The God of Judah (2)

Die! Give me some space. That is definitely not my standpoint. 

Today I am where I am because of a divine work that has began in me. People came around to ask about the realness of my faith. "Is a girl involved?" "Do you have time for yourself?" These were some words I frequently get in the kind of environment that I stay and work in. There simply isn't enough people who are serious about their faith. The regular church-goers were probably too busy trying to design the next best soul-winning strategy or the next most hipster evangelistic event, so much so that we gradually lose touch with "reaching the one". It's a very foreign concept to most, despite the irony fame of the quote from one of world's leading lover, Mother Teresa. 

I'm not saying that I have gotten it altogether, and I'm probably being very self-righteous and judgmental by saying all that I have mentioned. That is the problem today- we create a sphere of false inclusion and exclusion and render many hard but essential truths, taboos to be avoided at all cost. So much so that even a genuine raising of concern has little room for accommodation. People simply refuse to listen, people simply refuse to reflect, people simply refuse to think, people simply DO NOT want to change (myself included). 

"Myself included" is the other problem. Too often people come around in eternal wrath to rain down fiery condemnation, and conclude their remarks with "myself included". Self-condemnation does not create any acceptable kind of grounds for mass-condemnation. Die! Give me some space. That is definitely not my standpoint. 

We live in a world of extremities. On the one hand we have many casualties limping from hurts and licking their wounds since eons before, on the other we have die-hard daredevil exploring every new possibilities with little to no regards for calculation of risk. By no means are these easy hurdles to overcome, and I say my piece for having gone through my fair share of these bitter things. Yet, it is precisely this kind of difficult situation which leaves us to have only God to look to and lean on. 
When we talk about letting go, when we talk about putting down our baggages, when we talk about moving forth in faith, this is precisely what we are talking about- to become serious about our faith. Only by taking our faith seriously, then are we willing to make changes, then are we willing to leave our comfort zone, then are we capable of embracing a cause much bigger than ourselves. Serious doesn't mean no fun, but it definitely means that our faith should receive the kind of attention/priority true faith warrants. 
Through history, we have a few spiritual giants who went out in full faith, and rocked the world with a hard conviction built upon solid faith- Martin Luther King was like that, Mother Teresa was like that, Jim Elliot was like that. But it doesn't have to be that few giants, because looking at what these people have done ought not to distract us from recognizing the One through whom they had been empowered. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at works amongst us, and that should be enough encouragement for us to practice radical love. Imagine with me, a city of Martin Luther, a country of Mother Teresa, and a whole world of little Jesus. Follow me as I follow Christ- isn't that a logical extrapolation, 2000 years on, the multiplication of Christ ought to have taken a huge leap forward, already.
Yet, today the challenge goes beyond people not hearing the Good news. Many heard and rejected, because of misrepresentation, because of lies and deceptions, because of apprehension, because of competition from false idols (pursuits), because of self-absorption, because of perceived wisdom in rationalization, because of self-satisfaction...

The God of Judah

Where I am now speaks of a divine work in progress, not because my life boasts of immense success, but because of a grace-filled venture to keep trying after every failure.
I have just come through a really tough patch in life- maybe 3 months, maybe 30 months, maybe 3 years. The exact duration I have already lost count. In fact, I don't even know where it began. At one point, I felt like I was someone else living in this body- I did not recognize who I was. What I used to like I do not like anymore, what I did not like I began to find a liking. This process- we term it growing up. To give it a parental vibe, it usually sounds like an age-old-nanny's nag: this is for your own good, so grow to like it; french fries and ice cream will kill you. And then to give it a Christian vibe, it's essentially what Paul says in Romans 7. All of which began with an awareness, then a desire, then a behavioral change. 
The problem arises when the desire isn't firm, or when the awareness gets competition. Notice that behavioral change is a result of the former 2, but of course one can always attribute it to how difficult a behavioral change is. And the gist of it all, I've been trying too hard, relying on my own strength. As a result, I swung to and fro, making little progresses which always got outdone by an even greater regress. I was sick, I was tired. Interspersed with facades of euphoric high did little to alleviate such hopelessness and helplessness. You know the secular saying- the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Those few moments of momentary victory only rendered the subsequent fall harder and much much more painful. For however long, I dragged this battered body across many temporal milestones. I have been changed, but not just in the good ways. Recent listening to Francis Chan revealed to me a stifled heart- I have become fearful, scared, apprehensive. The initial rashness, the initial passion, the initial fire had been quashed. Times after times, I have got an idea or two about doing something, someone would come along to offer a kind word of advice (with good intentions of course), most of which sounded like "you gotta count your cost", "you should not rush into actions", "you should consider more carefully", "you should be more patient about it", "maybe it's later", "you are moving too fast, wait for the rest", "you might get burn out", and the comments lingered on. Half of them sounded like explicit dissuasion, the other half sounded like warning, or even threat. Implicitly, this is what I heard, "fit in, don't be an extra. Your style of doing things is too different, and people will not like you. You know your heart is good, but really we don't feel comfortable with you trying to drive us around." I relented, or so maybe I thought I did. 
Reality played a prank on me. In actual fact, I didn't. The dilemma of situation created in me a double personality- and I snapped in and out of the two selves much more rapid than I would have liked. It was a bad struggle, and to top it off, I was actually aware of this entire switching of personalities. It is not like those you see in the films where one has no conscious awareness of the existence of the other. Perhaps I might have abused the actual definition of duo-self, but it definitely feels apt to describe that as such. 
For those who have gotten used to the ambitious adventurous me, my current self has been perceived as a persistent source of negative energy. Once in a while, people would start coming up to me to offer a kind word of encouragement such as "God has a good plan for you", or a "He wants you to know that He loves you" kind of motherhood statement. Somehow, I felt more terrible and everything else except being uplifted. I had a lot of bitterness, and even pride, and at the back of my mind were many voices. "They think they know better", "what a joke to say these"- those were the words which echoed in my head all the time. I felt deep, and I felt like no one really knew what I was going through, or rather, no one really knew me for that matter, but I missed a point: I was losing myself, and I did not know myself either.
Yet despite all these, God's Word stood firm. Matthew 10:30 encapsulates the depth of His knowledge of who I am, and that knowledge was a demonstration of how much He cared for me. And because of that, a rescue mission was initiated.
Many people concluded their salvation story at the point of conversion/receiving Jesus as their Lord and Savior, but for many others who have travelled the road, we would probably have realized that instead of a conclusion, it is really only an introduction. "Only" not because I downplay the significance of such a milestone. Far from it! I celebrate my baptism with fervor, and I even shaved my head as a symbolical gesture to mark a new beginning. Conversion is BIG! "Only" because a Christian life has so much more to offer- I cannot guarantee enjoyable, but I can guarantee good. A good introduction sets the stage for a great story, and mine unfolded almost 6 years back, and I'm still living through the greatest adventure life has to offer. As I am about to come through a significant chapter, it brings me huge jog and pleasure to recount such an experience, of which God has to be the centre of it all.

To be continued...

This is what I want for my life~

I don't speak well, my thoughts don't process as quickly. As I continue to age, the amount of self-awareness raises, and gradually I came to realize more and more that I have not been as infallible as I have always thought myself to be. At the back of my mind somewhere, I continue to marvel at some of my self-lauded illusions- I call myself the ironman of the spiritual realm.
At the core of my being, I have genuine struggles. Disappointment with myself, and a severe lack of resolution to keep on with what I've set out to do. On top of that is an increasing tendency to be drawn into solitude. The point of saying all these? I'm just being human, an ordinary one. Amongst Christians we have our own lingo and terms like "God told me this or that", "I've been called", "serve in the ministry", "take up cross" etc. But really, truly, I'm slightly delusional. I'm just a Christian human, and precisely because that is exactly what I am, I constantly call out in desperation: I am weak thereby I am strong. 
Today I heard a message given by Pastor Buddy Owens, and he made this analogy which I really like about salt and light. The gist of his message says that we salt the world by words, and we light the world by our deed. ie. We cannot fight darkness by merely speaking, talking and discussing. This was so in line with what I've been reading these days. James 2 jumps out at me strongly- faith without deed is dead, and it strikes me at my core. Isn't this the reason, the driving motivation for me to do what I've been doing?
At the same time, I've been asked some peculiar questions which got me thinking. Apparently spending weekends doing "church stuffs" don't quite sit well with other people. Somehow community service ought to sit comfortably into some designated slot- it should only be done once in a while, like you know when the school calls for CIP of sorts? If it eats into the "free time", then you end up not having time for yourself. I gave it some serious thoughts- do I really not have enough time for myself, and to quote his words fully, do I not have time for my other life pursuits such as having a girlfriend? (All these were part of a friendly exchange, and I'm super appreciative that people even bothered. I just got taken aback by the same shock that I wasn't expecting). 
I gave it some serious thoughts- I really did. 
To begin, I began thinking- what would I be doing if church got taken out of the picture. I recalled the times before I started attending church/serving in church. (*shake head tremendously).
Actually, I'm rather thankful, for the following reasons.
1. Being involved in church doesn't make you into some sort of a bible freak who only does bible study, and do the Christian stuff. To me Christian is an adjective- so being Christian doesn't elevate me into some sort of divinity. Instead I'm a Christian human, who still pretty much get on with life, except that now I have a hope and a faith that surpasses anything I've ever had, or will ever have. My typical weekend serving in church involves going out with individuals for a lunch or something, followed by BFA where I really went there to play floorball for a good workout. Really, the Christian label does not take away anything from what I do.
2. This is where our perspective of ministry comes into play. If ministry is about service, all the concerns about not having enough time for myself would kick into play, and make strong cases against me. But if ministry is birthed out of relationship-building and love, allow me to ask a question: which father/mother takes time away from their kids? Likewise, this "personal time" includes the presence of those kids. They are a part of it. Of course, there are times for me-time as well... 
3. The sense of privilege derived from being able to be involved in some of the biggest decisions/struggles of an individual is the kind of trust we don't find in superficial friendships. Being allowed into the depth of the heart, and then walking alongside each other- in serving, we grow as well. 

There are many more reasons, but those 3 stood out the most. And I'm able to conclude- that so-called other objectives in life. I wanna make a difference in people's lives, and I don't mind not being rich. If I am able to be a part of a greater project which has every potential to improve the community and the lives of people, I'd gladly want to come onboard! 

It's the Thought that Counts, or is it really so?

Thoughts do not and never will justify inaction
For a sufficiently long period, I kept telling myself that I wanted to go for a jog, but life got busy, things got squeezed out from the to-do list, and running, unfortunately, was one of those. I had that thought, but what good is a thought if it never translates into action. My fitness never improved, intended weight-loss never took place, the excess fats continued to linger, and the run continued to be a thought. Well, at least I thought... James 2:14-26 dedicated a substantial portion of the book to talk about faith being dead if it's not being accompanied by works, or rather faith is considered dead if it does not result in works. 
Good thoughts do not exempt us from taking responsibility for our bad actions
Have we ever had a birthday celebration or an unfulfilled favor whereby what was intended for some reason did not come to past? Recall that time when a surprise was spoilt, or when a birthday gift turned bad. And what was the most common response? Don't worry, it's the thoughts that count. No doubt there are rooms for such, and these are all appropriate occasions for a well-meaning mistake of sort. Why so serious? But things get annoying when "it's the thoughts that count" take on a whole new meaning- in our relationships, in our ministries, or even in our walk with God. 
I learnt it the halfway. In communication, more often than not, it is not what is spoken but what is heard, much less what is intended. It takes one to go beyond self to acknowledge the implication each of the actions that we have taken. The thoughts are the a good place to begin, but it takes efforts and even submission to hone the remaining of the skills. In our walk with God, many people had good thoughts. When the 3 people who counted their cost when called to follow Jesus, all of them had reasonably good thoughts, but they could not follow up with their actions. 
Other times, we say we need to look at the heart of the person. On other occasions, we even called for people to seek the heart of God. Once again, in hearts birth thoughts, and with thoughts cause actions. What then is genuinely the heart of God? It certainly does not stop at just having the right intentions.

Indecisiveness, the bane of our failing faith.

Luke 9:61 portrays an image of a willing follower. Kyle Idleman did a thorough analysis on the cost of following Jesus in his book, Not a Fan. The context is as such: in the ancient Jewish culture, a typical farewell "party" usually lasts for many days.
For a long time, following Jesus seemed rather sinister when we were not even allowed to bid a farewell with our loved ones. So what if it's a few days of partying?Surely I deserve a little getaway, I mean, hey come on, I'm sacrificing the rest of my life to follow Jesus. It's a noble thing you know... Moreover, what is a few days with eternity as the backdrop... Surely Jesus would understand...
But to the surprise of many unsuspecting "christians", Jesus's reply was this, "No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." He said that by doing that I'm not fit for the kingdom of God.

So what went wrong here?
My thoughts:
Everything went wrong the moment we start thinking we are doing God a huge favor by following Him. It is a very natural and almost spontaneous sentiment, especially when we look back into history and witness the noble acts of people like Mother Teresa. It calls for a deep sense of honor, really. But when the cause becomes bigger than God, we begin to forget that He is the One who calls, and He is the One who enables. We look at our own sacrifices and we attribute it to our strength, generosity, and even wisdom. Basically, the warped notion of nobility overcasted the fundamental fact that we only share in God's glory. It has to do with motivation- true nobility is lauded upon one in recognition of genuine acts of love and noble acts; while a mindless pursuit of nobility only yields at best, temporal gratification and a superficial facade. And that is not fit for the kingdom of God.

Following Christ is a damn serious decision to make. It goes beyond feeling good, it goes beyond enjoying lives, it goes beyond being successful in the world's standard, it even goes beyond having perfect relationships.

Only by establishing that bottomline can we truly be sure that when we stop feeling good, when sufferings replace comfort, when everything seems to go against us, and everyone starts leaving our sides, we will continue to stand firm and declare boldly that I don't know why, but I know Jesus, and that is enough. While it is true that God desires us for His own, I believe in my core that it is for our own good that He calls us to follow Him. Yes, I believe in that.

Too many times in the past 1 month have I heard about how Christians stopped being christians because too much shit happened in "church", amongst "christian" friends, or just in our "christian" lives.
Know what? I am going through shit now, but I'm going digging in my boots. I'm standing firm. I'm gonna continue to declare my faith. Because that is the decision I have made, and the bottomline I have drawn. God has been that real to me that right now where I am, as uncomfortable as things may get, I have decided that the only way for me is to grab on more tightly. The heavier the storm, the closer I'm gonna lean.

Because at the end of the day, what really matters is this: I have decided to follow Jesus.

My friends out there, wherever you are right now, far or near, broken or full, happy or sad, disappointed or hopeful, I ask of all of us to reflect upon our walk with Christ. Give God a chance, give ourselves a chance.

God bless you!

Daddy (mommy), did you know?

Parenting

If communication is supposed to be two-way, and communication is supposed to be the basis of all relationships, it always baffles me why we always talk about them as if they are one-sided. Here, I am talking about parenting. For the longest time (as far as I can recall), parenting talks, seminaries, workshops of sorts always provide advice based on scientific research, psychological discoveries, and successful parenting. I have no qualms with those and I applaud the efforts to enhance family life, but what about the other end of the relationship. Specifically I am referring to the child(ren).

It is one thing to assume maturity and hence become the initiator in bettering things; it is another to assume arrogance and disregard the receiving end of such initiation, especially so in a special relationship between the parents and the children.

Therefore, it has always been on my mind to let parents hear our voices. Parents should never need to go through the confused state of becoming unfamiliar with their kids. Even once is one time too many for a parent to come away wondering where has the mommy’s boy of yesterday gone to. Children don’t change overnight- we drift, we distance, we cut off, and then we become irrelevant, or rather we make ourselves irrelevant.

Before I go further, I want to reiterate what I used to tell me nephew who is 7 years my junior. He’s the eldest in his family, and he felt a lot of injustice and angst toward perceived biasness when it comes to the treatment differences his younger brother and himself received from their parents. My advice to him, “remember, you want to be a good son, and you are learning to be a good son. Give your parents the benefit of doubt and show them grace: they too are learning how to be good parents, because you are their firstborn, and they probably had no one to teach them the 101 to good parenting. This is mutual learning, so work together.”

Asian parents in general have the tendency to make assumptions, big assumptions, about their own superiority. So much so that the aforementioned basic truth is often neglected. We take the golden rule from our own childhood, from the society, from our friends and make them into standard molds. Over time, theses standards become the matter-of-course, and we stop remembering that we too are still learning. Worse still, we start ruling out the possibility that we might be wrong- that we might not have known better.

Father and mother, the child in me continually cries out for the smoothening of relationships, and I believe that each generation should come out and be vocal about our thoughts. Today I come out to speak on behalf of my generation of sons and daughters, and ten years later, someone else should do likewise, all the time.

1. Father and mother, if each of us is represented by a circle, we children used to be a subset of your bigger circles, but as we grow up, our circles expand, and at one point in time, we are no longer subsets. Some parts of our circle go beyond your circles, and we become overlapping circles. You guys will have to acknowledge at some point that you will stop having control over the area that has ventured beyond. Point being, fathers and mothers, you need to learn how to let go. In a family where we are comfortable, we like to feel empowered, and it has to start from a young age. By empowering our children, we are subtly conveying a trust message to them. Implicitly, we are really telling them and reinforcing in them that we believe in them. Such empowerment can come in the form of getting the children involved in making decisions in the family such as where to go for a family trip, what to have for dinner etc. Letting a child have a say builds ownership, letting him feel heard builds confidence. Coupled with explanation and guidance, we teach our children how to make responsible decisions and how to deal with rejections. In their teenage, this is going to be an invaluable skill set.

2. Our focus shifts as we reach a certain age. By letting go, I do not mean neglecting us. A huge portion of delinquent became so only because we find replacement for attention, love, belonging, all of which we feel like we do not receive at home. Acknowledge our presence, encourage us, and praise us if occasion calls for it.  No matter how busy parents are, surely time has to be made for family.

3. Establish common topic, things of interest etc. Many peers within my social circle have an unspoken unanimous admiration for families whose parents are like friends. When we were young, we needed guidance, but teenage is the time when we are catching up. We no longer long for someone ahead, but someone beside. This is the age of opportunities, of possibilities, of adventure, and a big part of this adventure is exploration. Give us the space to write our stories, you may share in them, but if you try to dictate them, we might just eradicate you completely from the picture.

4. Worries are not the best excuse for overstretching us. I think what most of the parents have done for their kids is for their betterment and for their own good, but I must also say that many times the forms through which such concern/care/love are expressed can be quite daunting. Therefore, never let societal pressure be the motivation for any kind of actions. Yes, we continue to try to encourage our children to work hard, but we also demonstrate our faith in Christ and His teachings by not letting the worries of the world have a grip upon us. Life in school is tough already; cut us some slack at home.

5. Finally, deal with our own hurts. I can share my own testimony about this. Essentially, we are saying that it takes one to make a conscious decision to snap out from bondages and chains of our past hurts, especially those which we might have been subjected to in our own childhood from our parents. Hurt parents hurt their children, hurt children grow up to become hurt parents, whom in turn hurt their children. This forms a vicious cycle, a generational curse, and we really don’t have to be stuck in it. We might have had bad experiences with our father or mother, and more often than not, in not wanting to become like them, we inevitably take on their mantle and shadow and mirror their style of parenting. I reject that pattern, and pray for all of us to be free.

Just keep trying: in seeing you trying, we gain strength and hope trying on our part.