Reflection and New Year Resolution are too Mainstream

What better ways to begin a reflective/prospective journal piece with the typical "the year has flown by too quickly". The truth of the matter is that is indeed the unspoken truth. Yet, the atypical thing about 2015 is the sheer amount of milestones that have taken place. Barring the fact that there were no major tournaments in the footballing sense, 2015 has seen well, the wrong crowning of pageant (the candidate from Philippines is gorgeous). And she described the peculiar experience as "very 2015" when interviewed. 

2015 has seen many unexpected things happening, even more so at a very personal level. So I described my 2015 in 3 major events: first full year at work, first time joining the Church's board, and the first time becoming cell-less in the Christian body. To sum it up, it has been a difficult year of extreme isolation- isolated in an extreme manner, but very much self-induced. In conclusion, it was no where near ideal, but a less than perfect experience forces improvement and hones a person. So through this period, I've learnt much. 

I learnt about the importance of unity, not just in church, but in the workplace and at home as well. So gossips are very sharp knives that slice so finely, that before we knew it, things are already falling apart. So unity is the hallmark of a Christian's influence, and a sincerely-wrong good intention, while sincere, does more harm than good. Unity means it's more important to stick together and get through things side by side than to get ahead; unity means denying of self; unity means you are more important than I being right. Unity is important, period. 

I learnt that negativity spreads, and 201X was the year whereby self-justification became so so prevalent. I've been quoting Proverbs 21:2 since the turn of the year, but it never stared down so bluntly as it did in the past 1 year. So in this entire man of sorrow mode, I made enemy with the whole world. Talking about self-induced isolation. (I still dread what I see, but I do believe there are better ways to deal with it).

I learnt that I am actually pretty awesome. At 24 years of age, I've given away more than 20 grand in cash for various good causes. Barring the fact that statistically we are probably in the top few percentile in terms of wealth, I think I have given away more money than many people my age, and my kind of financial background, ever would. So I should be kinder to myself and focused on areas to improve on, and not how I am so different (in an unacceptable way from every one else). I really should stop making enemies. 

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In the upcoming year, while I will be spending my countdown at work, there are a few things that I really wish to accomplish. 

I want to learn a new skill. This is the "duh" thing, and it always appears around this time of the year. And the overly ambitious me always render me to fail big time in this area because there are just so many things that I set out to do. So for 2016, I specifically want to learn how to rollerblade. This should be manageable, and KISS should fit and work fine.

I want to become fitter. My BMI has loitered around 25 for the past 3-4 years already, and my attempt to lose weight has been on-off at best. But the audience effect at work is doing me good, and if I sustain this routine of running every morning, this too should be on track.

I want to settle into this workplace as soon as possible. While, I am finally closing up for official duties and appointments, things take time for me to get used to and comfortable with. This is the first time when I can finally stop transiting, so the sooner I get acclimatised, the faster I can get down to making the positive impact that I so desire to make. 2016 would be the time.

I want to establish and start doing something real, sustainable and substantial in the mission scene. This has to come from a deep communion with my God, so beefing up my spiritual walk would be a top top priority during this period too. 

A healthier me, a more loved me, a happier me, a more positive me, a more powerful me, a more reliable me, a more competent me, a better friend. 2016 here I come. 

With that, I am out.

Dwindling to Obscurity

In our search for life's greater purpose, many have seemed to diverge onto different paths, each to his own convictions. 

If that search had been as straightforward as a singular goal, things would have been a lot simpler, except that the journey to its attainment is also the one to its discovery. The greater purpose morphs over time. 

However, one probably would not go wrong by suggesting that the way to go is somewhat upward- whether be it leaving a lasting legacy, making a positive impact, bringing about a movement, changing the course of history, or transforming the lives of people. The general trend goes up, and that inevitably focuses our attention on the tangibles- how to get more influence, how to network, how to be more effective, how to publicise, how to rally, how to garner more resources. If you find this familiar, that is because it mirrors closely to how secular businesses are ran. Churches create marketing departments, while NGOs make publicity a major thrust of their efforts. 

So in our efforts to fulfil the great calls of our lives, we seem to have forfeited the fundamentals of what we have been shown- that it is the weak, small and oftentimes unspectacular through whom God likes to work with. It is unfortunate, but to say that it is far from what God has intended would be hugely inaccurate. God's great plan and grace have enough room for men to work our ways around, and all of us would have to concede organised and ESTABLISHED groups have impacted humanity in tremendous ways that they must have been blessed by God. Think Campus Crusade for Christ, The Salvation Army, World Vision, etc. 

Therefore, my sentiment does not aim to discount the credibility or the fruits bore by the efforts that precede me. Instead, I hope what I wrote would become an encouragement to the ones who are discouraged, struggling, confused and helpless. 

"So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honoured by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

Matthew 6:2-4

I caution against bitterness. "gimmicks", that is what I used to label anything that has a tinge of semblance to well, gimmicks. So an exaggerated piece of promotion video (to me) is a classic piece of gimmick, a large scale event graced by celebrities is another elaborated piece of gimmick. So while the intention might have been good or even Godly, somewhere deep within I harboured some sort of bitterness - toward a perceived failed promise, and a perceived sense of being under-appreciated. It was not easy. 

See, that's why Jesus placed so much emphasis on the denial of self, because it is so normal for us to expect something in return. In a culture deeply ingrained in our eastern root, this is especially so. But service unto God is selfless first. So in all our efforts to do more and more, bigger and bigger things, it helps to refocus, and it helps to take solace in His promise- that the things done in secret will be rewarded by our Father. 

I've embedded one of my favourite videos below, one that I feel perfectly encapsulates the kind of joy that is so untainted and untouched. It was about a super agent's encounter with a missed prodigy. Missed, because he never became a professional. The exchange climaxed when the agent asked him "do you know the kind of impact that would have come with your fame?" The missed prodigy replied, matter-of-factly, "you bet I do. In fact I think about it all the time, the kind of audience that I would have had, the magnitude of things that I could do with it." At this point, he turned and looked at his backyard, "but you know each time I look at these children," and he proceeded to name them one by one, and he continued, "they make the most important decision in their lives here. Being able to be a part of that and having the honour to witness that. Here, in this backyard, this is my Yankee stadium." 

Obscurity is no obscurity when my life is not lived for my own. Climbing to heights has its own danger of forgetting the initial purpose; working for heights create frustration; desiring heights contaminates the motivation. It is only when we, like what Jesus commanded, deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Him, can we truly experience the joy of fulfilling the greater purpose in life. See, if the greater purpose is bigger than me and my life, it has to be given by Someone who is bigger and greater than me. God gives, and repeatedly in the new testament, Jesus mentioned about this fullness of life in John 10:10, and Paul mentioned about a purpose that God's lovers have been called to. 

Our promise is in heaven. Woe to me who have garnered fame and wealth in this world, for my eyes are fixed upon the throne room, where my ultimate reward is found in Christ. So I pray that God help me fix my eyes upon the first love, the initial conviction, so that bitterness will not pose a hindrance nor a cause for jealousy to disrupt the work in Christ. 

Unqualified (the Beginning of Unconditional Giving)

Where does helping begin? Somehow being Christian is almost synonymous to giving help. After all, the bible emphasises much on loving your neighbour- what better ways to express this love than helping them. Don't get me wrong- this is definitely not just an extrapolation of the motherhood statement to love all and hate none. The bible is quite explicit when it comes to helping- clothe the cold, feed the hungry, visit the sick. 

So let me ask again? Where then does helping begin? 
In the year of 2015, my second year into becoming a full-fledged self-sustaining working adult was also the second year when I experienced the tension of giving. One such tensions was the tension of competing needs: in a world so extensively connected and a hub like Singapore whereby you get access to information about the Syrian crisis, the plane crash, the earthquakes, the floods, the pandemics, the human trafficking, the wars, the refugee crisis; frankly, how do you help? William Wilberforce's impactful challenge to not turn a blind eye to the situation around us, while appealing and compelling, edges close to the side of impracticality and unreal. So granted, over the years the forerunners and our predecessors, in the name of efficiency and wisdom-sharing, have much to advise- the dummy's guide to choosing a worthy cause to help with. 

Except that perhaps, over time many have missed the point. A "worthy cause" is the issue. 

I am sponsoring a child whom I love dearly. I call him my son. My eyes glow each time I speak about him. In fact, I love to talk about him, the cause, the impact and the possibilities that entail with all these givings. And I reckon people like to hear about it too. They might have been inspired even. But that's about as far as "feeling good gets". Recently, I was sharing about this meaningful cause to a friend, who went as far as to express his interest to do likewise. That was until he also shared about his intent to ensure success. To quote his exact words, "if I were to give, I would want to ensure that the child is successful." Who wouldn't? Seriously, I want my child to become a vagabond (sarcasm added)! Following up with that, how many of us could beat our chest and say "I could". The reality of the matter is that none of us can ensure success- even for our own children who may live through their childhood under our close supervision, given the best education and preparation programs, they may not guarantee success still; much less in an environment much harsher than what we have been accustomed to.  

That, is the problem. We make pre-requisites in the name of prudence, and we apply the concept of investments when we consider whether or not to give to a cause. We seem to forget that when God chose us, we were the least qualified to do His works, much less, worthy of His Son. Look again, and we see the likes of Peter, Paul, Matthew, James, John, David, Jonah, Rahab, Jacob, Moses, and yes even Judas Iscariot. These people had been chosen and used by God in varying degrees throughout the course of history, and God being all knowing included the least likely of candidates as part of His ace-team; even those who would ultimately fail Him- the likes of Judas and Gehazi, and to a lesser extent, Solomon. 

That, is the beauty. God teaches us to look at possibilities instead of statistics; an empty vessel waiting to be filled instead of a broken vessel that can never be filled. Granted, limited resources, high demands, lack, are some of the very real challenges we face; and being prudent is perhaps justifiable in that light. Yet, we need to be mindful if we choose to track that course. Philippians 4:8 helps to frame out mind in a manner that is Christ-like and Christ-centred- think about all that is true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Period. Everything else is worries uncalled for; serving only to cloud our purity and crowd out all that is good. Allowing the possibility to fail is where God would come through in His wholeness- when all else fail, in our weaknesses His strength is shown, and He deserves all the glory. 

That, is the mandate given to us. To love, to care, to walk alongside is our part; to transform, to reciprocate, to grow is God's. In fact, the only mandate that has some sort of a string attached is when it comes to teaching- teach a child so that he will not turn to the left or right when he grows up (Proverbs 22:6). Therefore it is high time that we relook at our motives in all our good intent to obey God's commandment- what it means to deny ourselves and follow Him. I suggest, one of the areas that we ought to first deny ourselves is the tendency for us to assume saviour. Trust me, it feels good to be needed, and it definitely is addictive to feel important. The moment we drop these, we would be more willing to go low; go to their level and then perhaps, we would become more generous with our giving and less ready with our skepticism. There is value in the old wisdom of "putting ourselves in other people's shoes". These shoes fit better when we go low. The moment we drop these, things like disappointment would almost certainly mean very different things; because dropping these allows us to take up our right place to let God be God. Things like results and outcomes are God's portion, while we take up the straightforward part of serving, harvesting, and trusting in His promises. 

Unconditional giving is inspired by love, and God is love. 

Discipleship

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who brings good news. 

It is indeed very important to share the Gospel, but to what end? See, many of today's evangelism efforts seem to be focused on pushing the message outward. Yet, during Jesus's 3 years of ministry, He was more than happy to reject any new follower. Just look at Luke 9. 

We see suitability, we see fit, we see qualification, all of which almost seem to imply that we ought to be worthy of the Gospel. There is some degree of truth in this, but worthiness of the Gospel has nothing to do with how much we deserve it. It has everything to do with how willing we are to bear it. Bear because it is and will not be easy. Luke 9 told us to count the cost and pick up our cross. It leads to sacrifice, and it will cost us. 

So on this side of the world, I think it is important to remind us what it means to follow Christ. I ever read a book titled "Jesus's Freaks". It is a collection of the stories of Martyrs, so one of them wrote a note that reads like this: "do not worry for me, and pray only that I will cling on to my faith regardless of the situation. On the other hand, I worry for you, that the comfort of your environment will dull you into complacency and you would do away with the need to rely on God." 

This is the danger of a feel good Christianity. In my country, many people are generally well to do, and comfortable Christianity is a common thing. Being a Christian is almost equivalent to having a good fellowship, having a good job, having a good family, but Jesus clearly demanded a lot a lot more. 

I implore all of us to reflect upon our walk with Christ. In our prayer, what do we ask for; in our daily living, what do we prioritise on; how do we spend our money; how do we spend our time. Each will reveal an area of your heart; and then count the cost of following Christ. 

Discipleship is important, but discipleship is real as well. If we make discipleship into going through materials, or mere intellectual discussion of God's Word, then we are missing the point. Paul says, "imitate me as I imitate Christ". Few mentorship model illustrates the relationship better than that. So this reality of following Christ details into the cost, the consideration, the sacrifices and more. 

Evangelism without discipleship is like cleaning up a leak without repairing the crack. The church experience momentary spurt in number, but when difficult time strikes, the number dwindles. 

What it means to follow Christ- choose the bitter-sweet. It's very clear in the bible. Those who deny themselves, pick up their cross and follow Him.

Reflection about Grace

Grace is getting what we do not deserve; mercy is withholding what we deserve, so they say. 

Grace is not holding against you. Grace has nothing to do with just forgiveness. Grace is costly. In light of justice, wrong has to be righted. So in light of a just God, grace is served. It is not just a decision to forgive. It is "I take on your debt and settle it for you"; so it costs Me much- I had to give My Son; but the gracious Me deemed that necessary and appropriate by My standards. As such, we understand it when Paul says, by no means should we continue sinning because of grace; but knowing God's grace transforms us from the inside out. God's grace is self-sacrificial; God's grace is costly. Debt is wiped only because it is paid. 

So when we say we show and demonstrate grace, it goes beyond a personal decision. It is a deliberate intent to lose some in order to gain some -losing in the form of denial of rights; losing in the form of forfeiting the need to be right; losing in the form of taking the place of wrong; losing in the form of paying. And then, all in exchange of the one and only thing of worth (in God's eyes)- souls. 
So, grace is beyond withholding what you deserve, and grace is beyond getting what you do not deserve. Grace only because God takes the place of receiving what we deserve; grace only because the truly deserving One stepped into the gap and paid the price. 
Therefore, how can there be room for cheap grace? Grace of value; the huge price tabled. So, do not behave like a spoilt brat and live a life of "after all it has been paid for already," but grow up in maturity to know that "it cost much; it must be precious; I must cherish."

The Things We Don't Usually Hear About

2 weekends ago, a team went to Tanjong Pinang and conducted a first-ever adventure camp for an orphanage.  I was told to share about the camp, but what about? We have pulled it off like many other events did before, and the camp definitely left a sweet aftertaste to have had that opportunity to partner God and to do something good. So when I was told to share, I wondered, apart from the typical things, what did God want to convey to the congregation through the Tanjong Pinang ministry.

Coincidentally a week ago, I got a Facebook notification showing this photo. Facebook told me that it’s been 4 years since it has been taken. I have lost track, but 4 years is a long time, and the ministry which I’ve first joined back in 2011 has undergone much changes, and many more challenges.

Most of the time the journey was filled with doubts because frankly, fruits were few and far between. Every year we meet to discuss the way forward, I always asked, what’s the point? Being the impatient me, I wanted to do something more dramatic, more promising, and basically bigger, but each year went by like a meandering stream. I went through short periods of exile lasting up to half a year, but always got drawn back to this ministry. Over the years, we saw all kinds of servers- people who came to see-see-look-look, people who came to “gain experiences”, people who came to “contribute” etc. 4 years went by, many people joined and many people left, but the few who stayed were not the most qualified by any measures.

Over the 4 years, I’ve taken away much, and the one lesson that tops it off is this: God’s will and its fulfillment do not and will never rely on men. Regardless of the presence or absence of good plans, good people, good talents, or even good intentions, God is the only One who is capable of bringing to fruition His good plans for humanity. So 3 years back we’ve had an outdoor activity for Sonshine kids; 2 years ago we’ve had a Christmas evangelistic program; last year we’ve had a barbecue fellowship, and this year an adventure camp for the children from the orphanage. If God were to be taken out of any of the abovementioned, none of these that we’ve been a part of would have been fulfilled.

Yet, even in the difficult times, when long planning and hard works were put into place, and yet results do not show, we’ve learnt the bittersweet. About half a year ago, we conducted a parenting talk, and the turnout was a miserable 4 or 5 mothers. These are the things on the field which we do not hear about, because the lauding crowd loves successful story. Yet, at the point of writing, countless missionaries had to be evicted from Great Britain because their licenses were being revoked. And in view of these, it’s easy to question God if perhaps we might have heard wrongly; or that if this is an indication from God for a closed door.

I will not hesitate to tell you, in my 4 years of serving on the field, countless times I’ve talked to my sister about the ministry. If a good tree bears good fruits, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruits, then does not seeing fruits definitely mean that the efforts, time and money we have sown were in vain? Martha Myers and Jim Elliot were respectively killed on the very mission fields they were sent to, Adoniram Judson was first denied access to India; and then waited for 6 long years before he had the joy to lead someone to Christ in Burma. God’s timing is not the way we understand things to be, neither is His way.

At the beginning of this year when I proposed to hold a camp for the orphanage, with every good intention of wanting to equip the group of local youths whom we have been walking alongside for 2 years, I was only hoping that these youths would understand why we were doing what we did, month in month out. I was hoping to inspire a small group of youths to step up in their walk with God to become the light in this part of the world. So we went about sounding out that possibility.

Months went by, and there were a lot more dread than anything else because it was taking up so much from all of us. We were exhausted and expanded, in terms of energy and time. So if I were to tell you about how faithful or how committed the team had been, I would have been lying. We were a bunch of disgruntled servers, and my favorites words during this period were “I’ll never do this again”. 

Coming through this, I remain thankful to these very people who stuck by, disgruntled or not. Amongst the 5 youths, only 3 came, but God brought into our midst 6 others from a local church. Even when we realized that we overestimated our planning midway through the program; even when I wandered halfway if apart from fun, joy and laughter, the kids were even getting the message that I was trying to convey. See, it takes a lot of conviction, and I could not even muster faith the size of a mustard seed in those moments. God was the One who remained faithful through it all, and all we did was to continually doubt, question and then lean onto God, while moving things along.

See. It’s tough works. We continue to sow seeds, and before the seeds bear fruits, John 12:24 says the seeds first fall to the ground and die before it can bear much fruits. It is never self-serving, and if we say we are stewarding God’s people, we don’t pick and drop them as and when it is convenient to do so. Therefore, I invite you to come along with us on this journey with Christ, to continue to trust Him and lay before Him the little that we have.

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God.

My sister poked a friendly jibe at me as I whined for the umpteenth times about me wanting to write but not being able to get down to it. It is true, I haven't had quite a writing drought like this, except that I no longer wish to blare my thoughts the way I used to. So while my brain continued to work tirelessly to generate thoughts of all sorts, I struggled big time getting down to penning them down. Woes to me, indeed, woes to me.

Today, there are some things of noteworthy. The message preached was a refreshing one, teaching me about correction in love and gentleness. It was in the same vein that I'd craft my slant to the issue, but it was so much more palatable and filled with so much more wisdom. In contrast to what I have had just a few weeks before, it put me to shame the sheer amount of pride, arrogance and self-righteousness I've self-righteously felt as I embarked on a marauding march to confront the "bigger evil".  Bigger because I've gotten the more obvious parts of my life right... Let's not talk about those that people don't see... Anyway, surely they are guilty of a bigger evil. I know it's not biblical to even give a hint of that, and man, I knew it was not right, but life moves along right? Or so I thought. 

In life, you either make things happen, let things happen, or prevent things from happening, but God's destiny for our lives continue to unfold. Perhaps the only difference is the part of whether we choose to play. And these things that happen- it'd be most ideal to think of it as the big movements, those that the passionate activists poured their sweat and blood into. Yes, you know the likes of Jim Elliot, Malala, Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama. Yea, you get my drift. But what if I had told you that these "things" start small? Our tendencies to be late for example; or a perpetual disgust toward vegetables; or the much less talk about addictions to say, pornography? Chinese has a saying that we cultivate the self, then we are able to manage our family, and then we are able to rule a country, and then we will conquer the world. Crux of it all- you start small, and you start from the self. Wisdom right there~ So when the speaker echoed Romans 6:2 to confront the a sinning believer, it felt like she was speaking to me. Or rather, it felt like God was speaking to me. "How can you say you are a believer on one hand and yet continue to indulge yourself in sins and feed your appetite for your addiction- pornography?" Yes, I am guilty and the struggle is real. I must concede the immediate response was a defensive one- "it's easy for you to say, but you have no idea how difficult it is!" 

For a large part of my sensible years, I've not been the most sensible. To be exact, it's been almost 14 years. During this period, I came through a season of fear constantly afraid that I might grow up into a sex maniac; I've also came through a period of nonchalance; I came through a season of seeking help (I shared readily in cell, but the other guys never seemed comfortable enough to deal with my honest struggles); I also came through a period of creating milestones to mark my crossover (I will get baptised, and it shall stop there; I will get through my first year as a Christian, and I will move on; I will go for this conference and I will break free from these chains; I will kneel and bow at the cross and repent and I shall be delivered; I will... The attempts went on, but the attempts were futile); I came through a season of looking for replacements and I had short sustained periods of success (when I was in relationships, but each time a relationship ended, the success followed). 14 years were reasonably long- so long that this addiction has almost became a part of me as a being, I no longer recall how it was like before I got crept on. So to hear it like this for the first time after 14 years sparked a lot of things. Within I was perhaps crying, "God, I've tried all means. I've prayed. I've asked. I've pleaded. I knew I couldn't rely on myself. So WHY? Why did you not come through? HOW ELSE?" 

For half a year, I've set my goals, that by the end of 2015, I was so going to be the conqueror of such a struggle, and I was so going to share about this wonderful testimony to encourage and perhaps finally empathise with fellow strugglers in our midst. I mean, shameful things like these are not usually talked about- they are tabooed you know. It was going to be so hope-inspiring, except that all these were part of an ideal- one that looked to be of God, but God was never really in the picture. How often do we do this non-God-Godly-things? I say, often. So half a year on, and I continue to struggle, with no seemingly end to my 14 year-old tredge through that tunnel. 

At this point, I've been brought to remembrance Paul and his thorn in the fresh. I try to rationalise, and the only reason I could think of is this. If I had gotten my way, my pride would have exploded. This one thing which I have almost no control over, it remains that one thing which constantly (or not) pointed me toward God. It kept me humble, and it kept me rooted, albeit all the frustrations and even shame; albeit the sense of hypocrisy; albeit the irksome reaction each time the word "purity" is muttered. All of these had helped me hold my ground. 

With pain in the eyes as I watched films like "Nefarious", with ache in my heart as I engaged in conversations with brothers who self-justified their support for promiscuity, and yet behind closed doors that sinful appetite consumed my whole being. This tension kept me on my toes- by my own strength, I'm probably never going to attain holiness. At least now even as God remains silent, I will continue to try. I am tempted to declare hereby that my affiliation with the shame ends here, but I acknowledge, that in the journey ahead I'm in good hands. What the world has meant for evil, God will turn it around to preserve His people. 

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God. 

Important Things

See, I came back from a meeting today that discussed about things. That is what meetings are about- we discuss about many things. Lots of talking- mostly genuine concerns; others skepticism, and perhaps yet others, undue worries. But we talk, nevertheless. Isn't that what a good organization does- freedom of speech, and the obligation to listen. Duh~

Then there are the important things. We spend way longer, much more resources, much more deliberation discussing about these important things. Sometimes these things are measured in magnitude- the amount of money involved, the number of people involved, the scale of planning etc; other times, we inject personal importance- a friend is perhaps more important than a distant someone.. 

In any case, we talk a lot. 

But that's besides the point. 

Importance.

What is important? 
To an accountant, presenting accounts and getting the document in place to tide through a smooth auditing process may be important. 
To a striving young man, saving up for a comfortable retiree's life may be important. 
To a budding family, ensuring a child's competitiveness in the society may be important. 
To a friend, preserving peace may be important.
To a superior, creating a well-oiled system to churn out good productivity may be important.
But what if... What if an individual is an accountant, a striving young man, part of a budding family, a friend, and a superior all at the same time. 

Genuine concerns remain genuine, then I guess we have to take a pick. 
On the one hand we have administrative concerns, on the other we have life and death threading on a thin line. The choice is obvious, but that is what dehumanising does to our judgment. 
Re-contextualize a little, perhaps it helps to ask ourselves. Is saving for a comfortable living/for the unexpected events in life more important than the immediate needs for funds to aid desperate causes like human trafficking, disaster relief, poverty, hunger etc. 

Even if~

There is deep beauty in Daniel 3:18. "Even if He does not, we will not accede to your command which contradicted that of what our God has told us." How many of us pray this way? What is expectancy in prayers when we have no submission in following? One gives birth to the other, so much so that the wrong kind of expectancy- one that births out of non-submission, the wrong kind of relationship- leads to disappointment. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. Perhaps that age old wisdom rings true in light of this understanding. 

Expectancy, when expressed via mere wilfulness instead of genuine faith, kills rather than gives hope. 

Hope to the Hopeless

What calls for greater celebration than the returning of a wretched child; what calls for more rejoicing than the bucking up of a wasted man? That, is only human. I take my faith seriously. So those sentiments apply also, to every spiritual revival and every eternal salvation. 

I thank my God deeply each time I hear an encouraging story about you. 

Yet, I am not talking about the explicit loss in wander expressed by the best worship performers, nor am I referring to the devoted followers of the biggest crowd-drawing conferences/concerts in town. I am talking about an inward transformation- call it alignment if you might- that changes one's outlook of life. It is about the returning of the throne of life to the Lord of life; it is about repositioning the self in view of the bigger plan; it is about the shaking up of priorities in eternal perspectives. Implicitly, that also means lots of discomfort, lots of disappointments, lots of anger, lots of frustration even; simply because we live in a fallen world. 

So hopelessness is very real. The closer you are to God, the more real that sentiment becomes. I love my God, but the body is nowhere near that. Sometimes expectations make living in a Christian community much harder than it really is. "I thought you are a Christian, but why..." 

I came through that, and I came close to leaving church, leaving friends, leaving the community altogether more than once. Oh come on, stop going on and on about church-hopping... I'm not. I am talking about dealing with hopelessness.

What happens when you see no way out; what happens when we seem like we are heading into a dead dead end; what happens if what your church does looks like nothing that resembles the church of Acts; what if you know you are right and no one listens...

Quitting is one option; running away the easy way out; but don't ever let it become the default pattern in your life. There is a prayer that is very lacking in today's society- the one that the friends of Daniel prayed in Daniel 3:18, "even if He doesn't." This is a prayer severely absent in today's society; and we forget that when we live for God, we stop living for ourselves, and it is Christ who lives in me. There is a reason why God puts you where you are, and the age-old wisdom continues to stand "be the change you want to see". Be like those friends, keep trying, keep attempting to make a difference, in the name of honouring God and bettering the Body, keep going. 

Don't give up hope. Don't give up. Don't ever ever give up. For, here comes the Truth, our hope is not in the betterment of situation nor circumstance- even if healing doesn't come; even if the society becomes worse; even if we get persecuted; even if my loved ones do not survive; even if.... I stand steadfast to my God, BECAUSE my hope is in my Maker. 

Conviction

Some came to do the job;

Some found a personal conviction;

Some discover a greater cause.

The same job as it stands, represents a wide spectrum of possibilities. 

I choose to leave my mark this way, aligning it with the priorities of my life and what is important to me. 

Thoughts, June 2015

What is conviction when it shifts as the shoreline shifts with every crashing of the waves? 

My heart stirs for missions; I go around telling people I got my call for missions before I gave my life to Christ; my entire being yearns to dive into missions. But where I am now, I have to wait. My current career promises a lot, especially for a heartland boy like myself without much family asset. This career represents an opportunity to climb up the social ladder and have a break into the medium-high income. So naturally, well-meaning people came around to advise, encourage, and persuade me to reconsider. That is the problem today; anything that hinges on practicality and promises stability would get the nod ahead of any other options, supposedly the more risky ones, and going into missions puts you on the wrong end in terms of the level of acceptance for the risk involved. 

To make this waiting time slightly more bearable and to help me quickly overlook the sentiment of being stuck, I had to give these advice the benefit of doubt. Say if they are really not that bad... And they really aren't. In fact, it is just only recently that I discovered something about the job that I might like, and for the first time in these many years that I really considered the possibility of staying. This can only be good, can't it? That'd mean less dread, more purpose, and surely these would translate into motivation. Except that the initial conviction always came back at me. How deep have I trusted? And have I been delaying my decision due to my lack of faith, or sacrifice? The cost to count- where is God in the picture. 

And then the turmoil settles. In the end, when I finally go into it, I can only say, "you know, I wouldn't have been able to do it myself because humanly the propensity to sway is just too huge; and the dedication to the cross too weak. God kept me there, and therefore here I am to share in His glory." Too often people glorifies the sacrifices made- how God wants the capable and young lads with a bright future to lay it all down and follow Christ, and then these people became lauded as the Christian heroes of our time. I think that is why I like the Exodus movie because Moses, supposedly one of the biggest biblical giant, was portrayed as very human- so human that he was angry with God, and even questioned and doubted God. Then, it is privilege indeed, to be kept and partake in His glory. 

Therefore, conviction says I stand firm in good times and bad, because it is a pact, a covenant I've established with God.

Suffering

In a world as white as Thine;
As grey as mine, or as black as evil can define.
The Son came with grace and mercy so that the Father's glory will shine.
White and black stand in animosity; some grey purifying while the others darken into atrocities.
When the light shines, darkness cease to exist; so I ask.

"Has the heaven already come on earth, or that the Gospel no longer confronts?" For we only stand by righteousness and peace, and the battle only stops when either is true.

Martyrs chose a bloody path, glory entailed their tracks. People have lived by their faith and died. What right have we to say suffering is a forfeiting of privileges? I say, suffering is the giving up of self- when we no longer hold tight to what the world says is our right.

In this age, the struggle persists and we stand wary of a false sense of peace. Being accepting doesn't mean unity, for light and darkness would never unite.

I pray a day that light would prevail, and darkness cease. And that I remain hopeful for the Word hold true to a wonderful promise.

Until that day, I continue to carry my cross, and I shame away to even liken my suffering to that of Christ.

Bless the Lord o my soul as I worship Your holy name.

One Year Ago, Today...

Last year this time (2014), I took my bow and walked out from my university. 3 years of education drew quickly to a close. Much of the time I was searching for something- a purpose, a meaning, or perhaps even an escapade. But in searching for an answer, I gained much much more- friends who would walk with me for the rest of my life; friends who would transform my perspectives; friends whom I like and like me. 

Last year this time, I made a bold decision to graduate. It was a sacrifice to make, but more so a relief. That was quickly followed by my first solo-trip to conquer Rinjani, and then a trip to Kupang to visit my siblings from different parents, finally rounding off with my first ever trip to Khek Noi with Radion. 

I don't think it is fair to attribute any singular event as the milestone or turning point; but those were definitely significant moments in my life. A year on, the sentiments have only grown, and the convictions stronger. 

The Martha Syndrome (struggle)

Martha was feeling aggrieved about her situation. She was busy preparing the table, doing up the decoration, cleaning up the place for the big occasion. I mean, come on, Jesus is in town! Martha was determined to give her best. She was showing Jesus a deserving honour. 
Elsewhere in the bible, the brother of the prodigal son displayed a similar predicament. Spirit of excellence was probably today's equivalence of how he got by. He was trying hard, trying very hard indeed. In fact, in his own words, he was probably doing very well in what he was doing at the point of his brother's return. He thought he was deserving of a celebration for what he had done all the while. 

Isn't that one of modern Christian's phenomenon? Some struggled with it, others thrive along with it; but all these while, one thing suffers: our relationship with God. 

"Mary has chosen for herself that which is good, and no one can take that from her."

Very comforting words, but on reflection, where is the Mary today? How many choose Jesus above our countless other commitments; how many remember to rest upon the feet of the Lord; how many have the same yearning to hear from Him? When we continually justify ourselves using Christianese, self-righteousness creeps in. "Are you going to allow her to just sit there while I slog away? Get her to help me." "I have given you my all, but you never gave me anything to celebrate!" 

Ah, how beautiful is this grace that is from God? 

We choose, and we continually choose. 

It's intentional. It's focused on God. 

Choose for yourself whom you would serve. It's between Papa and us~

The Kind of Pain that You do not Know

If pain is measured on a scale of 10, with 1 being not pain at all, how would your life be rated? 

If my life had been 1, it would have sailed smoothly, with a stern wind and a following seas aiding my cause. I call that bliss.

If my life had been a 10, it would have fallen at every crack, and I would have all the reason in the world to lament.

But what if my life is an 8, or worse still what if it's a 6. Life's not that bad, but it lingers on the bad side. No one really seems to be too bothered, or simply cared enough to come around. Really, life's just fine as it is. Look at the African kids! Count your blessings, dude! You have to agree with me that a 6 sucks! 

A 6 kind of pain is the kind of pain that condemns many to mediocrity. Working adults continually ponder over their career, albeit it being far from what they've ever wanted. Many ended up slogging their lives away, all in the name of "at least it feeds my family". At least, that's what shortchanges; above all, that's what convinces us to settle for less. 

A 6-kind of pain invites skepticism. Come on, it's not that bad. I think this is what kills today. Gone are the days when explicit killings and persecutions haunt and threaten the safety of humanity, barring aside the ISIS situation. A 6 kind of pain throws people off our guard when we do not know how to respond- When the decision to stand firm takes the form of putting up with, rather than speaking up for. 

A 6-kind of pain receives the least support. You are stronger than this! A 6-kind of pain creates a barrier against seeking help. I am not that weak. Voices like that continually ring in our head, and how many of us are willing to concede- that the nibbling pain is devouring us in a manner we feel helpless about. Yes, I am living; yes, I am surviving; yes, I have all my biological needs met; yes, I'm being a good enough parent; but wait... In doing all those, I am actually losing myself, gradually.  

A 6-kind of pain creates shame. What if I feel like I do not belong; what if where I am now is a result of a perceived mistake. I am serving my consequence, a term; and each step is a drag. Then comes the expectation from the bigger pool- where is your spirit of excellence? Your attitude sucks! Pursuing alternative satisfaction becomes a source of great shame and guilt. Competition for attention renders me unable to commit the same kind of devotion toward my "job" as I inevitably choose the things which reinvigorate me. Compounded by the lack of passion, I struggle big time at work. I am trying, all the time, but it just never seems enough. 

A 6-kind of pain hurts more than a 10. Who knows petty issues are the ones that kill? A sharp pain would trigger the application/consumption of a medication to remedy the illness, but an illness without any symptom is the one that leads to fatality. 

I have the 6-kind of pain. Maybe things are really not that bad, but they ain't that good either. So when you began to conclude that "surely things ain't that bad", that conclusion makes things that much worse. 

Yes, I am a First Generation Christian

"You must be a first generation Christian."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because normally, the first-generation Christians are the ones who are super passionate about their faith." "The second generation Christians are more cautious in their approach, and you may even label them as more laid-back."

Unfortunate. This is largely unfounded, and there are two major flaws to such a remark. Firstly, it normalises laid-backness; secondly, it creates a false ceiling, which in turn builds a false pattern. Lies~

Countless counts of biblical verses instruct the elders to teach and guide the youngsters, equipping them with the essential love, fear and knowledge of the Lord such that they do not turn to the left or right when they grow up. There is an inherent responsibility in becoming a Christian, one that goes beyond the self, one that goes beyond my generation. It is one that promotes the continuation and growth of the faith, inter generation and across generations.

We stand on the shoulder of spiritual giants down historical tracks, with their ceilings as our floor, as we receive our due portion and as God continues to reveal to the world the things of God. 

Therefore, the grief that comes along with every lost individual pains intensely. I look at youngsters who grow up in churches, and as they make the subsequent decision to call it quits- I have enough of church, I have enough of christians, I have enough of this faith that I can neither see nor feel, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF JESUS. 

Then it made me wonder. How have we been doing church, and if we have been doing it right. OUCH! 
It is then that the wisdom in the bible began to make sense. If you are neither hot not cold, I'll spit you out of my mouth. But why? If hot is the ideal, shouldn't lukewarm be at least slightly better than if there is a complete absence of heat? Yet, scripture says, He will spit the lukewarm out of His mouth. 
Apathy creates a false sense of alrightness. I don't commit major sin, so I'm a decent guy. Mission trips or ministries or anything that requires more than what is convenient is not for me. I'm just happy to be in the pew (when my schedule allows), and of course I'd embrace the Christian label. Of course, I believe in Jesus. Convenient Christians are fans more than followers, and fanfare is self-explanatory when it comes to the issue of commitment, dedication, sacrifices and counting of cost. 
Laid-blackness is not ok! It is not and should not be normal. Christianity isn't just about teaching you to be good. It is life transforming, community-changing, aspiration-inspiring. It embodies the notions of grace, mercy, love and faith. Take that! It's a real encounter with God that goes beyond the intellect, beyond imagination, beyond a rigid practice of religious law. It is an encounter with Christ. And older believers should always ensure the preservation of this aspect! If all these become real of our pursuit, our approach would have changed. 

I Won't Give Up On You

We have our fair share of hurts, frustrations and often we feel like just walking away. 

I don't care, what they are going to say~ 

It is painful business. Innately, we are created with a desire for betterment, to be discontented, to yearn for more. When we began to settle for less, therein produces a dissonance, a deep discomfort. Jealousy or "The field is always greener on the other side" syndrome, so I term it continues to baffle. It is a taboo; socially constructed to be a taboo- a sign of ungratefulness and greed. 
Yet, humanity continues to struggle; struggle to deal with the throbbing voice in the head, struggle to figure out if that is indeed all there is to life, struggle to wonder what could have been, struggle to fathom the what-ifs. Self-management was drawn in broad-strokes to push the blame to the individuals- the reason why you struggle is because you are weak, you have poor self-management, your value-system is flawed. It is discouraging, dampening, and difficult. 

3 times I entertained thoughts of quitting. I thought I have had enough. Leaving was the easier way out, but I did not want it to become a pattern in my life- to quit at every resistance, even though these ones were much more intense than before. Therefore, I stuck by. I complained a lot, but I stuck by. The social science people talk about "emitting negative energy". I embodied that notion, and my presence epitomised it. I complained, a lot, really. 

5 years on from the time I decided to stick by, I am glad that I did. 

1. Sticking by allowed forced me to grow. This was Newton's 3rd law lived out. A wise man once told me this of his philosophy: 

In life you have 3 buckets. 1 bucket represents the people whom you are dealing with, 1 the environment or the situation that we are in, and 1 yourself. You transfer the water between these buckets to attain the equilibrium that you so desire. The catch is that none of these 3 buckets are identical. It is easy desire to want to change the first 2, but the efforts required do not reciprocate. It is tough decision to change the 3rd, but at least the efforts required is in our hands. 

In going through difficult and windy routes, the arrival at the destination became a little more worthwhile. On top of that, the hindsight we gain at each reflective juncture could be very heartening too- to see how much we have grown (and matured).

2. Sticking by gives us the clarity of mind. Sticking by for a little while is akin to us entering a warm outdoor from an air-conditioned place- our glasses fog up before we could react, and it takes a while for us to see clearly again. Sticking by delays a rash decision (TO NOT JUST ACT) to pass a judgment. 

Our initial convictions can come strong and hard that they block out every other voice that entails. I couldn't worship in church for 3 weeks after coming back from a mission trip because the setup felt too hypocritical. First-world people with their silly first-world problems were laughable non-issues compared to the life-and-death, the struggle to make ends meet, the sacrifices and the desolations. So understandably, that was one of my 3 stints of wanting to leave, very very badly. Talking christianese irked me badly, and I withdrew. Yet I stuck by (not by my own strength because I genuinely wanted to leave, so I think God kept me there, by His grace).

Today, I continue to struggle with many of these self-righteous attitude of mine, because (admit it) there are many professed christians who are just pure annoying. So I shot myself in the leg when I said delay the rash decision to pass a judgment. Here is not the ideal platform to debate about the theological standpoint/definition for biblical "judgment". What I meant is this: we continue to be entitled to our own views, beliefs and every right to feel aggrieved, as per before. But I urge all of us to not put the nail on the coffin. That is to say, judge, inconclusively. It is in the blood of every bible-believing Christians to be hopeful; so to partner with hopelessness is... BAD, very bad. 

No matter how bad a situation is, the person we are dealing with is, the bleakness of the future is, a sight that is set upon the Lord would see possibility. Even in deaths, we see heaven. 

Countless times in history, God transformed the hearts of people like Matthew, Zacchaeus, and Paul. Paul himself said "Christ came to the world to save the sinners, amongst whom he is the worst". If God could change the worst sinner, then what more the annoying neighbour, colleague or even the churchgoer who sits beside us in the pew every Sunday?

3. Sticking by creates a grateful (gracious) heart. By acknowledging what is God's portion and what is our portion, we can let God be God. In first John, it is said that those who do not love their brothers who they can see cannot love God whom they do not see. There is deep wisdom in the emphasis of relationships with men. I suspect one of the main purposes is a mirror. By showing a little grace, we realize the vastness of the grace we have received from Him, and that makes us grateful. 

4. Sticking by builds relationship. When I look at how Jesus pursued Peter or how God pursued Jonah, I am greatly humbled. God being all-knowing, had every reason to feel wronged, frustrated and even aggrieved- I could totally imagine the number of face-palm moments if the narratives had been modernized. Yet, the pursuit was relentless. I believe it was also this relentlessness that deepened, touched and transformed. Proverbs 17:17 "a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." 

I don't mean we deny our humanity and transform into saints who don't get angry nor upset. I took time off from a friend of ten years due to some seemingly unresolvable conflict, and it was a good whole year of oblivion toward each other's life. Ideal being ideal, conflicts happen and sometimes it's just too painful to press on. But can I suggest, if it's not resolvable between the two, then at least resolve it within yourself- neutralize the anger. We don't have to be as intimate as we used to be, but the anger should not linger for too long. 

Know our friend as a fellow human, and extend that same kind of grace that we have received ourselves. 

5. Sticking by builds faith. Many times we give up because we look at the foreseeable future and conclude that it's not possible, at least humanly. Abraham hung onto the promise and received Isaac when he was 100 years old; Joshua persisted and finally saw the promised land after 40 years; David persisted in the cave and lived a precarious life for 16 years before ascending the throne. Many times when things become super tough, it becomes very difficult to continue trusting, especially when much is at stake- future, security, credibility, relationships etc. That is also when we have taken our eyes off whom we can trust. Sticking by is an ultimate form of surrender whereby we look all around us (360 degree left-right, front-back, up-down all dimensionally) and know that now I can't, so God has to come through. 

It has to be God

I have my ideals, but I do not feel capable achieving them. It is not an ego issue, neither is it a confidence issue. Frankly I do not know what issue it is, but I do feel the constant tension. The fire that burns within me is not stove fire nor campfire; it's like a furnace fire that burns strongly, but quickly. Things that I want to do, aspire to do, plan to do; I quickly become skeptical. Some commented that perhaps I minded others too much; others commented about my belief system, or my inability to trust. And guess what, they are all not wrong. 

I hate to admit them, because it makes me feel needy and weak. Like why am I always that one person who just can't seem to get his life together. One point, I term it being real, being human, being normal- but that point has to pass, and right now I am not even convinced myself anymore. Sometimes I feel dysfunctional- almost as if I'm on the verge of a depressive breakdown; other times I snap out of it quickly and laughed at my own foolishness. 

I AM CONFUSED. 

I'm losing faith in people, in situation, in myself, in the future that I envision, in the family etc. 
But I find solace in a saving grace, so divine. That one source of strength and hope that remains constant. Even with all these, the general sensing continues to suck; I continue to struggle with life. Getting through the difficult phases of "not-bad-enough", and trying as best as possible to fish out that one or two point of positivity well-meaning people have been telling me about. 
I'm probably seldom right, yet too prideful to concede. So my stance remains- if the day comes when I stop complaining, stop whining, start relating more casually, become more optimistic, become more hopeful, less stubborn, more humble, that moment- it has to be God who has come through. Because where I am now, the inertia to change is huge, I do not know how to change, where to begin, what to change. It has to be God. 

初衷

疲惫忙碌，

生活里种种大小事务；

繁华喧杂把时光吞没；

因为麻烦而苟且，

由于费心思而遗弃

梦想不再追逐，志向欣然埋没。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

格格不入，

都市里的一个小人物；

百万人口中唯一的我；

因为不同而胆怯，

由于不平凡而放弃。

梦想附上枷锁，理想封闭于心。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

内心麻木，

生命中那现实的残酷；

不如意不顺心的折磨；

因为失望而沮泄，

由于伤透心而抽离。

梦想触景伤情，抱负成了包袱。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

This is an expression about Judah's sentiments toward life. In a state of exhaustion and perhaps disillusion, he reflected upon his own life and began to wonder what could have been and what should have been. Business, disappointments and even fear do not only distract us from our ambitions; but they make us forget our dreams and consume our lives with many pseudo achievements. At the end, he concluded by emphasizing the importance of remembering the purpose, the initial reasons we had when we set out to do what we do so as to not lose sight in life.