Friday, April 28, 2017

The Dauntingness of Near

Why were the Israelites so faithless; why were there not more of the likes of Caleb and Joshua? 
Why was Simon so faithless; why did he deny Jesus despite boldly claiming that he never would?

Why? That is the benefit of hindsight, because we somehow seem to know better suddenly when the scenarios have already been played out. The "what ifs" become the "if only".

But how must it have felt like for the Israelites, or the Peter in Matthew 26:33-35- when death and uncertainty become more than just a possibility. 

8 years ago, I received my calling, or at least that has been my conviction and narrative since. God called me to missions, period. 

So I went on my pilgrimage of character-moulding, soul-searching, fortitude-building, spiritual-sanctification, rough-edge-chiseling, pride-humbling - all in the name of becoming more like Christ. 8 years are a long time, especially long in an environment hastened by technology, and a long time is difficult to endure. Like a race of marathon, when we become dampen and discouraged, we fix our eyes back on the goal to stay on track. Going into my call was my goal. There is something about goals like this; they rejuvenate and keep us going. I was looking forward. Yet, where I am now, 1 year from that goal, I am feeling the heat. 

I felt like a Peter. When all was good, when my Jesus was winning crowds, performing mind-boggling miracles, speaking wisdom, I slapped my chest to say "never would I forsake you!" And then when there is so much to lose, out of desperation I utter renouncements without any hesitation, "what are you talking about? I do not know Him." To some extent, going into mission was an easy claim to make, because well, 8 years are a long long time away. Until when it comes so near, and daunting. When there is so much to lose, so much to sacrifice for; when suddenly the appeal of the otherwise (whether it is denying Jesus or forsaking my call to mission) suddenly become so much more attractive. I am giving the alternatives serious considerations. The faith that abandons all goes into hiding.