The Martha Syndrome (struggle)

Martha was feeling aggrieved about her situation. She was busy preparing the table, doing up the decoration, cleaning up the place for the big occasion. I mean, come on, Jesus is in town! Martha was determined to give her best. She was showing Jesus a deserving honour. 
Elsewhere in the bible, the brother of the prodigal son displayed a similar predicament. Spirit of excellence was probably today's equivalence of how he got by. He was trying hard, trying very hard indeed. In fact, in his own words, he was probably doing very well in what he was doing at the point of his brother's return. He thought he was deserving of a celebration for what he had done all the while. 

Isn't that one of modern Christian's phenomenon? Some struggled with it, others thrive along with it; but all these while, one thing suffers: our relationship with God. 

"Mary has chosen for herself that which is good, and no one can take that from her."

Very comforting words, but on reflection, where is the Mary today? How many choose Jesus above our countless other commitments; how many remember to rest upon the feet of the Lord; how many have the same yearning to hear from Him? When we continually justify ourselves using Christianese, self-righteousness creeps in. "Are you going to allow her to just sit there while I slog away? Get her to help me." "I have given you my all, but you never gave me anything to celebrate!" 

Ah, how beautiful is this grace that is from God? 

We choose, and we continually choose. 

It's intentional. It's focused on God. 

Choose for yourself whom you would serve. It's between Papa and us~

The Kind of Pain that You do not Know

If pain is measured on a scale of 10, with 1 being not pain at all, how would your life be rated? 

If my life had been 1, it would have sailed smoothly, with a stern wind and a following seas aiding my cause. I call that bliss.

If my life had been a 10, it would have fallen at every crack, and I would have all the reason in the world to lament.

But what if my life is an 8, or worse still what if it's a 6. Life's not that bad, but it lingers on the bad side. No one really seems to be too bothered, or simply cared enough to come around. Really, life's just fine as it is. Look at the African kids! Count your blessings, dude! You have to agree with me that a 6 sucks! 

A 6 kind of pain is the kind of pain that condemns many to mediocrity. Working adults continually ponder over their career, albeit it being far from what they've ever wanted. Many ended up slogging their lives away, all in the name of "at least it feeds my family". At least, that's what shortchanges; above all, that's what convinces us to settle for less. 

A 6-kind of pain invites skepticism. Come on, it's not that bad. I think this is what kills today. Gone are the days when explicit killings and persecutions haunt and threaten the safety of humanity, barring aside the ISIS situation. A 6 kind of pain throws people off our guard when we do not know how to respond- When the decision to stand firm takes the form of putting up with, rather than speaking up for. 

A 6-kind of pain receives the least support. You are stronger than this! A 6-kind of pain creates a barrier against seeking help. I am not that weak. Voices like that continually ring in our head, and how many of us are willing to concede- that the nibbling pain is devouring us in a manner we feel helpless about. Yes, I am living; yes, I am surviving; yes, I have all my biological needs met; yes, I'm being a good enough parent; but wait... In doing all those, I am actually losing myself, gradually.  

A 6-kind of pain creates shame. What if I feel like I do not belong; what if where I am now is a result of a perceived mistake. I am serving my consequence, a term; and each step is a drag. Then comes the expectation from the bigger pool- where is your spirit of excellence? Your attitude sucks! Pursuing alternative satisfaction becomes a source of great shame and guilt. Competition for attention renders me unable to commit the same kind of devotion toward my "job" as I inevitably choose the things which reinvigorate me. Compounded by the lack of passion, I struggle big time at work. I am trying, all the time, but it just never seems enough. 

A 6-kind of pain hurts more than a 10. Who knows petty issues are the ones that kill? A sharp pain would trigger the application/consumption of a medication to remedy the illness, but an illness without any symptom is the one that leads to fatality. 

I have the 6-kind of pain. Maybe things are really not that bad, but they ain't that good either. So when you began to conclude that "surely things ain't that bad", that conclusion makes things that much worse. 

Yes, I am a First Generation Christian

"You must be a first generation Christian."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because normally, the first-generation Christians are the ones who are super passionate about their faith." "The second generation Christians are more cautious in their approach, and you may even label them as more laid-back."

Unfortunate. This is largely unfounded, and there are two major flaws to such a remark. Firstly, it normalises laid-backness; secondly, it creates a false ceiling, which in turn builds a false pattern. Lies~

Countless counts of biblical verses instruct the elders to teach and guide the youngsters, equipping them with the essential love, fear and knowledge of the Lord such that they do not turn to the left or right when they grow up. There is an inherent responsibility in becoming a Christian, one that goes beyond the self, one that goes beyond my generation. It is one that promotes the continuation and growth of the faith, inter generation and across generations.

We stand on the shoulder of spiritual giants down historical tracks, with their ceilings as our floor, as we receive our due portion and as God continues to reveal to the world the things of God. 

Therefore, the grief that comes along with every lost individual pains intensely. I look at youngsters who grow up in churches, and as they make the subsequent decision to call it quits- I have enough of church, I have enough of christians, I have enough of this faith that I can neither see nor feel, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF JESUS. 

Then it made me wonder. How have we been doing church, and if we have been doing it right. OUCH! 
It is then that the wisdom in the bible began to make sense. If you are neither hot not cold, I'll spit you out of my mouth. But why? If hot is the ideal, shouldn't lukewarm be at least slightly better than if there is a complete absence of heat? Yet, scripture says, He will spit the lukewarm out of His mouth. 
Apathy creates a false sense of alrightness. I don't commit major sin, so I'm a decent guy. Mission trips or ministries or anything that requires more than what is convenient is not for me. I'm just happy to be in the pew (when my schedule allows), and of course I'd embrace the Christian label. Of course, I believe in Jesus. Convenient Christians are fans more than followers, and fanfare is self-explanatory when it comes to the issue of commitment, dedication, sacrifices and counting of cost. 
Laid-blackness is not ok! It is not and should not be normal. Christianity isn't just about teaching you to be good. It is life transforming, community-changing, aspiration-inspiring. It embodies the notions of grace, mercy, love and faith. Take that! It's a real encounter with God that goes beyond the intellect, beyond imagination, beyond a rigid practice of religious law. It is an encounter with Christ. And older believers should always ensure the preservation of this aspect! If all these become real of our pursuit, our approach would have changed. 

I Won't Give Up On You

We have our fair share of hurts, frustrations and often we feel like just walking away. 

I don't care, what they are going to say~ 

It is painful business. Innately, we are created with a desire for betterment, to be discontented, to yearn for more. When we began to settle for less, therein produces a dissonance, a deep discomfort. Jealousy or "The field is always greener on the other side" syndrome, so I term it continues to baffle. It is a taboo; socially constructed to be a taboo- a sign of ungratefulness and greed. 
Yet, humanity continues to struggle; struggle to deal with the throbbing voice in the head, struggle to figure out if that is indeed all there is to life, struggle to wonder what could have been, struggle to fathom the what-ifs. Self-management was drawn in broad-strokes to push the blame to the individuals- the reason why you struggle is because you are weak, you have poor self-management, your value-system is flawed. It is discouraging, dampening, and difficult. 

3 times I entertained thoughts of quitting. I thought I have had enough. Leaving was the easier way out, but I did not want it to become a pattern in my life- to quit at every resistance, even though these ones were much more intense than before. Therefore, I stuck by. I complained a lot, but I stuck by. The social science people talk about "emitting negative energy". I embodied that notion, and my presence epitomised it. I complained, a lot, really. 

5 years on from the time I decided to stick by, I am glad that I did. 

1. Sticking by allowed forced me to grow. This was Newton's 3rd law lived out. A wise man once told me this of his philosophy: 

In life you have 3 buckets. 1 bucket represents the people whom you are dealing with, 1 the environment or the situation that we are in, and 1 yourself. You transfer the water between these buckets to attain the equilibrium that you so desire. The catch is that none of these 3 buckets are identical. It is easy desire to want to change the first 2, but the efforts required do not reciprocate. It is tough decision to change the 3rd, but at least the efforts required is in our hands. 

In going through difficult and windy routes, the arrival at the destination became a little more worthwhile. On top of that, the hindsight we gain at each reflective juncture could be very heartening too- to see how much we have grown (and matured).

2. Sticking by gives us the clarity of mind. Sticking by for a little while is akin to us entering a warm outdoor from an air-conditioned place- our glasses fog up before we could react, and it takes a while for us to see clearly again. Sticking by delays a rash decision (TO NOT JUST ACT) to pass a judgment. 

Our initial convictions can come strong and hard that they block out every other voice that entails. I couldn't worship in church for 3 weeks after coming back from a mission trip because the setup felt too hypocritical. First-world people with their silly first-world problems were laughable non-issues compared to the life-and-death, the struggle to make ends meet, the sacrifices and the desolations. So understandably, that was one of my 3 stints of wanting to leave, very very badly. Talking christianese irked me badly, and I withdrew. Yet I stuck by (not by my own strength because I genuinely wanted to leave, so I think God kept me there, by His grace).

Today, I continue to struggle with many of these self-righteous attitude of mine, because (admit it) there are many professed christians who are just pure annoying. So I shot myself in the leg when I said delay the rash decision to pass a judgment. Here is not the ideal platform to debate about the theological standpoint/definition for biblical "judgment". What I meant is this: we continue to be entitled to our own views, beliefs and every right to feel aggrieved, as per before. But I urge all of us to not put the nail on the coffin. That is to say, judge, inconclusively. It is in the blood of every bible-believing Christians to be hopeful; so to partner with hopelessness is... BAD, very bad. 

No matter how bad a situation is, the person we are dealing with is, the bleakness of the future is, a sight that is set upon the Lord would see possibility. Even in deaths, we see heaven. 

Countless times in history, God transformed the hearts of people like Matthew, Zacchaeus, and Paul. Paul himself said "Christ came to the world to save the sinners, amongst whom he is the worst". If God could change the worst sinner, then what more the annoying neighbour, colleague or even the churchgoer who sits beside us in the pew every Sunday?

3. Sticking by creates a grateful (gracious) heart. By acknowledging what is God's portion and what is our portion, we can let God be God. In first John, it is said that those who do not love their brothers who they can see cannot love God whom they do not see. There is deep wisdom in the emphasis of relationships with men. I suspect one of the main purposes is a mirror. By showing a little grace, we realize the vastness of the grace we have received from Him, and that makes us grateful. 

4. Sticking by builds relationship. When I look at how Jesus pursued Peter or how God pursued Jonah, I am greatly humbled. God being all-knowing, had every reason to feel wronged, frustrated and even aggrieved- I could totally imagine the number of face-palm moments if the narratives had been modernized. Yet, the pursuit was relentless. I believe it was also this relentlessness that deepened, touched and transformed. Proverbs 17:17 "a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." 

I don't mean we deny our humanity and transform into saints who don't get angry nor upset. I took time off from a friend of ten years due to some seemingly unresolvable conflict, and it was a good whole year of oblivion toward each other's life. Ideal being ideal, conflicts happen and sometimes it's just too painful to press on. But can I suggest, if it's not resolvable between the two, then at least resolve it within yourself- neutralize the anger. We don't have to be as intimate as we used to be, but the anger should not linger for too long. 

Know our friend as a fellow human, and extend that same kind of grace that we have received ourselves. 

5. Sticking by builds faith. Many times we give up because we look at the foreseeable future and conclude that it's not possible, at least humanly. Abraham hung onto the promise and received Isaac when he was 100 years old; Joshua persisted and finally saw the promised land after 40 years; David persisted in the cave and lived a precarious life for 16 years before ascending the throne. Many times when things become super tough, it becomes very difficult to continue trusting, especially when much is at stake- future, security, credibility, relationships etc. That is also when we have taken our eyes off whom we can trust. Sticking by is an ultimate form of surrender whereby we look all around us (360 degree left-right, front-back, up-down all dimensionally) and know that now I can't, so God has to come through.