Stuck

Many went through a lousy stint in life and they lamented that they had no choice, but in actuality they had made a bad choice from the onset but was unwilling to be responsible for the consequence that entailed. I blame the company for not presenting full view the fine prints; I blame the system for "conning" the young and naive; I blame the environment for not helping me to become more informed; I blame family and friends who failed to come along to advise; I blame God for allowing what had happened to happen. Yes, that is me; and probably also many who might be feeling stuck where they are.

What do you do when you feel stuck. I have had friends who paid off their bonds and started life anew, except that given my family background, that option is entirely out of the picture for me. Furthermore, I do feel like I needed to face that consequence instead of running away from it. 

It's been a terrible 4 years, and I literally feel myself wasting away, consumed by that immense amount of pressure and grievances. Many times I felt like buckling under that weight, but so what if I really did? In my society, emotional background hardly warrants a second look of compassion or pity from any established organization. Feeling sad? Get on with work. Even the passing of a loved one would only warrant a few days of pathetic leave. So I trudged on, every week dragging the battered body across the 1730 of every Friday, then my dying body gets slightly rejuvenated. I live 2 out of the 7 days in a typical week, with the remaining 5 fulfilling responsibilities rather than genuinely living. So what- every typical piece of inspirational essay seems to have a resolution planned and weaved into the perfect moment they term the climax to draw applause- I don't. I don't have a resolution. I continue to struggle. I continue to loathe. I continue to envy the likes of Josh McDowell and George Mueller who found an escapade from their respective military obligations. I continue to wander- when and how am I going to fulfill this obligation. 

And then I could only surrender. 
I could only commit.
I could only strive to continue to not just survive, but to thrive.
I could only continue to lean.
I probably don't understand why, but I think I know God. 
So it's only a matter of years when I finally gain hindsight, then maybe I would be thankful.