I have just come through a really tough patch in life- maybe 3 months, maybe 30 months, maybe 3 years. The exact duration I have already lost count. In fact, I don't even know where it began. At one point, I felt like I was someone else living in this body- I did not recognize who I was. What I used to like I do not like anymore, what I did not like I began to find a liking. This process- we term it growing up. To give it a parental vibe, it usually sounds like an age-old-nanny's nag: this is for your own good, so grow to like it; french fries and ice cream will kill you. And then to give it a Christian vibe, it's essentially what Paul says in Romans 7. All of which began with an awareness, then a desire, then a behavioral change.
The problem arises when the desire isn't firm, or when the awareness gets competition. Notice that behavioral change is a result of the former 2, but of course one can always attribute it to how difficult a behavioral change is. And the gist of it all, I've been trying too hard, relying on my own strength. As a result, I swung to and fro, making little progresses which always got outdone by an even greater regress. I was sick, I was tired. Interspersed with facades of euphoric high did little to alleviate such hopelessness and helplessness. You know the secular saying- the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Those few moments of momentary victory only rendered the subsequent fall harder and much much more painful. For however long, I dragged this battered body across many temporal milestones. I have been changed, but not just in the good ways. Recent listening to Francis Chan revealed to me a stifled heart- I have become fearful, scared, apprehensive. The initial rashness, the initial passion, the initial fire had been quashed. Times after times, I have got an idea or two about doing something, someone would come along to offer a kind word of advice (with good intentions of course), most of which sounded like "you gotta count your cost", "you should not rush into actions", "you should consider more carefully", "you should be more patient about it", "maybe it's later", "you are moving too fast, wait for the rest", "you might get burn out", and the comments lingered on. Half of them sounded like explicit dissuasion, the other half sounded like warning, or even threat. Implicitly, this is what I heard, "fit in, don't be an extra. Your style of doing things is too different, and people will not like you. You know your heart is good, but really we don't feel comfortable with you trying to drive us around." I relented, or so maybe I thought I did.
Reality played a prank on me. In actual fact, I didn't. The dilemma of situation created in me a double personality- and I snapped in and out of the two selves much more rapid than I would have liked. It was a bad struggle, and to top it off, I was actually aware of this entire switching of personalities. It is not like those you see in the films where one has no conscious awareness of the existence of the other. Perhaps I might have abused the actual definition of duo-self, but it definitely feels apt to describe that as such.
For those who have gotten used to the ambitious adventurous me, my current self has been perceived as a persistent source of negative energy. Once in a while, people would start coming up to me to offer a kind word of encouragement such as "God has a good plan for you", or a "He wants you to know that He loves you" kind of motherhood statement. Somehow, I felt more terrible and everything else except being uplifted. I had a lot of bitterness, and even pride, and at the back of my mind were many voices. "They think they know better", "what a joke to say these"- those were the words which echoed in my head all the time. I felt deep, and I felt like no one really knew what I was going through, or rather, no one really knew me for that matter, but I missed a point: I was losing myself, and I did not know myself either.
Yet despite all these, God's Word stood firm. Matthew 10:30 encapsulates the depth of His knowledge of who I am, and that knowledge was a demonstration of how much He cared for me. And because of that, a rescue mission was initiated.
Many people concluded their salvation story at the point of conversion/receiving Jesus as their Lord and Savior, but for many others who have travelled the road, we would probably have realized that instead of a conclusion, it is really only an introduction. "Only" not because I downplay the significance of such a milestone. Far from it! I celebrate my baptism with fervor, and I even shaved my head as a symbolical gesture to mark a new beginning. Conversion is BIG! "Only" because a Christian life has so much more to offer- I cannot guarantee enjoyable, but I can guarantee good. A good introduction sets the stage for a great story, and mine unfolded almost 6 years back, and I'm still living through the greatest adventure life has to offer. As I am about to come through a significant chapter, it brings me huge jog and pleasure to recount such an experience, of which God has to be the centre of it all.
To be continued...
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