I say, God won't You just be on this writing journey with me. Let this not be of my own thoughts, and as I pour out, reflect and listen, will You just speak in unique ways. Let me not try so hard, but let me gain confidence in what You've called me to do. Partner with me on this journey, not because I am great, but by faith I know that You care enough to want to do that with me and for me. Thank You for being the good Daddy!
I struggled much to articulate my response when prompted about my decisions. Somewhere within I have firm personal convictions, but getting them out has always been tough. I feel like there's some kind of need to convince others, and when that becomes the primary motivation, I feel myself trying too hard- I became very concerned about how I was being perceived, I became unsure myself, and in the end I wasn't explaining my decisions- I was trying to get affirmation...
1) Mission was what brought me to Christ (I am convinced that I got my calling to be a missionary before I came to Christ). That day, I was invited to a friend's church. Joseph Chean was the speaker and the topic was on a series of testimonies of missionaries from all over the world. Christianity had little relevance for me at that point in time, and sacrifices like those were probably illogical and not pragmatic to the atheist me back then. However, that was the trigger point that got me thinking- something within my heart clicked. My conclusions were not conclusive at all, and I began wondering, pondering, and I think I prayed wondrously and ponderously. Hindsight helped me to identify that point as the moment where my heart began to change.
2) My first mission trip revealed to me a deep yearning in the heart, a special kind of connection that could only be supernatural. It's a special kind of bondage that doesn't break with time, and neither does it end with departures. I didn't see this in any of my other friends who went on this trip with me, neither did I see this in those whom I went with on subsequent mission trips. I am not talking about getting these people to come to Christ or even the passion to share the gospel, but it was a simple desire to want to befriend them, to become a part of them, to share with them and to walk with them. It's inspired by love, and out of love everything flows.
3) At the biggest crossroads in my life where I had to decide my future career path, I went in with very little prayers. Many things crossed my mind, and I just wanted the experiences to be full (money was secondary concern because I had little to no desires of becoming rich), so I considered becoming a flight attendant, a mascot in one of the tourist's hotspots, a cabby, etc. But when the opportunity to navy opened up, I quite literally jumped at it. It was rash, and at multiple points thereafter, I regretted and frequently cried out to God- I'm sorry God, get me out from where I feel stuck so often, and won't You just hasten the arrival of that call. I probably did not have to go through this, but there's always a consequence from any kind of decision (so this was what I deserve, yet always remembering Romans 8:28). Somehow, over the years I think I've been learning, and whether it was my own wishful thinking about a missions calling, the way I perceive these lessons has always been missions-skewed. On my part, I have consciously and subconsciously considered myself a missionary-to-be or even already-a-missionary.
4) Somewhere at the back of my mind, I think I've primed myself to pay special attention to missions-related or unrelated stuff. Even right now (I am still learning about how to surrender) very often I would actively/unintentionally look out for signs/words to confirm some of my warped convictions. One of those being Josh Mcdowell and George Mueller's stories about how they left their respective military obligations due to medical reasons, and I saw that as words for myself. It may sound ridiculous right now, but somewhere sometime back, I had the convictions that I heard until weird stares casted doubts on me, but recently both stories came back as strong reminders. I'm not casting health problems upon myself, but I'm quite desperate for what is to come. And if it comes to past, this will be one of those power moments when God use my weakness and transform it into something different. This, I don't think I'm too different from George Mueller.
5) Coming though 4 years of missions, big and small, I think I have caught onto the hearts of missions- about how it's done, and about what it's about. Heidi Baker summarizes it well- that the gospel is about love. My personal conviction about evangelism is this: we don't love in order to preach the gospel; we love that's why we preach the gospel. I don't believe in creating reliance, but I subscribe fully to empowerment. 4 years of being involved in short term missions has exposed me to substantial challenges, but has also revealed to me the amazing grace at works amongst those people. And to me, these attractions far outweigh the so-called challenges on the grounds.
6) Initially when I first went to Thailand, I left my heart there, and I thought Thailand is where I've been called to. I learnt Thai but subsequently for the next 3 years, my affinity with the Thai seemed to have ended, and I was perplexed. Then I got involved with my church's ministries in Indonesia, and I thought this must be it. At one point, I even thought my field is all over the world, and that's gonna include Africa, China, and even Europe. But right now where I am, I'm becoming more certain- I feel like I'm learning things from Thailand/Indonesia and bringing the good stuff over to the other, and it has been a very amazing journey for me. This narrowing down is definitely very human, but I think it has to began there. To be human, and then let the Superhuman do what is beyond and then we obey accordingly.
7) I think I have come to a point of abandonment to be willing to live out Isaiah 6:8. That was my calling verse when I was in OCS. That night, I was doing guard duty and off shift, so I was reading a Christian book in the bunk. That night I memorized many verses, but Isaiah 6:8 jumped at me like no other, and it has stayed with me since.
8) Things are getting clearer over the years, and right now I actually do have some more concrete plans than when I first got my missionary convictions. First I would love to build a school in Khek Noi, and then I would like to expand RADION into Indonesia.
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