Wednesday, August 15, 2012

tug-of-war (internal struggle)

Song of Solomon 2:7
"... do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Just want to know how to get through this. I think it's kinda obvious, and I don't know if I should be thankful for the play along- to get the hopes up or for just being nice. Either way, each of these moments always set my heart on an accelerator. It's a bliss, and precisely because of that, it makes objectivity all the more difficult. It's always this period of "neutrality" that I struggle with- how neutral is that, or rather just how neutral have I tried to make it... (not much)
Something within is stirring, like the boxes from Madagascar, the feelings yearn to erupt. Those romantic high, those moments of loss, those... I don't know what are there to count, but it feels like a fairy tale, a disney production, the happily-ever-after chase. 
O Lord, I cannot live apart from You. I pray that You will fast-forward my heart's proceedings. Bring it to a point of numbness like how most feelings eventually become. It is funny how a healthy relationship can only sprout from loving less (perhaps not really- less obsessed sounds better). Anyone who comes after You but do not hate his father or mother, cannot follow You. Lord Jesus, I do not want to be like Solomon, and I pray that You will help me to stay rooted in You. It's primarily her heart for You that attracts, but how ironic would it be if in chasing a relationship, that disappears. Let this heart be tuned to be like Yours. More haste less speed, teach me patience. In the course of it, I might lose out, might invite judgments or even misunderstandings, but Lord, through all these, I just pray that You will keep me and guide me. May my heart remain true to You always... Amen.
A struggling prince.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

It's some Big Deal...

~Jesus loves you anyway~

"Two seconds! I just need to clear up that spill there..." "Oh, and my shirt! I ought to get a change too. The stain's making it look quite bad..." "How about..." 
The list goes on... Self-consciousness transforms into the most prominent trait ever when things become a little uncomfortable. All of a sudden I am the most humble man in town. Sounds familiar? 
In contrary to Isaiah's response in Isaiah 6:8, when God calls, more often than not we respond with a "why" or a "but" answer. I refuse to term them 'excuses', because a genuine sense of lack continues to bog many today, even those who are perceivably 'strong in their walk'. It is not an excuse, but a misaligned conviction- one that weaves lies to convince us of our inequity, that we are not good enough, and that we are weak. Little surprise that such messages permeate in many teachings today. The father of lies uses half-truths. Compared to God, of course we are not good enough, of course we are inadequate and we are weak, but in the same breath we overlook the fact that we are the children of God, heirs to His rich inheritances, receivers of His grace and power, dwelling places of the Holy Spirit. Such promises have been watered down to make them more acceptable in terms of the level of comfort as well as their relative acceptability. It is easy to use such words to encourage others, and even in our own prayers. But when the moments arise, the top gets blown away. A worship leader could decline to acknowledge praises despite a good session (when humility becomes thinking less of the self instead of thinking of the self less); a youth could reject his calling because of what he perceives to be not ready (Moses, Abraham, Jonah, the Apostles etc. were not ready when God called, but God was the One who led them through their calling). 
We walk in a poverty that is uncharacteristic of the supernatural ways of royalty because of the failure to recognize and reconcile our comprehension of  God's promises and His nature. He is the Father, and His grace is sufficient.
I like how Philip Montofa dissected Holy Spirit into Holy and Spirit. Holy (the first name) is a believers' privilege to call because of our intimate relationship with Him, and our part is to remain Holy; Spirit (the last name) is His to take care of. My take is that we do not play God in deciding the suitability of a situation, a candidate, or even a decision. Instead, remain Holy and true to Him and that includes obedience and sensitivity- ie. we listen and look out for His instructions, and we, quite literally, just follow! 
Let us all rediscover our identity in Christ. We are the princes and princesses in this Kingdom, and Jesus had come to reclaim what Adam had surrendered, so lest we go in agreement with him, he has no power over us (John 14:30). Instead, let us all live in full confidence for we have received (Luke 10:19). Through the blood of Christ, grace abounds! 
It does indeed matter for He has come so that we may experience and have the fullness of life (John 10:10). 
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Monday, August 6, 2012

Empathizing the Escapees

This is dangerous, slightly. For a while I was under the protection in that season, not really. 
When one gets so drawn into one thing, I guess it's kinda difficult to withdraw. Much akin to drugs, getting out can be quite uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. 
Where I am now, I gaze upon the entire process. How I used to be annoyed by overboard persistence, how I think I became like that myself, and how I realized I had become like that. The perks of going through such- is probably empathy. At least for now, I could say that I know how it must have felt. 
Escapade mentalityI see many of such on television, and I'm probably very amazed how it maps over to reality. Addiction, computer games, drugs, gambling, anything that takes away the attention for that moment. It's momentary, which explains why people tend to overdose in hope of prolonging those moments. These moments seemingly provide the doors out, from problems, from life, from many things. Do we not know their temporal nature? Of course we do! Primary school teaches that, Secondary school cautions us against that, parent advises against that, the society even condemns that. It's an unfortunate trend that as one grows older, the measure becomes more "autocratic". Perhaps "desperate" would fit in better. Yet, as it seems, many continue to fall in the face of such preventive measures. Scholars study them well and come out with explanations, theories and perceivably 'solutions'. Statistics show that "blah blah blah~" and that endless pursuit of control reveals a pathetic void. Sometimes we just need the simplest of things- a hug, a smile, a simple "thank you", a kind advice, a word of encouragement, or even the sheer presence of someone whom matters. Life is not that complicated, but the world makes it so. Research has shown that smiling improves productivity/service. So it goes, and they continue to complicate things. The notion of hypocrisy- perhaps it all starts with the desire to make or replicate, instead of the "be". 
I am a bad victim myself. I thank God that I am no addict. I ever questioned why- why do I spend so much time on computer games when I don't think I'm finding joy of fulfillment in them. In fact sometimes I was even frustrated by it, and yet the time dedication were made. On deeper thoughts, I guess I probably was not trying to gain, but to lose. Unfortunately, many people overlook this before casting their votes of condemnation. "Why are you doing this?" "Why don't you blah blah blah~"  Judgment calls came and went, people tried to probe but was never really capable of going beyond the superficial. "Yea, yea, I have too much time and I just want to waste it away... (sarcasm)". Time continues to seep through my loosen grip, the to-do list continues to grow, and the need for escapade continues to soar. Irony, helplessness consumes many. 
Am I so weak that I have to be sucked into this? Perhaps, but just a few months/years back I was there too, looking at another helpless guy thinking why couldn't he...
John 8:32
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

M.Y. Cell

Some months back, I decided upon a cell name for my cell. Convicted by the significance of names, especially its prophetic nature, I took a long time to finally make that decision. 
"M.Y Cell", an abbreviation for aM Yours, is a declaration of ownership and one of submission. That this is my group of brothers and sisters whom I am committed to walk with and to grow alongside, this is my God who loves me and whom I love; and individually we find our identity in You- that indeed I am Yours, wholly.
That seemed like a good name, and perceivably provided a good direction, yet for a long time I did not know how. It took a friendly poke for me to realize that perhaps my expectations might have been too unreasonable; or perhaps one reliance on Him for that name has set me off on an undesirable independence. 
31st July, a self-declared me-day had not gone according to plan, but at its closure, I got this:
John 17:10
"All I have is Yours, and all You have is mine. And glory has come to me through them."
Indeed these sheep whom I always claimed, are Yours. Who am I, that You would choose to light my way. Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling, and you told me who I am. 
I am Yours! 
Teach me and help me; in building and in growing, let it all be done on the cross. Let Your presence be the inspiration(source) and reminder of our reliance upon You. Amen!
aM.Yours Cell