just as excited to embark on this new phase in life. O Lord, grant me the wisdom! May Your Spirit guide me as each of these lives, I take on to participate in their moulding. Just as Solomon humbly cried out to You, who am I indeed, that I should be worthy to lead this great people of Yours. Will You just teach me Your ways, and may this cell grow to glorify You!

I must have been crazy, crazy in the Lord's name!The joy that comes from Him, the source of peace that I tap from, the hope that I have in Him- crazy joy is a rational response to everything that may seem irrational! 

Summer's green; a toddler's glean.
New steps into an adventure; growth of faith hits a difficult fixture.
Darting seconds, life's evolution escapes an attention;
Judah reckons, memory theater screens the childhood's animation.
Fondness, boy smiles;
Goodness, he watches the thousand miles.
The repacking of faith; a joy not of the world.
A hope I haith; O boy! It's greater beyond gold, incense or myrrh!

1 Corinthians 2:14
"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God,
for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned."

When I see not, then faith shall be my eye. 
I am a turning-4-years-old Christian, and through this period of getting to know Him, I have been transformed in some ways which had pretty much evaded my attention. My attitude toward life, toward friends, toward people around me, toward myself, toward situation, have all taken a revolution. I dare not say I have become more holy, but I certainly hope that I have grown closer to Him, and the testament that I have become more God-centred is definitely a most-welcome compliment. And all these, I have only gratitude for Him.


13th May 2012.
It was Friday, the 13th. The tabooed day of the folklore.
Whether that particular day had been inauspicious, I have come through numerous of such. Statistics have it that it's not that difficult for a month's 13th day to fall on a Friday after all. However, this particular one, this one in May 2012, gave me a good prompt. 
The monthly prayer and praise took place a week later than usual due to the first Friday of the month being Good Friday. It was an unusual environment, and I was a different me from the previous time I was there. 4 years on, during which I have surrendered much, yet blessed much more; hurt much, yet comforted much more; lost much, yet gained much more, that night was going to be another one of those big nights.


Pastor prophesied over me. "A different path, a different journey, one that is different from everyone; there could be troubles, struggles or sacrifices, but it will bring glory; glory to Him." 
Pleasure, honor, prestige, excitement- this revelation would have been all of these if it had not been a second time. Slightly more than a month back, someone else told me almost exactly the same thing. It had seem like a heads-up for me more than anything else. After all, I am still a fresh undergrad, and even after that I would have a 4 year bond to fulfill. However good/cool it sounded, to me it all belongs to a distant future, of which I would gladly just wait in anticipation. 2 months on, it came back again. But why? IF it's for the distant future when I'm finally 28, then why that revelation again? Reminder? Prompt? Urge? 


Then came 2 or 3 sleepless nights (I cannot remember), the first of which gave me a weird impression. Medical condition, sounds like something that came from myself (except that this time round, it didn't feel like it). The pieces of jig-saw will fall into place eventually, but for a while I was knocked over. Confusion took over, hesitation, reluctance- the thing was buried, but the faith is returning. He will see me through indeed.

Maundy Thursday

Daddy,
Season comes season goes, but You alone stand still and do not waver. I have had my fair bit of spiritual highs and lows, and in all these I just want to give You thanks for all of them. Even occasions where I might have developed the tendency to grow numb towards, occasions where I simply just overlook and fail to capture Your delicate movements in my life, occasions where I take for granted and assume one too many matter-of-course, I just want to commit that aspect of my life back into Your hands. Lord, take it from me and may You just grant me the sensitivity, the compassionate heart, and help me to understand and perceive the right feelings I should sense, the ways of Jesus. Help me to continue to be hopeful and joyful in the knowledge that You are near, and help me to understand Your heart.
On this maundy Thursday, when a certain friend question about the significance of such a term, Lord, I just want to commit this day into Your hands. It's a day of thanksgiving, an ironical arrangement when the best piece of news has to take place on the same day as occurrence of the Heaven's tragedy. O lord, how should we, that You would give Your Son for us when we were still sinners. We have so much iniquities- even at this moment as I write this blog, my ungratefulness prompted distractions from sneezing and even a lackluster efforts for a deliberate dedication- of time, of attention, of self. 
Some years back, I watched Passion of the Christ, and many commented that what You had gone through were many many times more- how can I fathom, but yet the knowledge faded with time. Like how You had been disappointed in the Garden of Gethsemane- Lord, help me to not doze off, and at each command and each calling You have given me, I seek that You will continually fill me and replenish, for a divine source of strength I have in You, and I want to claim the promise You made about those who are weary can come to You and not faint. So Lord, I pray for a rebuilding, that You will continually search my heart, and much like the God's chisel, You will just break me down in accordance to Your will and design.
Lord, those rant about the wake, even those about the closure, I have gone through a bit, nothing comparable, yet I pray for favor and discernment that those will indeed be pleasing in Your sight, that all those will bring glory to Your name as I seek to act in obedience. 
Lord, as I come to the end of the semester, and perhaps the transition to a new season, I pray for revelation. Each stint of excitement I have had when serving You, I pray for You to sustain them and keep the flame burning for You. That each time, I will find joy in the anticipation for Your great works to be unfold, and through all these, I want to give You thanks for the privilege to be an active participant and observer of Your good works! 
I just want to pray for R, E, B, K that indeed, You will just guard their heart, and as they go through this season in life, this season of growing and seeking and exploring new things, You will reign mightily in their lives. In Jesus name, I proclaim Your protection upon their development, that indeed boundaries will be set up to keep them within the Holy standards that You have yearned for. Lord, purify their heart, and raise them up to become true men and woman who are after Your heart. Lord, I commit them into Your hands, and pray indeed, for Your favor to be upon them, that indeed in all things, they will be able to see traces of Your mighty intervention, that they will have no worries, but to just go in faith and hope to proclaim boldly Your goodness in their lives! 
All these, I just want to continue to give You praise and thanks!
In Christ's most precious name I pray,
Amen!

Your child,

Judah

The darkest moment in preparation;
In Garden G. my Lord cried in desperation.
A lonely forlorn figure,
destined to be abandoned by even the closest disciple.
"Spare me from this agony" my Lord plead,
Yet with eyes fixed on the fulfillment of Your purpose, He humbly concede.
"Let Your will be done",
thus, the Love message has come.
With Mercy lavished, the withholding of what we deserve;
And Grace given, the outpouring of that we do not deserve.

Matthew 26: 56
"But this has all taken place that the writings of the prophets might be fulfilled."

the good, the bad, the in-between

A taste of life- 人生的滋味－ 涩涩的，苦苦的，甜甜的，酸酸的。
三天，短暂的三天，仿佛经历生命快程列车 。一切的一切，毫无保留，赤裸裸的展现在我眼前。并非我所要求；若有选择，谁不希望人生这道菜只有单味－那就是甜。
It's been an eventful 3 days. How can I complain when the Libyans and the Malians are struggling to survive in hot waters each day; much less an overwhelmingly incomparable use of the term "eventful". I have been receiving newsletter update from Partners Intl and Samaritan's Purse, having made a couple of donations via the organization previously. 生活在水深火热之中，马利与黎巴嫩国民天天与枪火搏斗，生活之困苦若没亲身体会，又怎能明白? 或许科技发达；或许搓手无策，世间惨案播报的普遍率似乎替人类打了一计特强麻醉药，面对生命的流逝，我产生了一种默然。Lord Jesus, grant me the kind of compassion for Your people, and help me to be like You, that even I may be far, even I may not know them, help me to know how You feel, and help me to yearn for the salvation of many as You have done so. 
I dare not make any audacious claim, but I guess it's a different kind of struggle altogether at this part of the world, something which most of what our people can comprehend, something closer to home; something closer to heart- Results, relationship, and the infrequent occurrences of deaths; the passing on of a close one.
生命中有许多moments. We always talk about capturing the special moments: a baby's first cry, the graduation day, the blissful wedding etc. 可是在我们捕抓的当儿，却也错过了许多的理所当然－父母的慈爱，妻子的体贴，孩子的孝顺。这样的时刻，常常都是 beyond words 的。 期盼好久的一个 closure, 四年困惑的解脱， as if to be glued on the lips. It was with so much difficulty and delay to get those words out- not much, but just enough to express what I needed. Now, I just need to form the resolve and cling onto it- to remind myself that this is how it has finally closed. A closed case indeed!
朋友父亲的丧礼，left me thinking about possibilities: would I have all these good words to say when it's finally my turn, how about his salvation.
啊，好漫长的一周，发生了太多太多。疯狂的时间表终于接近尾声。欢喜之余，人生的另一阶段也即将展开。蠢蠢欲动，那种感觉曰"excitement". 四个月前的预言；这的确是一个令人兴奋的一年。放下过去，embrace what is to come.


"God has already healed me; I just need to stop hurting myself."

~Judah, March 2012