It has to be God

I have my ideals, but I do not feel capable achieving them. It is not an ego issue, neither is it a confidence issue. Frankly I do not know what issue it is, but I do feel the constant tension. The fire that burns within me is not stove fire nor campfire; it's like a furnace fire that burns strongly, but quickly. Things that I want to do, aspire to do, plan to do; I quickly become skeptical. Some commented that perhaps I minded others too much; others commented about my belief system, or my inability to trust. And guess what, they are all not wrong. 

I hate to admit them, because it makes me feel needy and weak. Like why am I always that one person who just can't seem to get his life together. One point, I term it being real, being human, being normal- but that point has to pass, and right now I am not even convinced myself anymore. Sometimes I feel dysfunctional- almost as if I'm on the verge of a depressive breakdown; other times I snap out of it quickly and laughed at my own foolishness. 

I AM CONFUSED. 

I'm losing faith in people, in situation, in myself, in the future that I envision, in the family etc. 
But I find solace in a saving grace, so divine. That one source of strength and hope that remains constant. Even with all these, the general sensing continues to suck; I continue to struggle with life. Getting through the difficult phases of "not-bad-enough", and trying as best as possible to fish out that one or two point of positivity well-meaning people have been telling me about. 
I'm probably seldom right, yet too prideful to concede. So my stance remains- if the day comes when I stop complaining, stop whining, start relating more casually, become more optimistic, become more hopeful, less stubborn, more humble, that moment- it has to be God who has come through. Because where I am now, the inertia to change is huge, I do not know how to change, where to begin, what to change. It has to be God. 

初衷

疲惫忙碌，

生活里种种大小事务；

繁华喧杂把时光吞没；

因为麻烦而苟且，

由于费心思而遗弃

梦想不再追逐，志向欣然埋没。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

格格不入，

都市里的一个小人物；

百万人口中唯一的我；

因为不同而胆怯，

由于不平凡而放弃。

梦想附上枷锁，理想封闭于心。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

内心麻木，

生命中那现实的残酷；

不如意不顺心的折磨；

因为失望而沮泄，

由于伤透心而抽离。

梦想触景伤情，抱负成了包袱。

可是你可记得，十年前的热忱；十年后的期望？

或试着回想当时年少无知的那许多的也许；

还是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。

抚心自问自己为了什么而活；

过程中得到了许多，却失去了自己；

才终于茫然把谋生做了替换。

初衷值得再被寻获。

This is an expression about Judah's sentiments toward life. In a state of exhaustion and perhaps disillusion, he reflected upon his own life and began to wonder what could have been and what should have been. Business, disappointments and even fear do not only distract us from our ambitions; but they make us forget our dreams and consume our lives with many pseudo achievements. At the end, he concluded by emphasizing the importance of remembering the purpose, the initial reasons we had when we set out to do what we do so as to not lose sight in life. 

I am Only Human

I'm a little reluctant to let my first few hours of the year get by without first journaling down some thoughts for the new year- call it a reflection for 2014 or a resolution for 2015 if you might, it doesn't really matter. 
Seriously?
Seriously. 

In typical fashion, 2014 felt like a roller coaster ride (which year isn't- *flips through the reflective post of the years gone by- 2013, 2012, 2011 and so on...)
So indeed, the roller coaster route wounded a few more loops than before- the low lower, and the high higher. Where has God been in all these? I would be lying if I said I had known for sure. Even right now, I have to practice a lot of faith to even utter a slight suggestion- there. Somewhere~

6 years of coming to Christ did not prepare me for a tough ride like this; at least not in the worldly typical sense. I would never have imagined myself saying things like "I hate church" or "God, take me home", when the exact same me was bathing in unworthy euphoria of the "spiritual high" just a few months prior. Things changed too quickly, much quicker that I could manage; almost to a point of hypocrisy- where is that consistency in my life?
I hated the notion of comfort Christian, the Holy Huddles as they were known, but my faith was severely tested, and I might just have become one of those- sad but true. 

AND THEN I REALIZE, lessons that I would later look upon as key turning points in my walk with Christ.


I learn that I am only human, and that is by far the greatest lesson I have learnt. 
It is one thing to talk about surrendering, and sugar-coat the whole "I am weak therefore He is strong" verse with notions such as "choosing joy" or "God is always in control". In fact this could easily be one of the cheapest talks in the Christian circle, because such Pseudo-christian terms had been so assimilated into the community- it is supposed to be the Christian norm. And when I fell out of the norm- I felt terrible (I felt un-Christian). 
We place a lot of emphasis upon our free will and how we live the life of Christians. Sounds legit, except that if I may ask: where is God in the picture?
When I am depressed, if all I had to do is to change my perspective and control my emotions, where does that leave God? Non-believers and secular science have a term for it: we call it "self-talk". In the year of 2014, I did a self-assessed inventory and suspected myself to perhaps have exhibited symptoms of severe depression. First hand experience tells me that in times like these, you simply do not just simply choose. You can't. 
Another time I had a conversation whereby I sent a friend a greeting to which was replied with "I am fine". I got a bit worked up and sent a quick closure to that conversation- if all your life "choosing joy" is your only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit life threw at you, then perhaps life has not been bad enough for us to need God. 
When really bad things happen- the losing of loved ones, the complication of a promising career, the shaking of financial security, the breaking of cherished relationships, broken promises, betrayal, abandonment- choosing joy becomes tough work, near impossibility. God has to intervene, God has to come through, God has to keep us there. Throughout the entire process, God is active; us, contrary to common notion of choosing joy, would be too exhausted and maxed out to even try. An active God keeps and preserves the passive us. I am only human never felt this real before, and that changed me. However many times of relying on God, trusting in God, following God in our services unto Him, the pride of humanity always yearns for a huge need of control to be satisfied. 
"We are not the Savior/Messiah!" Those who have been through would wearily shout, but so many fell on deaf ears. I am only human does not highlight an extraordinary level of spirituality that attribute our surrendering to a personal trait of righteousness or faithfulness; I am only human is a prayer of desperation to say that God I really can't and only You can. 

In a year whereby I graduated from university and officially entered the workforce; in that same year whereby I joined a NPO on an official basis; in the year whereby many life priorities changed; in that same year whereby I so often felt lost, stuck and being in the wrong place; if I were to choose; I choose to be human. Not indulgence, but surrender.