Sunday, July 10, 2016

I alone am left

1 Kings 19:14 "And I alone am left."

A very deep sense of abandonment. The nice word used was "entrust", but the reality felt more like offloaded. For 2 months now, it felt like a lonely journey. If I had been able to muster my full capacity, I think I would have risen to the challenge. I have plans, directions, goals, and a keen passion to drive in this new role, except that my time has already been thinly spread. I need support, I need inputs, I need someone to shoulder this together with me. The constant assurance that I was the right man for the job felt like little more than a quick fix to alleviate any sense of anxiety. I am the right man, indeed (it felt like I was the right man only because no one else was willing to take on that role). 

Then the devil came around and planted thoughts to sow discord, stirring up bitterness and displeasure about the present state. What kind of leader would do this kind of thing for his flock. Repeated rebuffs and laissez faire- "you are doing fine, good in fact." Well, not really... I'm actually having a lot of uncertainty and I would really appreciate more support and guidance. 

And in times like that, you learn and you grow. Either you continue to spiral down that whirlpool of death, or you swim with all your might against the flow to get out from there. In this case, to renounce the negative thoughts and work things out. So I realized, that even in times like that (wherever we might be), this too is a journey with God. The negative thoughts and the helplessness ought to be left at the foot of the cross. Whoever gave the assignment, God continues to be a huge part of that journey.

Corrie Ten Boom, "I learn to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them from my hands." This assignment belongs to God also. Hold things loosely, even in the face of a tight deadline; in the face of increased demands; in the face of high expectations; in the face of the need to deliver; in the face of the need to provide certainty in the midst of uncertainty; in the face of the greater good. I am feeling the pressure, but God says come to me all those who are weary. I have high hopes and a huge vision and expectation for reality to match up to; but Scripture says many are the plans of men, but ultimately it is the will of God that will prevail. 

I am taking a long deep breath. I am going to take it slowly. Maybe that would mean the falling short of deadline; or leaving of things in the limbo, but God continues to be my comfort and my anchor. Hold things loosely, and let God be God.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Quiet Prayers

"There is a time to be silent and a time to speak."
Ecclesiastes 3:7

I came across an article about the world's expectation of an outstanding kid - one who must be smart, confident, witty and well, outspoken. Even interviewed teachers and researchers conceded about their tendencies to pay more attention to the children who are more proactive in answering questions. That, pretty much, sets the tone the world is painted in - speaking is good, a demonstration of knowledge, genuine care, ownership and perhaps a sense of participation. 

The same could be translated to the Christian scene. In a meeting dominated by Christians, it is a common sight to take verbal detours to talk about related and unrelated stuff, often leaving the core issues unaddressed. After all, isn't it a Christian thing to share about lives, talk about underlying issues, and (I'm not leaving that out) to express love and concern. Beyond fellowship and Christian communion, we see the same in our relating with God. We say a whole lot of Christianese to express our identity, and we mutter a whole lot of words in our prayers. Then it beckons me to wonder, where in all of our "doing Christianity" is that time to be silent? 

In the Bible, it is said that speaking in tongues without love renders a person to at best be a loud gong and cymbal, making meaningless noises. So we all know that love is an action, and speaking devoid of action is futile. What if listening is as much a huge part of communication as speaking? What if to produce the whole package of love, we need to listen rather than speak? And sometimes, to listen doesn't mean an airtime for the other person to speak, but to allow the One to have His say? In our prayers, in our communion, in our intercession, in every aspect of our walk with Him. To let God be God and us adopting a humble posture of waiting instead of the active notion of petitioning and telling God what to do. The article has an interesting abbreviation using the word "WAIT". While wait literally means to wait, it also stands for "Why Am I Talking"? Indeed, in the occupying of every airtime, why don't we ask ourselves if we are talking just to make ourselves feel comfortable, feel productive, feel good, or feel spiritual?

If prayers are indeed as many would put it "communications with God", then perhaps it's time to start listening.