My sister poked a friendly jibe at me as I whined for the umpteenth times about me wanting to write but not being able to get down to it. It is true, I haven't had quite a writing drought like this, except that I no longer wish to blare my thoughts the way I used to. So while my brain continued to work tirelessly to generate thoughts of all sorts, I struggled big time getting down to penning them down. Woes to me, indeed, woes to me.
Today, there are some things of noteworthy. The message preached was a refreshing one, teaching me about correction in love and gentleness. It was in the same vein that I'd craft my slant to the issue, but it was so much more palatable and filled with so much more wisdom. In contrast to what I have had just a few weeks before, it put me to shame the sheer amount of pride, arrogance and self-righteousness I've self-righteously felt as I embarked on a marauding march to confront the "bigger evil". Bigger because I've gotten the more obvious parts of my life right... Let's not talk about those that people don't see... Anyway, surely they are guilty of a bigger evil. I know it's not biblical to even give a hint of that, and man, I knew it was not right, but life moves along right? Or so I thought.
In life, you either make things happen, let things happen, or prevent things from happening, but God's destiny for our lives continue to unfold. Perhaps the only difference is the part of whether we choose to play. And these things that happen- it'd be most ideal to think of it as the big movements, those that the passionate activists poured their sweat and blood into. Yes, you know the likes of Jim Elliot, Malala, Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama. Yea, you get my drift. But what if I had told you that these "things" start small? Our tendencies to be late for example; or a perpetual disgust toward vegetables; or the much less talk about addictions to say, pornography? Chinese has a saying that we cultivate the self, then we are able to manage our family, and then we are able to rule a country, and then we will conquer the world. Crux of it all- you start small, and you start from the self. Wisdom right there~ So when the speaker echoed Romans 6:2 to confront the a sinning believer, it felt like she was speaking to me. Or rather, it felt like God was speaking to me. "How can you say you are a believer on one hand and yet continue to indulge yourself in sins and feed your appetite for your addiction- pornography?" Yes, I am guilty and the struggle is real. I must concede the immediate response was a defensive one- "it's easy for you to say, but you have no idea how difficult it is!"
For a large part of my sensible years, I've not been the most sensible. To be exact, it's been almost 14 years. During this period, I came through a season of fear constantly afraid that I might grow up into a sex maniac; I've also came through a period of nonchalance; I came through a season of seeking help (I shared readily in cell, but the other guys never seemed comfortable enough to deal with my honest struggles); I also came through a period of creating milestones to mark my crossover (I will get baptised, and it shall stop there; I will get through my first year as a Christian, and I will move on; I will go for this conference and I will break free from these chains; I will kneel and bow at the cross and repent and I shall be delivered; I will... The attempts went on, but the attempts were futile); I came through a season of looking for replacements and I had short sustained periods of success (when I was in relationships, but each time a relationship ended, the success followed). 14 years were reasonably long- so long that this addiction has almost became a part of me as a being, I no longer recall how it was like before I got crept on. So to hear it like this for the first time after 14 years sparked a lot of things. Within I was perhaps crying, "God, I've tried all means. I've prayed. I've asked. I've pleaded. I knew I couldn't rely on myself. So WHY? Why did you not come through? HOW ELSE?"
For half a year, I've set my goals, that by the end of 2015, I was so going to be the conqueror of such a struggle, and I was so going to share about this wonderful testimony to encourage and perhaps finally empathise with fellow strugglers in our midst. I mean, shameful things like these are not usually talked about- they are tabooed you know. It was going to be so hope-inspiring, except that all these were part of an ideal- one that looked to be of God, but God was never really in the picture. How often do we do this non-God-Godly-things? I say, often. So half a year on, and I continue to struggle, with no seemingly end to my 14 year-old tredge through that tunnel.
At this point, I've been brought to remembrance Paul and his thorn in the fresh. I try to rationalise, and the only reason I could think of is this. If I had gotten my way, my pride would have exploded. This one thing which I have almost no control over, it remains that one thing which constantly (or not) pointed me toward God. It kept me humble, and it kept me rooted, albeit all the frustrations and even shame; albeit the sense of hypocrisy; albeit the irksome reaction each time the word "purity" is muttered. All of these had helped me hold my ground.
With pain in the eyes as I watched films like "Nefarious", with ache in my heart as I engaged in conversations with brothers who self-justified their support for promiscuity, and yet behind closed doors that sinful appetite consumed my whole being. This tension kept me on my toes- by my own strength, I'm probably never going to attain holiness. At least now even as God remains silent, I will continue to try. I am tempted to declare hereby that my affiliation with the shame ends here, but I acknowledge, that in the journey ahead I'm in good hands. What the world has meant for evil, God will turn it around to preserve His people.
Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God.
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