I have my ideals, but I do not feel capable achieving them. It is not an ego issue, neither is it a confidence issue. Frankly I do not know what issue it is, but I do feel the constant tension. The fire that burns within me is not stove fire nor campfire; it's like a furnace fire that burns strongly, but quickly. Things that I want to do, aspire to do, plan to do; I quickly become skeptical. Some commented that perhaps I minded others too much; others commented about my belief system, or my inability to trust. And guess what, they are all not wrong.
I hate to admit them, because it makes me feel needy and weak. Like why am I always that one person who just can't seem to get his life together. One point, I term it being real, being human, being normal- but that point has to pass, and right now I am not even convinced myself anymore. Sometimes I feel dysfunctional- almost as if I'm on the verge of a depressive breakdown; other times I snap out of it quickly and laughed at my own foolishness.
I AM CONFUSED.
I'm losing faith in people, in situation, in myself, in the future that I envision, in the family etc.
But I find solace in a saving grace, so divine. That one source of strength and hope that remains constant. Even with all these, the general sensing continues to suck; I continue to struggle with life. Getting through the difficult phases of "not-bad-enough", and trying as best as possible to fish out that one or two point of positivity well-meaning people have been telling me about.
I'm probably seldom right, yet too prideful to concede. So my stance remains- if the day comes when I stop complaining, stop whining, start relating more casually, become more optimistic, become more hopeful, less stubborn, more humble, that moment- it has to be God who has come through. Because where I am now, the inertia to change is huge, I do not know how to change, where to begin, what to change. It has to be God.
But I find solace in a saving grace, so divine. That one source of strength and hope that remains constant. Even with all these, the general sensing continues to suck; I continue to struggle with life. Getting through the difficult phases of "not-bad-enough", and trying as best as possible to fish out that one or two point of positivity well-meaning people have been telling me about.
I'm probably seldom right, yet too prideful to concede. So my stance remains- if the day comes when I stop complaining, stop whining, start relating more casually, become more optimistic, become more hopeful, less stubborn, more humble, that moment- it has to be God who has come through. Because where I am now, the inertia to change is huge, I do not know how to change, where to begin, what to change. It has to be God.
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