Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Memoir of a 21: the bursting of the bubble called pride

I dislike how the situation is now. To some extent, I would even say that I am angry with God. It is very unpleasant, and at this point in time, my life's drought season has arrived. For as far as I remember, I haven't really tasted success in a long time, almost since turning from my life. Sometimes how many Christians comfort would say it makes things seem so easy, as though the application of a formula would set all of A, B and C into their rightful positions in an algebraic equation. I, too, am guilty of it. Perhaps never able to comprehend how it must have felt.
I was an Ace student. Priding myself to have come through that kind of family background, and yet reaching such heights in my academic results. Doctors, pilots, lawyers were all possibilities where I might one day land my foot in. Teachers openly discussed about my potential, giving nods of approval, and entrusting me with leadership positions despite my introverted personality. I was riding on high, a decent character in context. 
I remember the times how I used to get so frustrated with my older sister when she refuted my persuasion to modify her study method. I was convinced that mine was the correct one. When things were going so smoothly, the streak of aces in my report card helped my conviction. Past failures from primary 1 and 2 remained as history as I refused to look back, having come so far. I took pride in my own ability, ability to provide assistance beyond my supposed capacity. I remember how my sister used to tell me about how the teacher was unable to solve a mathematical problem from her homework which I helped solve the night before. I was primary 4, and her primary 5. There had also been moments when I looked in bizarre when people had to cheat in their exams or alter their results because all these had seem foreign to me. There was no need for those, and that needlessness bred a certain form of detest for such "immoral" acts. Self-righteousness was brewing within the adolescent me. 
The little jet plane that I was in continued to take off higher when I entered secondary school. Even until today, I announced my secondary school with lots of hesitation whenever questioned. I was a "Dunman High- calibre" student. A score of 258 could have gotten me to any of the elite school if I had wanted, and my family allowed. But my mother objected, putting the blame on a distance too far for the little me whom had never travelled beyond 20 minutes by foot to school. I ended up going to Ngee Ann Secondary, where I rose even higher. For 2 consecutive years, I was the top 3 in level. My improving grasp of the English language which I have always struggled with added icing to the already very delicious cake. For the remaining of the school years, I continued to be one of the top within the school, apparently disinterested in the fact that my diligent peers were catching up fast. Once, I returned to my primary school as a school ambassador and overheard my ex-form teacher labeling me a highflier. Perhaps predisposed by an upbringing that lacked genuine affirmation and even directions, such approval from external source puffed me up. 
I was reaching the peak of my life. Deliberate and conscientious attempts and efforts to shed away the "introvert skin" was chiseling myself, my whole being into something I have never been or expected to be in my entire childhood. I became the Student Council's vice president, and the Chinese Orchestra that I was in won a gold for SYF. Holistically speaking, I was the "best" to have emerged, more than making up for my inadequacy to claiming top or even second spot in the academic standings. That same period, I got my first girlfriend, albeit bringing much regret as I look back so many years on. Life had seemed to be complete, and the completeness deceived to be permanent. 
On the day of the official release of my O'levels results, speculation reached me even before I reached school, "There was a guy who took higher mother tongue topped the school with 8 distinctions." So many said it was me, and despite my awkward humility to deny that, I was convinced inside that it really could be me. Another apex I would have scaled if it were me. Truth be told, it was not, and I fared worse than I would have expected. A decent 8 points, which would have been a very good score in the eyes of many. I was disappointed definitely, but I did not show. Somehow, somewhere, sometimes over these 10 years of achieving, the pride had casted me a mask- a mask to hide away the expression of genuine feelings; a mask that shields against any conceding of defeat. 
All these while, I was living on self-reliance. At certain point in time, I even turned away from the deities that my family and I have been worshipping all my life. Every thing had seemed nonsensical, myself fully embraced in the necessity of knowledge and science. Life had seemed too smooth, and myself too carried away in the fragrance of success. I did not recognize the movement of God's hands in my life, the placing of those many wonderful teachers whom have molded me; the kind of upbringing my family gave me to establish the firm moral values and responsibility. I was the typical good guy, those whom perhaps some Christians would exclaim "he should be a Christian". And truth be told, my Lord was paving the path for my return.
In junior college, I was overwhelmed. Conviction of my own abilities led me to many ambitions- how I had wanted to take triple science (a crazy combination at JC level), how I had wanted to become the house captain, how I had wanted to juggle one CCA (it was called PDP-people's development program during my time in Temasek JC) with many other. Then I tasted my first setback, but my belief sustained me. It was almost like a self-comforting mechanism that it must have been a careful slip. Subsequent slips did not bother me much as I witness my peers around me struggle. It must have been the norm, and the problem couldn't have been me. Somewhere within me, I was convinced that I was at the same level as some of the eventual straight-ace students. Occasional blips of success such as the one-time topping of the level for a component of the Chemistry  paper scoring 19 out of a possible 20 helped that belief. My ability to grasp concepts with ease threw all my doubts about my own abilities out of the window as I continued to explain various difficult concepts to my peers. 
When they worked hard, I was always around boasting about the new found belief in Christ- that life is not all about studies. Was I really committed to the cause for Him? I certainly doubt so. It was more like a self-justifying comment to justify my reluctance to study hard like the rest. Soon A'levels came and went. I fared kinda badly this time, by my "usual standards". A straight "B-s" I would usually say as a matter-of-factly, not wanting to dwell on the single "C" that I got for General Paper, and of course the prideful "A" that I was the only one to get in my group for Project Work. Straight "B-s" seemed to me better than any C, and still, people tried to comfort me and tell me that it isn't that bad. Some even responded in shock, questioning my judgment since a supposed "bad" result had warranted me a placing in all of the 3 NUS, NTU and SMU. I think I could have done science if I had wanted to, but "JC killed that interest" I always reflected. Indeed, the education system in Singapore and the  school's standing had created a culture of "preparing the students for exams" rather than education, a seemingly deviating course from what schools ought to do. Yet my citizenship and my allegiance to the nation meant that I didn't really have a choice. 
Then I signed on with the Navy. That was the first time I felt so humiliated and so broken. Firstly, the training environment where hypocrisy and intolerance, and an apparent lack of encouragement flung me onto an alien's planet. If I had gone, I could have been diagnosed with depression, and it was such a struggle during that 1 year. So many times I wanted to give up, and so many times I sought ways to reconcile my attitude with the situation. It was not easy, forget about it being fun. Once, the captain talked to me about the scholarship. At the beginning of the course, I was told that I was eligible for the scholarship. That person, of course, made it a point to emphasize that eligibility did not equate warranty. I mean I know that I was reserved, and many a times a lot of things were well-below my all, but I did my part, and at the end of the course, my performance had been acknowledged by many. So I was very sure, at least until then, that I was going for the scholarship. I even remember how the interview went- with me telling the combination of more than 20 crabs (the crests on the shoulders of militants that resemble crabs- the more one bears, that higher the rank he holds) that I love to attend interview. There were so much laughters, I thought it was really good. Until my name went missing in the list of shortlistees, followed by the captain telling me how he had recommended me for the scholarship but only to be rebuffed by the course commander; about how the policy had changed over the course of that many months that I have been in the training. I fumed when I saw what kind of people got selected in place of me.
I resolved to do well in university to prove them wrong, still convinced in my own ability. First semester came and went, and it was another setback. Perhaps the crossover from Science to Arts require some time for transition; perhaps I was too busy with hall; perhaps; an extended break from study into army required me to readapt; or perhaps... Could it be me? All these time in university is another transition in my life. Things happen too quickly, and men can only adapt, or be buried. The shattering experience in military left a black mark in the "private" me, though the public never really see it. A few days back, I met my primary 6 form teacher over a meal, and she commented about me 9 years back, that she thought I had a lot of things in my head, but always held them back. In the past 1 year, I think that is something which I had forsaken for a long time, but readopted. It felt so pointless to comment sometimes, and it felt so tiring to even care. Somehow, I think I sent some kind of vibes to many- how some people continue to refuse to believe that I used to be an introvert. Responsibility continues to befall upon me despite my efforts to lie low. I became a complicated person, what I thought I am genuinely; what I thought I portray to others which I thought is different; what other perceive me as which is again different; what others expect me to be which I think is yet again different. 
The recent exams were crazy. In fact, this semester is crazy! I made friend with a professor, and I even publish a book for my 21! Oh yes, I turned 21 just last week! I want to continue to attribute all glory to God in the highest, though pride seeps in sometimes, or perhaps that is the joy of the Lord? I did pretty decent for one of my Psychology papers, while the other one seems to be doomed for the worst. My GEM was a huge disappointment. I felt I did all right. In class, I was the only one who genuinely listened and took notes. I studied for it. For class quizzes I was the one who did them the fastest and even lent advice to my peers. Because those were opened discussion, I believe all of us got the same results, but that mid terms, it just felt so unfair. And perhaps for the first time, I began to question my own ability. I wonder if I have studied hard enough, but unless I glue my eyes to the book and not turn from it for many days, reread and revise over and over again, I would never say I studied hard enough; I wonder if I have become dumber; I wonder if I'm losing it. 


Daddy,
I am angry with You. When I was down, I continually asked You to speak to me in Your audible voices, but I could not hear You. I asked You why but I received no answer. I refuse to turn from You and I continue to turn to You in hope of You finally speaking to me. I want to trust in You and trust in Your provision, so help me Lord to overcome my unbelief. Lord, show me Your way and keep me on it. I recognize Your grace in my life and I thank You for those. Help me to be like Job, so that I can keep faith, even if I lose the things that matter to me. Help me to look beyond earthly values, and help me to desire Your approval more than the world's approval. Even if it means more loss, Lord, help me cling to You and let not my faith and hope in You be shaken, for I take pride in my identity in You, and I take joy in my relationship with You. May You keep me and help me to stay close always.
In Jesus's most precious name I pray,
Amen!
Your child,
Judah

Monday, February 27, 2012

Daddy, 
Very quickly, very soon, the hype in this particular phase in my life is finally giving way. A return back to the routined. Yet, I continue to pray and year for You, that You will continue to speak, and continue to draw me close to You. Daddy, it has been a wonderful period to sense and feel and seek, but Lord, I just want to continue to build from there. May Your guidance be upon my path, that I will follow where You have gone, and I will do what You have instructed!
Daddy, I want to pray for myself. During this season of turning 21, I have learnt to see, and I have learnt to perceive. That indeed in our mistakes You can do so much more than what our efforts to do right can accomplish. So Lord, I continue to trust in You and hope for You, that I may grow closer to You in every area in my life.
Daddy, I also want to pray for Poiema, that as the group begins to settle, Lord, You will open up opportunities for Your transformation to take place. Indeed each will have their own season, and each will proceed at their own pace, but Lord, You are in control and by Your intervention, I cling on to the hope of a revival and a breakthrough. So Lord, I just want to commit the entire Poiema into Your mighty hands. Take us to a new level of relationship with You, and guide us in every decision making.
Lord, by Your leading, I wanna pray for J. Lord, indeed You have given him much, and I thank You for the plans You have for him, that You will use Him mightily in the accomplishment of Your works. Lord, I just want to pray that You will continue to mould him. Indeed he is still young and he is still raw in many areas, but Lord, I just pray for Your Holy guidance, that You will help him discern right from wrong. Lord, help him to look to You and identify that it is indeed Your grace and mercy that have made possible the accomplishment of much. Let him not be swayed by the values of the world, and grow him in the area of spiritual leadership, that You will help him to become more and more like you each day. Humble him, for indeed I acknowledge Your words that those who wants to lifted up have to humble himself. So Lord, work with his ego and quash his pride a little. I trust that You will not give him beyond what he can take. So Lord, I pray for all these to be done, in Your own timing.
Finally Lord, I pray for myself. The transition of seasons. As I step from one into the other, I pray for Your revelation and guidance, that I will not lose my way in You. So Lord, speak, Lord. Help me to know Your ways, and help me to keep my eyes fixed on You. I commit myself wholly unto Your hands, and pray that You will lead me onto the path You have designed for me. Use me the ways You have designed for me to use, Lord!
In Jesus's most mighty and Holy name,
Amen!
Your child,
Judah
A child's prayer; my Daddy hears.
The longing heart that yearns day and night for a divine closeness;
Not far apart, seek and we will find, the best-est plan in its finest.

Mark 11: 24
"Therefore I tell you,
whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Small thoughts

Rephrased from Pastor Lawrence's sermon:
Do not cultivate bad habit,
for you will hate it when you try to kick it.
Take away 'h' you still got 'a bit';
remove the 'a', left with 'bit';
minus 'b', we still got 'it'.
Only when we look beyond ourselves and rely wholly on God,
Take 'I' out from the equation, and to the most high we give our applaud.

Philippians 4: 8
"Finally, brothers,
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-
thank about such things."

In Christ's love,
Judah

With a blast

Daddy,
So the countdown has finally reached zero, so the day is finally here, so I am finally 21. I probably would not have imagined myself not having a 21st party; neither would I have gone thought that I would spend the special day studying away, albeit not very productive. Daddy, these 100 days I think I have grown quite a bit. Each bit of revelation and prompting, uncertain but went on anyway. Daddy, in Your own timing and Your divine plans, all things are done. Perhaps I was a little bit disappointed how that excitement tailed off, or perhaps how it took off. Those books, those feedbacks, those encouragements from people around; everything was so wonderful. Thank You for bringing me back down and reminding me that I cannot serve You on only Spiritual highs. My reliance on You is the greatest when I am weak, when I am poor, when I am small, and even those spiritual moments I had them only by Your grace.
Sanctified imaginations come from You, so Lord, I pray for You to continue to speak and help me disbelief. Help me to keep faith and remove all my doubts, that every good things that happen in my life, I will see You in them and give You the deserved glory!
Your child,
Judah
A hundred days on high;
on eagle's wings I fly.
There is an end; there are moments through the valley,
You, the sinners' Friend; a sailor's Mate in the galley.
Fix my eyes upon You;
Use my life through and through.

2 Corinthians 12: 9
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Friday, February 24, 2012

0- THE Day

Daddy,
I have finally turned 21. The 2 hours spent with You, as I crossed the last hour of my 20th and spent the first hour of 21st with You, it felt really short. I have been holding on to that excitement for 100 days, and I thank God for such a way things are turning out! It's unconventional, and it's, You bet, to my liking! Perhaps the withhold is just right to keep me excited, to keep me discontented, to keep my desire burning and prompt me want to seek more! Moreover, the final days of the countdown has already been overwhelming, so if more were to come, it'd be difficult to match that height of encounter again! So I thank You for the small revelations You have given me! 
Your child,
Judah
Exactly 21 years ago;
A decision to which both rejected "no".
Child's birth; child's growth.
It hadn't been easy and sometimes things were even tough;
Give mom a daisy; an appreciation not even the effort's half.
Relentless strive; the father's wife.
21 years on from then;
That boy of age 1 plus 2-tens!
Recount those seasons of love before my eyes;
A kinship the world's wealth could never buy.

John 16: 21
"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come;
but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish
because of her joy that a child is born into the world."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

3- When the floodgates break open!

Daddy,
I'm finally calming down. It's been a crazy countdown- if this is the excitement I have been convinced about. 
Mind-blowing D's sharing this morning was only the beginning, and the subsequent ones that came- the encouragement from Sim, reaffirmation from D, and the memory of the reassurance from Din, Na's appreciation. If 100 copies, SGD800 meant that much in terms of values, the kind of rewards to be reaped: in salvation and in encouragement... I thank You for involving me! 
I finally saw the thais again, after half a year. If distance does makes the heart grow fonder- friends whom we meet less than twice a year gave us so much more than everyday friends. I thank You for the reunion, and even more so for certain words, that Bethlehem House needs me, that ex-navy ministers crossed my path, that certain decisions are made on faith. I pray for complete healing upon Pastor Anong!
In Christ's love,
Judah
The big long steps, we wait; the little short steps, we continue to seek for Your assurance.
Your plan we trust and not worry, that Your goodness will unfold, and in You I will be rich and strong.

Philippians 4: 19
"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Monday, February 20, 2012

4- blown away

Father,
I'm blown away- that strong sentiment of being touched, of being in Your hand, that assurance that You have heard me. It's just so so so much beyond words. I mean, I tried dwelling in Your presence, I tried focusing so hard to listen to Your voices, I even prayed for the gifts that You have instructed us to pray for, but many times, all these seem to be in vain. I feel so weak, and perhaps small. That behind the facade of the confidence, masked by that smirk, stands a forlorn figure- too exhausted, too insecure, too dubious? 
Living out a Christian life isn't that difficult- by not swearing, we have already completed half the portrait; by doing infrequent quiet time, we are already a lot better than so many who don't even bother to attempt; by raising a barricade to seemingly mark out the discipline zone would perhaps place us on a moral ground high enough. Yet, living in a Christian life shakes the previous claim. Of not the same level of discipline in the private sphere; of a genuine intention to seek and draw close to Him; that Godly love overflows into every relationship in lives. That, is very very difficult. You said it won't be easy to follow You, but every step we take, You have already taken before us. That intimacy, I just yearned for an encounter, to finally hear You, see You, or just simply feel You. 
For weeks, I have heard wonderful things happening. From the school's crusade page to the social circles around me, people are sharing about how You have prompted them and given them these many opportunities to be participants in Your works. Sometimes I just drift away. I understand the kind of envy or even frustration many harbor. "Am I not good enough?" The knowledge that it is by faith and not deeds prove insufficient to help me shake away such resentment. The more I see, the more I crave, the harder I try, and perhaps naturally the more blind/deaf I become as my own attempts cloud all Your revelations that You have intended for me. Indeed, if to do more is to do less, that hearing You means to simply just wait on You and await Your guidance, Lord, help me.
Just less than half-an-hour back, I got swept off my feet. What a wonderful episode! Nothing extraordinary, just an email with an appreciation but it means so much to me, really a lot a lot. Yet, I choose to believe and acknowledge that it is by Your divine intervention that such ordinary acts can be transformed into what it has been for me. The timing of the event, the frame of mind at this instance, the occurrences over the past few weeks (perhaps not just only on my side, but on D and E's sides as well) have but all seemed to be a preparation for Your goodness to unfold before our eyes. I'm really grateful, and I continue to pray for D. Lord, will You just continue to speak to her and help her to know that each time it is You who has spoken. You see how desire and You know her heart, a keenness for You to fill her life, so Lord, I just want to commit her into Your hands, and trust that You will continue to work and move in her life. I thank You for involving me in this catalyst. Lord, I thank You also for the joy that You have given me, and for seeing me in my most down. I give You glory and thanks for all that You have done in my life! 
In Jesus's most precious name I pray,
Amen!
Your prodigal son,
Judah
Thy whisper in my ear;
A voice I so keen to hear.

Romans 10: 17
"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message,
and the message is heard through the word of Christ."

Thursday, February 16, 2012

8- new stride

Daddy,
I thank You for today. It felt like a mini playback, a quick recollection of the many milestones in life. Meeting up with some of the people whom have mattered in one way or the other in various aspect in life.
It is not for one to doubt, but to believe by sheer faith, even in the absence of affirmation. I think I have come through one season and am entering another. Lord, reveal and guide and I crave and yearn for a personal touch!
When the season calls, when the time is right, it is not me who searches, but Your manifold and great mercies will provide, that all good things will fall into place in accordance to Your will. The best response to hearing is to wait to hear more, so help me to not do what I am not meant to do!
Lord, You see the hurt and You know what is going on, so Lord, I pray for You to prepare the people. Help us to look to You and help the world to brace for something different, for we are in the world but not of the world. Teach us how to react, and let us not please man but please You!
Lord, I continue to commit and pray for Your guidance. As the season of rest comes to past, Lord, take me from where I am, and may more be accomplished through me! Use me Lord!
In Christ's name I pray,
Amen!
Your child,
Judah
It was amazing to be in your presence;
a fruition that never came through; but the flower lingers in the silence.
Beautiful memory;
my life story.

Ecclesiastes 7: 14
"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about the future."

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

10- contention

Daddy,
You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in You. I really do wonder if it's me not wanting it enough, not trying hard enough, been using You as an excuse, but as I sat on the hot seat, all these had not matter. If choosing You and feeling good after choosing You means that I have been taking the easy way out; if giving more of my time to a devotion with You means that I have not worked hard enough, then that is indeed what I will choose to be- to be non-ambitious, to be lazy, to be irresponsible. At least, You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in You! 
The paper was tough, and I worked hard at the last minute, choosing instead to do my part for the team and even attending prayer meeting at the 11th hour, finally giving way at 1 or 2. I haven't been perfect, and there has definitely been occasions when I succumbed to sin, but all in all, I will choose to trust. For all things happen for the good of those who love You! Daddy, see my heart and cleanse it if need as You deem necessary! Lord, I commit myself into Your hands. 
Today is my sister's birthday. I pray for your blessings to be upon her. Continue to mould her in Your likeness and I pray for Your tolerance and gentleness to be upon me as I seek to be a good brother. Lord, help me. I know it's a long process, but You are all powerful and almighty!
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen!
Your  child,
Judah
Season of love,
the Heaven's Darling's birth.

Ephesians 4: 2- 3
"Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Monday, February 13, 2012

11-Stood by me

Daddy,
I wanna thank You for all the things! It's been an awesome journey, albeit littered with disappointments and frustrations, but You have been faithful throughout. Just as the declaration was made, that promise I covenanted, this is the last, and I will be filling this up with You and only You. Thank You for such beautiful memories and the joy and excitement! The adrenaline rush earlier on meant much, as a farewell gift or a retirement present. Thank You Lord for Your protection and for the understanding. I have been lousy with time management but You stood by and waited. Thank You Father!
The revelation and the transition into a new season puts me on my toes. I am nervy, perhaps a little uncertain, so Lord I pray for Your affirmation, that I have not made up this Help me to look to You, really!
As for the cell that is developing, I'm slowly beginning to get a grasp of the whole picture. Lord, continue to help me see, as I choose to follow You and be like You, help me to see like You, help me to hear like You, may Your compassion be upon me, that out of love, my leadership for this group of people will flow.
Your child,
Judah
"That's all folks," the childhood Looney Tunes sounds,
1, 2, down-up, pop the stunts come down.
A chapter in life,
For excellence we strive.
Pleasant memories tucked into the corner,
Reminisce we will, in our hearts we are the winners!

Philippians 4: 8
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable,
if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

11- Response

11- twinkle

Daddy,
Some days back I saw a stay above the roofs; that same night, everyone reported the sighting of a beautiful moon. It's an intriguing sight- the millions of light years between us laden with Your creations and wonders. I was mesmerized! Yet at that instant, it was that one star that caught my eye, I named her "twinkle". 
A month ago I was talking about an unprecedented excitement I sensed from You. Right now, I don't know whether it has already come to past, but the surprising progression of matters did bring about much joy. That dedication of those books to You is a masterstroke to lift up my spirits!
2 days back, I talked to C about the existence of a short season- a season too short? I wondered. I have no idea what sort of seasons I have come through, but at least I stand in the assurance that You have walked me through 21years of uncertainty with unwavering faith. Right now, as the season for discipline and perhaps celibacy are seemingly coming to an end, I think I stand slightly refreshed of a new beginning. A self-declared/ God-prompted sabbatical blessed me much! And as it seems, programs and events are flowing in, a responsibility only God-given strength can reciprocate. Yes, Your grace has shown me how I can be used, my ability utilized! The burgeoning heart, and the expanding desire. Lord, despite my absence for over a week, spent in rest, I thank You for today's sermon on Joshua and Jericho- a reliance, a trust, a commitment, an urgency. 
Your child,
Judah
What lies ahead after crossing over;
40 years of wonder finally expecting the clover.
Things can only get better;
a Jericho in the way ain't no matter.
Ask not if He's for us or against us,
Instead question how ready we thus.

Isaiah 55: 11
"So is My Word that goes out from My mouth:
it will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Monday, February 6, 2012

18- trying to hear

Daddy,
There always seem to be a moment or two when I seemingly am supposed to be at some other places, some places apart from where I am comfortable, only to discover the fruitfulness of such obedience to really enjoy the unfolding of a plan. I am glad, and I continue to seek. Lord, today has been a long day, a little too taut perhaps, where I had to commute between the extremities of the island. Tired, exhausted, littered with a crack of smile and the sweetness of a little joy when everything fell into place. I think I am just so thankful today.
Lord, I have started on the book again and as much as I sought to seek You that much, Lord, I want to trust that You have already spoken, so just help me to know it's You. I have been worried about those voices in the head, even more so, the implication of a mental state- abnormal psychology, but I will just have to keep faith. Lord, help me to know.
As the books are being processed Lord, I just want to give You thanks for the inspirations! I pray for You to speak through my works. Lord, all glory to You and You alone, so Lord please help me to just commit on my part. Let me not take things into my own hands, but really entrust this entire opportunity and initiative into Your mighty hands. Help me to trust in Your sovereign plans, and let You take charge here. Lord, from here, I pray for the potential readers of this book, that You will speak to them and reveal to them. Touch their hearts and open up their eyes so that they too, will see Your goodness. Lord, I also pray for a discerning heart, help me to see who these books will minister too. Guide me as I make the distribution and may Your blessings flow out from me!
Finally Lord, I continue to pray for Your presence to dwell in me. I pray for A Godly encounter!
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen!
Your child,
Judah
A stroke of the mighty hands;
A tale that has begin.
In abundance the puzzle of life pieces together;
Of radiance the story declares glory unto the Father!

Galatians 2: 20
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live,
but Christ lives in me.
The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

18- Having faith, having fun

Daddy,
I am so sorry to have hurt You this way, that just as we were on a high, I had to put such an abrupt halt to such a wonderful development of a relationship with You. Lord, it is so easy for me to want to replace of fill Your space in my life with other things. Lord, sometimes things are really difficult- when I don't seem to be able to see You or hear You, or even just to feel You. Sometimes, I wonder why, why do others have all the encounters, but my request for just a little sign from You has to be rebuffed time and again. It hurts very badly, really. Perhaps that is root of that unbelief, that by my human eye and human brain, I cannot perceive the wonder of Your Great GREAT Love for us. Lord, indeed help my unbelief.
I thank You for today's message, that You are not only able, but also a willing God! Help me to run to You and to commit to You more each day; more of myself, more of my life, more of my everything. Lord, take it.
Just as I seek to receive the gift of healing to day Lord, I pray for You to work through me. Help me to avail myself to Your works and use me in Your ways, Lord. Despite the lack of a breakthrough, Lord Your miracle has already happened and by faith I want to be like the man who shouted "I have been healed, praise the Lord". I want to acknowledge Your goodness in my life and help me to go forth by faith. Right here, I speak healing onto my mom's backbone. In Jesus's name, I reject the injury and reject the pain, and I want to claim the healing for this injury, that by the power of my almighty God, she will receive complete healing!
I also want to uphold ASE in prayer. Indeed a mighty movement is happening within, so Lord, I pray for You to continue to show us, show us Your plan! Reveal to us and help us to abide in Your works!
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen!
Your unworthy child,
Judah
Light of the world, stepped into darkness;
 gold, incense and myrrh, the wise men's gladness.
A Savior King, my heart will sing;
Almighty God, gracious Lord;
my unbelief I leave at the foot of the cross;
into Your charge I commit my life to the utmost.

John 20: 29
"Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed;
blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.""

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

24- Finale

Daddy,
The final countdown has arrived. As I round off the compilation for my birthday, I pray for Your blessings to be upon that initiative. May my idea be pleasing to You that You will adopt it and make it a part of Your will. Lord, please use this opportunity mightily and help me to rely on You more each day. I pray for Your light to shine through these poems that they will point the readers to You. The excitement I wanna keep faith, so Lord, I pray for You to sustain it. Help me stay alert and look out and listen out, when You speak let me hear You. 
I continue to pray for the gifts of tongue and Lord will You just reveal to me Your plan for us all. You are the great Daddy who has blessed me so abundantly, so Lord I wanna continue to trust in Your provision and sustenance, that You will always keep me close to You, and that my heart will always incline towards You.
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen!
Your child,
Judah
Undeserving we stood in the midst;
Betrayal bought when Judas kissed.
A prophecy of old, fulfilled through the Son of Man who abandoned His throne for love's sake;
Mercy we hold, stilled in awe, my burden I leave at the foot of the cross my sin will make.
Agape love, from heavens above;
21 years of blessings, today I hear.
With gratitude I praise Your Holy Name;
to multitude Your goodness spreads Your mighty fame.

John 3: 16
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,
that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."