Sunday, July 29, 2012

Inward glimpse

Like a tetris game played out in its horizontal plane,
each time a row clears, 
each time I feel the liberating breeze. 

3 weeks of absence does not condemn this period into its activity-less-ness. 3 months of summer break shrunk into the remaining 2 weeks as the majority of it had been spent in the military context. Dread and pain aside, I thank God for the experience, and definitely the mostly meaningful, and the meaningless, that I've gone through. It's finally finished, the eventually subsequently finally! 
What awaits ahead is exciting, for a change! A novelty to begin with- as of now at least it seems like an extended period of meeting up with people, and hopefully some me-time! Everyone seems to already have a portion of me!

In any case, I'm thankful to be back here blogging... 

It's funny how seasons in seasons out, the transition sees the nature does its broad strokes on the majestic master piece, yet the lively patches of spring underlays a passionate blaze of the summer's scorch, which underlays the soft fallen foliage of the autumn's breeze, on top of which is a layer of white beauty which calls for the comfort of a family cuddling. We do not move on from one season to the next; we grow into it. One does not simply go into Autumn without going through Summer, and likewise for any other precedences. 
That same old issue, buried and uncovered, like the hidden treasure trove underneath that shallow sand. The wind blows to reveal an edge of the engravings, and the next time it blows, a fresh layer of sand covers it. Issues do not just disappear, they become a part of the landscape. The flatness relies on it. 
Last entry I mentioned about the spirit of joy and how I came to reconciliation with a certain hurt, and it would have been the most desirable if a fairy tale ending entailed. It would have... seriously, except that it was me making the call. Then I realize how defensiveness is not an action but an attitude- how in refusing to 'argue', I chose grudges. This is a really deep issue- self-righteousness perhaps, or maybe nonchalance. I find it almost ridiculous that in volunteeringly relinquishing leadership, I expected others to do likewise, and became intolerant toward those who do not. Nonsensical! As clear as things stand now, I was very blinded to it for the longest period. I need to become less of that, and for that MOGLOM needs to come true!
More of God, less of me. That is my prayer, amen!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of man

Campus Crusade for Christ Freshman Orientation Camp 2012 has finally come to an end. As cliche as it may sound, the ending of one typically marks the beginning of the other- this symbolizes the embarking of a new journey for freshman and seniors alike. 
The entire camp has been a miracle in itself, and as the 3days-2nights event unfolded, I couldn't help but to recognize God's grace upon every bit of this intention to bless- How the suspension dragged on through the months, how it eventually got lifted, how everything had seem like an impossibility, how we have entrusted, how we had been granted favor from receiving kind assistance for accommodation and food to bureaucratic effectiveness in terms of all the approvals and documentations, how we had acted by faith and planned for 60 even though a week before the camp itself the figure had stayed in the 20s, how people suddenly popped up in random conversations to volunteer and inquire about signups, how the rainy season has nicely 'evaded' the time slots when we had our outdoor games, how every small areas of the past 3 days had tugged and resonated with certain things that had felt familiar, how the messages were able to minister, how God came to meet us at where we were, how everything just fell into place, the list goes on... What a testimony of God's faithfulness and promise!

2 months back when things were still very much hanging in the air, some administrative actions had to be taken due to circumstances, and we were each consulted for a decision to be made- whether we wanted to continue to stay in the committee if things would turn out to be vastly different from what we probably had expected or even planned for them to be like. I had a conviction that this is where I should be and where I should persist on, but was never really a part of my prayer life. My answer had sounded noble- a declaration that I had responded to be a part of the team because God had called me, and there is no reason why I should leave it halfway without having accomplished/achieved anything, but on retrospect, it is not even my 'righteousness' or anything of my own for that matter that had made this possible. I am glad that everyone stayed on through the planning and played a part in availing ourselves for God's usage, and am most happy that we have had the privileged to partner with God in this. 
But my biggest takeaway was a realization of my purpose. Jesus was clear about His purpose- He has come so that we may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10). If it had been the straightforward "I've come to give my service to Him", the realization would probably had not been as impactful, but as I went through those days, I was convicted. I have come so that He could minister to me. There is a part of me that had been unsettled sometime back, and as the days went by, deceiving myself that I had come through those, I grew unaware of the changes that were taking place within me. Many asked me why I had become so quiet. In those times, I did not know the answer until the logical side convinced me that I had entered a season in life where I preferred to be quiet, and for a long while that became my excuse. I am in a quiet phase in life.
"Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of man." (Matthew 4:19) Anchored upon this central verse of the camp, the 3 part-message was delivered. The message was cool, and the contents insightful, but it was the closing prayer, and the subsequent paired sharing with Ying Kheng. "... Perhaps someone had made us question our worth or made us feel unworthy..." This has never occurred to me before, but there and then, the cut in the heart was so real. "Do you like your new self?" At that question I teared. I remember I was smiling- smiling at my own foolishness, at all those sorrow that I have put myself through, at the same time relieved that I have found what had been bothering me for a good part of the past 3 years. "There is a bubbling spirit of joy within me. I ought not to let other people deflate it." That I concur, and the retrospective justification of that helped me understand myself slightly better!
I am reverting back to who I was, and I yearn to shed away this difficult new-me, and I just pray and hope that this is not a one-off spiritual-high for myself, but truly it is a transformational revelation- one that nudges me toward becoming whom my Creator has created me to be. In Jesus's name I commit this desire. Amen!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Ironing Out

Every few step forward I took, I stole a glance over my shadow (in a desperate attempt to check my progress: how far have I travelled).
______________________________________
It has been busier than expected. The current term of the military special term had been perceived as the more relaxed one, but somehow I've become busier- I must have been a really wonderful student to have been so diligent in keeping up with my readings and assignments! This is a good momentum that I definitely hope to last for the remaining of the school terms! Lord God, be my strength and my hope!
8 July 2012
This is also my confirmation date. On hindsight, when I first came to Christ I was already thinking about the confirmation name that I'd want for myself- Barnabas, just to name one. However, as things have turned out, I've stuck faithful to 'Judah' from baptism to confirmation, until now. God's praise- it means- though synonymous to betrayer Judas- is a huge name to live up to. Getting confirmed today has much significance as I stood alongside some of my closest siblings in Christ in the proclamation of our faith. O God, draw us closer to You and honor our desire to meet You. 
I'm just glad it came at a time so perfect. That it was in through the falling that I saw my need for help. Many head knowledge had fallen on deaf ears before, so it's not those that I needed. It is a personal touch, one that soothes the heart, and one that comforts the wound, and one that relieves the pain. It made a conspicuous entry- no drama, no fireworks, no announcements, not even a trace- but the effect was obvious. I feel renewed! And it was only then that I realize how far that heart condition could be traced.. Regardless, the breaking of the roots represents a cause for joy, and I give thanks for all that have came to past- and thank God for the sustenance through it all. Today, I'm once again feeling good about myself, and the root of it is because I am a prince in God's Kingdom- the gradual revelation continues to blow my mind off each time!
Thank God indeed!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

About Worship


I spent the morning watching both of Sister Act 1 and 2 and I thought them to be really good movies, from which I genuinely caught a glimpse of what it means to worship. In both films, each musical had seemed more like a performance, but I recognize that the performance element came from a complete devotion into the business! By complete devotion, I literally meant being 'lost' in the worship
It just takes a few "lalala~" to get us going!
Sometimes, I find it very difficult to grapple with the very conscious me about pride (when I feel slightly good) and other times when I become really conscious of how people are thinking about how we sing (looking at us worship, portraying the right image, giving the right rhythm, giving the right harmonization). But when we become lost in it, it becomes so natural, and the fear of pride just disappears. We ought to know better that we ought not to fear, and that fearlessness stands against pride as well. And I find it such a joy to be able to enjoy the 'performance'. Many people told me we are singing for God when we worship, but I think we are singing for many people- and God is the Guest of Honor! I just feel that very often, I become so conscious of the 'need' to focus on God, and the 'need' to not care about how people see me, that in trying to focus, I became distracted; in trying to be devoted, I became preoccupied. 

I just feel that it's fine to look at the audience, to smile at the audience, and to even interact with the audience. Like what you told me the other time that by admitting that we are good is not pride, because we know that God gives them to us- If people say we can sing, we reply thank you and continue singing. Likewise, when we look at people and have interaction (be it verbal exchange or eye contacts), we are not distracted from worship, but we are soaked in the community of worship, being embraced in the atmosphere created only by the gathering of worshippers engaging in the same activities single-mindedly. I like the part when Mary Roberts came out to harmonize with another nun, and she smiled at her: 2:21.


God's child,
Judah

Overcoming a 'need' (not so big)

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Psalm 23:4

If the previous struggles were spiritual hurdles, then my current situation has got to be a major obstacle to overcome. My recent posts always pointed to a renewal of faith which dated back to mid December 2012. Today, I continue to rejoice and take pride in that particular feat, one which lifted me high and helped me feel really close to Him. 
Yet, while in the midst of that spiritual high, I somehow became angry, angry at the perceived negligence. It was a short span of a few weeks (at best, 2), but it felt long. These 2 weeks, I carried on with the routinized reading of the Word, and even muttered prayers, but all were done without the Spirit. I felt drained, and felt disillusioned. Coupled with the CHC incident (of which I continue to decline to give my comment), I guess it took a bad toll on me. Why, God, why?
But having come through it, like how our faithful Father always stuck by His promises to bring us through the various 'difficult periods' in life, I attest to His faithfulness. I challenge the notion of while I am still "far off", because that has never been the case. He loves us too much to let us wander too far away from Him, so even when we turn from Him, He continues to linger and watch from nearby/behind. Then, I got reminded of how He had known me before I met Him when I was 17. 17 years of prior silent companionship- how noble is that! 
I am going to be in love again!
Thank You Daddy!