Even if~

There is deep beauty in Daniel 3:18. "Even if He does not, we will not accede to your command which contradicted that of what our God has told us." How many of us pray this way? What is expectancy in prayers when we have no submission in following? One gives birth to the other, so much so that the wrong kind of expectancy- one that births out of non-submission, the wrong kind of relationship- leads to disappointment. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. Perhaps that age old wisdom rings true in light of this understanding. 

Expectancy, when expressed via mere wilfulness instead of genuine faith, kills rather than gives hope. 

Hope to the Hopeless

What calls for greater celebration than the returning of a wretched child; what calls for more rejoicing than the bucking up of a wasted man? That, is only human. I take my faith seriously. So those sentiments apply also, to every spiritual revival and every eternal salvation. 

I thank my God deeply each time I hear an encouraging story about you. 

Yet, I am not talking about the explicit loss in wander expressed by the best worship performers, nor am I referring to the devoted followers of the biggest crowd-drawing conferences/concerts in town. I am talking about an inward transformation- call it alignment if you might- that changes one's outlook of life. It is about the returning of the throne of life to the Lord of life; it is about repositioning the self in view of the bigger plan; it is about the shaking up of priorities in eternal perspectives. Implicitly, that also means lots of discomfort, lots of disappointments, lots of anger, lots of frustration even; simply because we live in a fallen world. 

So hopelessness is very real. The closer you are to God, the more real that sentiment becomes. I love my God, but the body is nowhere near that. Sometimes expectations make living in a Christian community much harder than it really is. "I thought you are a Christian, but why..." 

I came through that, and I came close to leaving church, leaving friends, leaving the community altogether more than once. Oh come on, stop going on and on about church-hopping... I'm not. I am talking about dealing with hopelessness.

What happens when you see no way out; what happens when we seem like we are heading into a dead dead end; what happens if what your church does looks like nothing that resembles the church of Acts; what if you know you are right and no one listens...

Quitting is one option; running away the easy way out; but don't ever let it become the default pattern in your life. There is a prayer that is very lacking in today's society- the one that the friends of Daniel prayed in Daniel 3:18, "even if He doesn't." This is a prayer severely absent in today's society; and we forget that when we live for God, we stop living for ourselves, and it is Christ who lives in me. There is a reason why God puts you where you are, and the age-old wisdom continues to stand "be the change you want to see". Be like those friends, keep trying, keep attempting to make a difference, in the name of honouring God and bettering the Body, keep going. 

Don't give up hope. Don't give up. Don't ever ever give up. For, here comes the Truth, our hope is not in the betterment of situation nor circumstance- even if healing doesn't come; even if the society becomes worse; even if we get persecuted; even if my loved ones do not survive; even if.... I stand steadfast to my God, BECAUSE my hope is in my Maker. 

Conviction

Some came to do the job;

Some found a personal conviction;

Some discover a greater cause.

The same job as it stands, represents a wide spectrum of possibilities. 

I choose to leave my mark this way, aligning it with the priorities of my life and what is important to me. 

Thoughts, June 2015

What is conviction when it shifts as the shoreline shifts with every crashing of the waves? 

My heart stirs for missions; I go around telling people I got my call for missions before I gave my life to Christ; my entire being yearns to dive into missions. But where I am now, I have to wait. My current career promises a lot, especially for a heartland boy like myself without much family asset. This career represents an opportunity to climb up the social ladder and have a break into the medium-high income. So naturally, well-meaning people came around to advise, encourage, and persuade me to reconsider. That is the problem today; anything that hinges on practicality and promises stability would get the nod ahead of any other options, supposedly the more risky ones, and going into missions puts you on the wrong end in terms of the level of acceptance for the risk involved. 

To make this waiting time slightly more bearable and to help me quickly overlook the sentiment of being stuck, I had to give these advice the benefit of doubt. Say if they are really not that bad... And they really aren't. In fact, it is just only recently that I discovered something about the job that I might like, and for the first time in these many years that I really considered the possibility of staying. This can only be good, can't it? That'd mean less dread, more purpose, and surely these would translate into motivation. Except that the initial conviction always came back at me. How deep have I trusted? And have I been delaying my decision due to my lack of faith, or sacrifice? The cost to count- where is God in the picture. 

And then the turmoil settles. In the end, when I finally go into it, I can only say, "you know, I wouldn't have been able to do it myself because humanly the propensity to sway is just too huge; and the dedication to the cross too weak. God kept me there, and therefore here I am to share in His glory." Too often people glorifies the sacrifices made- how God wants the capable and young lads with a bright future to lay it all down and follow Christ, and then these people became lauded as the Christian heroes of our time. I think that is why I like the Exodus movie because Moses, supposedly one of the biggest biblical giant, was portrayed as very human- so human that he was angry with God, and even questioned and doubted God. Then, it is privilege indeed, to be kept and partake in His glory. 

Therefore, conviction says I stand firm in good times and bad, because it is a pact, a covenant I've established with God.

Suffering

In a world as white as Thine;
As grey as mine, or as black as evil can define.
The Son came with grace and mercy so that the Father's glory will shine.
White and black stand in animosity; some grey purifying while the others darken into atrocities.
When the light shines, darkness cease to exist; so I ask.

"Has the heaven already come on earth, or that the Gospel no longer confronts?" For we only stand by righteousness and peace, and the battle only stops when either is true.

Martyrs chose a bloody path, glory entailed their tracks. People have lived by their faith and died. What right have we to say suffering is a forfeiting of privileges? I say, suffering is the giving up of self- when we no longer hold tight to what the world says is our right.

In this age, the struggle persists and we stand wary of a false sense of peace. Being accepting doesn't mean unity, for light and darkness would never unite.

I pray a day that light would prevail, and darkness cease. And that I remain hopeful for the Word hold true to a wonderful promise.

Until that day, I continue to carry my cross, and I shame away to even liken my suffering to that of Christ.

Bless the Lord o my soul as I worship Your holy name.

One Year Ago, Today...

Last year this time (2014), I took my bow and walked out from my university. 3 years of education drew quickly to a close. Much of the time I was searching for something- a purpose, a meaning, or perhaps even an escapade. But in searching for an answer, I gained much much more- friends who would walk with me for the rest of my life; friends who would transform my perspectives; friends whom I like and like me. 

Last year this time, I made a bold decision to graduate. It was a sacrifice to make, but more so a relief. That was quickly followed by my first solo-trip to conquer Rinjani, and then a trip to Kupang to visit my siblings from different parents, finally rounding off with my first ever trip to Khek Noi with Radion. 

I don't think it is fair to attribute any singular event as the milestone or turning point; but those were definitely significant moments in my life. A year on, the sentiments have only grown, and the convictions stronger. 

The Martha Syndrome (struggle)

Martha was feeling aggrieved about her situation. She was busy preparing the table, doing up the decoration, cleaning up the place for the big occasion. I mean, come on, Jesus is in town! Martha was determined to give her best. She was showing Jesus a deserving honour. 
Elsewhere in the bible, the brother of the prodigal son displayed a similar predicament. Spirit of excellence was probably today's equivalence of how he got by. He was trying hard, trying very hard indeed. In fact, in his own words, he was probably doing very well in what he was doing at the point of his brother's return. He thought he was deserving of a celebration for what he had done all the while. 

Isn't that one of modern Christian's phenomenon? Some struggled with it, others thrive along with it; but all these while, one thing suffers: our relationship with God. 

"Mary has chosen for herself that which is good, and no one can take that from her."

Very comforting words, but on reflection, where is the Mary today? How many choose Jesus above our countless other commitments; how many remember to rest upon the feet of the Lord; how many have the same yearning to hear from Him? When we continually justify ourselves using Christianese, self-righteousness creeps in. "Are you going to allow her to just sit there while I slog away? Get her to help me." "I have given you my all, but you never gave me anything to celebrate!" 

Ah, how beautiful is this grace that is from God? 

We choose, and we continually choose. 

It's intentional. It's focused on God. 

Choose for yourself whom you would serve. It's between Papa and us~

The Kind of Pain that You do not Know

If pain is measured on a scale of 10, with 1 being not pain at all, how would your life be rated? 

If my life had been 1, it would have sailed smoothly, with a stern wind and a following seas aiding my cause. I call that bliss.

If my life had been a 10, it would have fallen at every crack, and I would have all the reason in the world to lament.

But what if my life is an 8, or worse still what if it's a 6. Life's not that bad, but it lingers on the bad side. No one really seems to be too bothered, or simply cared enough to come around. Really, life's just fine as it is. Look at the African kids! Count your blessings, dude! You have to agree with me that a 6 sucks! 

A 6 kind of pain is the kind of pain that condemns many to mediocrity. Working adults continually ponder over their career, albeit it being far from what they've ever wanted. Many ended up slogging their lives away, all in the name of "at least it feeds my family". At least, that's what shortchanges; above all, that's what convinces us to settle for less. 

A 6-kind of pain invites skepticism. Come on, it's not that bad. I think this is what kills today. Gone are the days when explicit killings and persecutions haunt and threaten the safety of humanity, barring aside the ISIS situation. A 6 kind of pain throws people off our guard when we do not know how to respond- When the decision to stand firm takes the form of putting up with, rather than speaking up for. 

A 6-kind of pain receives the least support. You are stronger than this! A 6-kind of pain creates a barrier against seeking help. I am not that weak. Voices like that continually ring in our head, and how many of us are willing to concede- that the nibbling pain is devouring us in a manner we feel helpless about. Yes, I am living; yes, I am surviving; yes, I have all my biological needs met; yes, I'm being a good enough parent; but wait... In doing all those, I am actually losing myself, gradually.  

A 6-kind of pain creates shame. What if I feel like I do not belong; what if where I am now is a result of a perceived mistake. I am serving my consequence, a term; and each step is a drag. Then comes the expectation from the bigger pool- where is your spirit of excellence? Your attitude sucks! Pursuing alternative satisfaction becomes a source of great shame and guilt. Competition for attention renders me unable to commit the same kind of devotion toward my "job" as I inevitably choose the things which reinvigorate me. Compounded by the lack of passion, I struggle big time at work. I am trying, all the time, but it just never seems enough. 

A 6-kind of pain hurts more than a 10. Who knows petty issues are the ones that kill? A sharp pain would trigger the application/consumption of a medication to remedy the illness, but an illness without any symptom is the one that leads to fatality. 

I have the 6-kind of pain. Maybe things are really not that bad, but they ain't that good either. So when you began to conclude that "surely things ain't that bad", that conclusion makes things that much worse.