Campus Crusade for Christ Freshman Orientation Camp 2012 has finally come to an end. As cliche as it may sound, the ending of one typically marks the beginning of the other- this symbolizes the embarking of a new journey for freshman and seniors alike.
The entire camp has been a miracle in itself, and as the 3days-2nights event unfolded, I couldn't help but to recognize God's grace upon every bit of this intention to bless- How the suspension dragged on through the months, how it eventually got lifted, how everything had seem like an impossibility, how we have entrusted, how we had been granted favor from receiving kind assistance for accommodation and food to bureaucratic effectiveness in terms of all the approvals and documentations, how we had acted by faith and planned for 60 even though a week before the camp itself the figure had stayed in the 20s, how people suddenly popped up in random conversations to volunteer and inquire about signups, how the rainy season has nicely 'evaded' the time slots when we had our outdoor games, how every small areas of the past 3 days had tugged and resonated with certain things that had felt familiar, how the messages were able to minister, how God came to meet us at where we were, how everything just fell into place, the list goes on... What a testimony of God's faithfulness and promise!
2 months back when things were still very much hanging in the air, some administrative actions had to be taken due to circumstances, and we were each consulted for a decision to be made- whether we wanted to continue to stay in the committee if things would turn out to be vastly different from what we probably had expected or even planned for them to be like. I had a conviction that this is where I should be and where I should persist on, but was never really a part of my prayer life. My answer had sounded noble- a declaration that I had responded to be a part of the team because God had called me, and there is no reason why I should leave it halfway without having accomplished/achieved anything, but on retrospect, it is not even my 'righteousness' or anything of my own for that matter that had made this possible. I am glad that everyone stayed on through the planning and played a part in availing ourselves for God's usage, and am most happy that we have had the privileged to partner with God in this.
But my biggest takeaway was a realization of my purpose. Jesus was clear about His purpose- He has come so that we may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10). If it had been the straightforward "I've come to give my service to Him", the realization would probably had not been as impactful, but as I went through those days, I was convicted. I have come so that He could minister to me. There is a part of me that had been unsettled sometime back, and as the days went by, deceiving myself that I had come through those, I grew unaware of the changes that were taking place within me. Many asked me why I had become so quiet. In those times, I did not know the answer until the logical side convinced me that I had entered a season in life where I preferred to be quiet, and for a long while that became my excuse. I am in a quiet phase in life.
"Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of man." (Matthew 4:19) Anchored upon this central verse of the camp, the 3 part-message was delivered. The message was cool, and the contents insightful, but it was the closing prayer, and the subsequent paired sharing with Ying Kheng. "... Perhaps someone had made us question our worth or made us feel unworthy..." This has never occurred to me before, but there and then, the cut in the heart was so real. "Do you like your new self?" At that question I teared. I remember I was smiling- smiling at my own foolishness, at all those sorrow that I have put myself through, at the same time relieved that I have found what had been bothering me for a good part of the past 3 years. "There is a bubbling spirit of joy within me. I ought not to let other people deflate it." That I concur, and the retrospective justification of that helped me understand myself slightly better!
I am reverting back to who I was, and I yearn to shed away this difficult new-me, and I just pray and hope that this is not a one-off spiritual-high for myself, but truly it is a transformational revelation- one that nudges me toward becoming whom my Creator has created me to be. In Jesus's name I commit this desire. Amen!
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