I am Only Human

I'm a little reluctant to let my first few hours of the year get by without first journaling down some thoughts for the new year- call it a reflection for 2014 or a resolution for 2015 if you might, it doesn't really matter. 
Seriously?
Seriously. 

In typical fashion, 2014 felt like a roller coaster ride (which year isn't- *flips through the reflective post of the years gone by- 2013, 2012, 2011 and so on...)
So indeed, the roller coaster route wounded a few more loops than before- the low lower, and the high higher. Where has God been in all these? I would be lying if I said I had known for sure. Even right now, I have to practice a lot of faith to even utter a slight suggestion- there. Somewhere~

6 years of coming to Christ did not prepare me for a tough ride like this; at least not in the worldly typical sense. I would never have imagined myself saying things like "I hate church" or "God, take me home", when the exact same me was bathing in unworthy euphoria of the "spiritual high" just a few months prior. Things changed too quickly, much quicker that I could manage; almost to a point of hypocrisy- where is that consistency in my life?
I hated the notion of comfort Christian, the Holy Huddles as they were known, but my faith was severely tested, and I might just have become one of those- sad but true. 

AND THEN I REALIZE, lessons that I would later look upon as key turning points in my walk with Christ.


I learn that I am only human, and that is by far the greatest lesson I have learnt. 
It is one thing to talk about surrendering, and sugar-coat the whole "I am weak therefore He is strong" verse with notions such as "choosing joy" or "God is always in control". In fact this could easily be one of the cheapest talks in the Christian circle, because such Pseudo-christian terms had been so assimilated into the community- it is supposed to be the Christian norm. And when I fell out of the norm- I felt terrible (I felt un-Christian). 
We place a lot of emphasis upon our free will and how we live the life of Christians. Sounds legit, except that if I may ask: where is God in the picture?
When I am depressed, if all I had to do is to change my perspective and control my emotions, where does that leave God? Non-believers and secular science have a term for it: we call it "self-talk". In the year of 2014, I did a self-assessed inventory and suspected myself to perhaps have exhibited symptoms of severe depression. First hand experience tells me that in times like these, you simply do not just simply choose. You can't. 
Another time I had a conversation whereby I sent a friend a greeting to which was replied with "I am fine". I got a bit worked up and sent a quick closure to that conversation- if all your life "choosing joy" is your only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit life threw at you, then perhaps life has not been bad enough for us to need God. 
When really bad things happen- the losing of loved ones, the complication of a promising career, the shaking of financial security, the breaking of cherished relationships, broken promises, betrayal, abandonment- choosing joy becomes tough work, near impossibility. God has to intervene, God has to come through, God has to keep us there. Throughout the entire process, God is active; us, contrary to common notion of choosing joy, would be too exhausted and maxed out to even try. An active God keeps and preserves the passive us. I am only human never felt this real before, and that changed me. However many times of relying on God, trusting in God, following God in our services unto Him, the pride of humanity always yearns for a huge need of control to be satisfied. 
"We are not the Savior/Messiah!" Those who have been through would wearily shout, but so many fell on deaf ears. I am only human does not highlight an extraordinary level of spirituality that attribute our surrendering to a personal trait of righteousness or faithfulness; I am only human is a prayer of desperation to say that God I really can't and only You can. 

In a year whereby I graduated from university and officially entered the workforce; in that same year whereby I joined a NPO on an official basis; in the year whereby many life priorities changed; in that same year whereby I so often felt lost, stuck and being in the wrong place; if I were to choose; I choose to be human. Not indulgence, but surrender. 

Exodus: Gods and Kings- I Find it Biblical

Perhaps Noah has already set the tone for all the subsequent renditions of the Bible's stories by Hollywood- one that would be met with a dearth of receptivity. Put up as one of the mega productions of the year; and lauded as one of the major breakthroughs for modern Christianity, news of a series of blockbuster films lined up for screening for the year of 2014 gave many reasons to be excited about. However, that kind of optimism did not last. In March when Noah first went on screen, the film was met with much criticism, forcing the director to make the declaration that Noah was probably the most unbiblical film any secular team has produced. From then on, Christian films have been looked (frowned) upon with lens of skepticism. Bible story so they say, but is it really so?

When Exodus came out, I was excited. How does a Moses played by Christian Bale sound? I wasn't expecting a perfect rendition of the famous second book of the Holy Book, but I was keen to see what this film holds nevertheless. Much like Peter Jackson's rendition of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit which injected personal insights into the exciting adventures of the veteran with and breathed new life to an otherwise complete imagined dimension/world, I was excited to see a different Exodus.

Compared to Noah, Exodus went by a lot more quietly, and I thought that was a good sign, only for the undercurrent to surface much more gradually, eventually. Details that contradicted with the depictions in the Bible called into question the credibility of such a film- where did crocodiles feature, how to reconcile a child-God, where is the staff that turns into snake, how did Moses climb up Mount Sinai, how were Moses's encounters with God, when was Moses ever swept by the waves and so on... 

Yet, Charisma Magazine said it well- the film is never meant to replace the Word; and if anything Exodus should spark off much interest to read the bible. Despite all the controversies, I actually quite like the film. In fact, I find it rather biblical. Exodus asked many difficult questions that the average Christians would otherwise have taken granted for. 

Visceral does not speak; it implies. And how we imply varies from who is implying.

This is one of the early scenes in the film whereby Moses and his brother Ramesses, who would later become the Pharaoh of the Exodus, stood before the old pharaoh as he sought divine guidance on an upcoming war. He asked the priest what the visceral says, to which she answered the visceral does not speak, but it is available for interpretation, and the that varies according to who makes it. 

Divinity apart, this reminds me of how we read the bible today. That which is acceptable and that which is tabooed; that which is Godly and that which is defiling, all but summed up nicely in the Gospel when Jesus healed on a Sabbath. To which Jesus asked a rhetorical question, "is the Sabbath made for man or man for Sabbath?" 

While the bible speaks, the freedom to interpret it has stirred up much discussion about what it actually says, sometimes bringing about an out-of-proportion need to contextualize. "The visceral is unclear, but one thing is clear." Perhaps there are some revelations that has been deliberately revealed more clearly than the other- nothing else matters when we don't have love.

Would you rather believe in prophecies and divination and forsake logic?

This is the modern day's bane. Egypt at its peak created a false sense of superiority- men began to find answers to many things, and men began to put faith in themselves. Logic, or so they called it, became the pillar for explanation. Human defined what is possible, and what is not; and explain away the impossible by twisting the established possible. It's too philosophical to go around these- but if anything, Exodus provided an obvious answer to that question: a resounding yes. 

Do you know what you sound like?

Delusional?

After Moses's (controversial) encounter with I AM, Moses awoke from a state of shock, hyperventilation, excitement, confusion or whatever state you perceive Christian Bale to be portraying. Zipporah sat by the bedside to pacify a shocked Moses and asked him that question. In an unexpected trait of clarity, Moses suggested, "delusional?" 

At this point, the audience would have sided with Moses to say that he definitely was not, but translating to the real world context, we probably have had our fair share of Zipporah coming around. Christians who are too serious about their faith, radical Christians who do the unthinkable, people (both non-believing and believing, unfortunately) come about to cast doubts upon our convictions, and deep within we are well clear about what they think of us- delusional. 

To which I say, fret not- remember and know that we are not, for God is real.

You did not meet God; God is not a child.

This is by far one of the most controversial parts in the film, and I applaud Ridley Scott's boldness in doing this. The conservatives caught this and cries of blasphemy rang through the theatre, much like how the Jews responded to Jesus's claim of being the Son of Man. By this, I'm not saying that portraying God as a child is correct. But by skillfully inserting this dialog between Moses and Zipporah into the plot, Ridley successfully created a point of discussion for its viewers, or at least for those who bothered to give a thought rather than seal its fate. 

This is also by far the point I most strongly contend for. 

Who amongst us have seen God's face except for those who have been extended the grace of God? Many of us, like Zipporah, have heard of and even read about God, and we claim to know God, but when God comes in the most unexpected of ways, we are quick to dismiss Him- "God is not a child." Well, in the film He is. 

Today we have many of our own projections- prophecies, visions, and even the times when we claim to have heard from Him. And these are quickly accepted for one reason or the other, yet a child-God has to be quickly dismissed. If God spoke through a donkey, and if God spoke through formless flames, can a child-God not be? Once again, I'm not saying that God is a child. What I am saying is like the Visceral section above- God is a personal God. To Moses in the film, I AM is indeed a child.

Why did you take me from my family?

I did not. You chose to.

This is the painful part for many who choose to follow God. Today many people ask the question- where does God call me to go- but they forget that in Isaiah 6:8, it was Isaiah who took up the responsibility personally and responded "here I am, send me". We act as if we don't have a choice, and we act as if we could only live in obedience. 

In moments of frustration, we have the tendency to push the blame to God, forgetting the initial convictions. I AM need a general, but the general may not be you; I AM asked if I care about my own people; I AM spoke. But I chose to respond because I became convicted of the purpose, I saw my role in the bigger plan, I resonated with the cause. I just needed to be reminded.

You mean You do not need me?

Perhaps I don't.

Another big area of today's Christian scene where zealous people take it upon themselves. Like Moses, we heard from God, derived our own plans and put them into execution, expecting immediate results. Presumptuous rashness says that we just need a reason or a vision (出师有名), and we will derive our own means. God, this is our plan, bless it.

This is especially so when we overhype spiritual gifting such as worship, leadership, stewardship etc. Moses had leadership, he was a skilled warrior, trained militant, proficient strategist, sharp schemer etc, and he knew it. So he stuck to his familiar ways and God came and told him, I AM waiting to see you fail. To which Moses asked the all famous question: You don't need me, do You?

Perhaps I don't.
Then what do I do now?
For now- just watch. 

What kind of God do you worship- one that murders children?

None of the Hebrews child died last night.

This is one of the hardest questions to debate. In the film, Moses himself struggled and commented, "initially I was impressed, but not anymore. If this goes on, both sides will suffer. Who are You punishing exactly?" This is one of the times Moses could not agree with God about, and I think beyond the superficiality of cruelty and inhumanity, there is great depth in all these. The blathering kid-God to portray the wrath of God was something new to me though. 

I notice that You don't agree with me all the times.

Isn't that true for all of us. We always thought we know better, even for a person like Moses. Today churches like to laud great biblical heroes for their faith, but Exodus portrayed a more mortal Moses- a human being much like the rest of us. This isn't the great wise white-bearded spiritual leader of the Hebrews; this isn't even the hyper spiritual man who sought God all the way. On the other hand, this is a man who like many of us, doubted, faulted, even tried to play God, but throughout the whole journey was continually being humbled and molded by God. The leader candidate would fall, but the stone would stay forever. In the final few scenes, we saw the intimacy between Moses and the child-God. The friend of God in the Bible was depicted in a cave setting where Moses was carving what seems like the 10 commandments. Moses said, "I wouldn't have done it if I do not agree with You." To which the child-God responded, "I notice that You don't agree with me all the times." 

Who does?

We get to choose- this way or that way.

This isn't a dialog per se. When Joshua, son of Nun, questioned Moses- where does God say we should go, Moses, convinced by his own military expertise, used God's name to direct the Israelites to the mountains. 

How often the hyper-spiritual uses God to get the quickest and easiest way out?  God says this, God says that. In the film, we also saw the grace of God when Moses finally submitted and conceded, "I am lost. I do not know where I am. I have left my family. I have let You down." Then, God made a way and rescued us. The humbling process was between him and God, and God did not let Moses lose credibility in front of His people.

From You do not wish to help me and You do not wish to help them, to do not be afraid for God is with us.

The cartoon Prince of Egypt has created a false impression that the parting of Red Sea has to be majestic, so when I first heard how gradual this entire process was, I was a little skeptical. That was until I watched this Exodus, and I thought it was very legit. 

At that point in time, the child-God was already very absent, and Moses felt abandoned. From someone who did not believe in divinity and someone who rather leave things to chances and coincidences, at this point in time, meteorological changes and environmental changes have taken a turn and become signs of the omnipresent God. Contrast with the Pharaoh's trusted scientist who persistently, trying-too-hard-ly found scientific explanations to justify all the things of God, (a position Moses himself must have been all too familiar with in his early days), we see a transformation of character. 

When Moses declared confidently, "do not be afraid, for God is with us." He's no longer the Moses of old. 

Exodus was never meant to replace the bible. When so much concerns were raised amongst the Christian community, within myself surfaces a question: how does viewing this Exodus change our perception of who this God is- details aside?

Stuck

Many went through a lousy stint in life and they lamented that they had no choice, but in actuality they had made a bad choice from the onset but was unwilling to be responsible for the consequence that entailed. I blame the company for not presenting full view the fine prints; I blame the system for "conning" the young and naive; I blame the environment for not helping me to become more informed; I blame family and friends who failed to come along to advise; I blame God for allowing what had happened to happen. Yes, that is me; and probably also many who might be feeling stuck where they are.

What do you do when you feel stuck. I have had friends who paid off their bonds and started life anew, except that given my family background, that option is entirely out of the picture for me. Furthermore, I do feel like I needed to face that consequence instead of running away from it. 

It's been a terrible 4 years, and I literally feel myself wasting away, consumed by that immense amount of pressure and grievances. Many times I felt like buckling under that weight, but so what if I really did? In my society, emotional background hardly warrants a second look of compassion or pity from any established organization. Feeling sad? Get on with work. Even the passing of a loved one would only warrant a few days of pathetic leave. So I trudged on, every week dragging the battered body across the 1730 of every Friday, then my dying body gets slightly rejuvenated. I live 2 out of the 7 days in a typical week, with the remaining 5 fulfilling responsibilities rather than genuinely living. So what- every typical piece of inspirational essay seems to have a resolution planned and weaved into the perfect moment they term the climax to draw applause- I don't. I don't have a resolution. I continue to struggle. I continue to loathe. I continue to envy the likes of Josh McDowell and George Mueller who found an escapade from their respective military obligations. I continue to wander- when and how am I going to fulfill this obligation. 

And then I could only surrender. 
I could only commit.
I could only strive to continue to not just survive, but to thrive.
I could only continue to lean.
I probably don't understand why, but I think I know God. 
So it's only a matter of years when I finally gain hindsight, then maybe I would be thankful.

So Much More

The greatest hindrance to progression is an assumption that we already know it all. Kris Vallotton once used a very apt analogy of a lost coin- no one in the right frame of mind would continue to look for the lost coin if they have already found it- how true. Therefore, it is of utmost personal importance to make an intentional commitment to assume that I do not yet know, and even when I do, assume that there is more to it than what I already have. If the aforementioned assumption is the biggest hindrance, the next on the list has to be the assumption that the current state is acceptable. Being comfortable where we are proves to be the biggest inertia for us to move forward- going beyond the Christian circle and we know the same has to be said in all walks of life - A complacent football professional may never reach his full potential if he stops working hard; a student would not perform as well as he would have if he stops at where he began. We continually build upon what we have.

Likewise, the same is true of our walk with God, our knowledge of His Word, and our perception of who God is. While the Kingdom is meant for the little children and we ought to trust with childlike faith, and while we are all children of God in broad strokes, perhaps it helps if we take some minor steps to slow down, assess, and reflect, what does it mean when the Bible made explicit mentions in the books of Isaiah, Job and Psalm about no one being capable of fathoming the understanding, greatness, mysteries and depth of God. Even those, pardon me, I think are only minor revealed aspects of God, with much more yet to be discovered.

Imagine with me the Cherubim in Revelation 4:8 and Isaiah 6:3 exclaiming “Holy, Holy, Holy” as they flew around in the presence of God for not just a day, a week, or even a year, but forever. I have to admit that this remains one of the most peculiar images that I have much difficulties grappling with, perhaps because I have never and would never encounter any object, which amazes me beyond duration of a few hours. None can fathom, indeed. Yet, one of the most common, and probably one of the most stifling approaches to address such unease in the Christian community comes in the form of smoothening out the peculiar portion of the message. Sometimes we classify them as analogies, other times we merely do away with the notion of “not literal”, yet more frequent, we give selective emphasis and leave out specific aspects of His Word. Once again, the moment we think we know, we stop exploring deeper. By having the wrong conclusion puts us into a false state of comfort, and a pseudo state of rightness. Sometimes we move on to other areas, other times we are pretty happy to stay where we are.

Over time, we get an end state of the birth of many warped theologies. That is why Matthew 7 teaches us about the importance of a sure and solid foundation. The only way to stand firm is to establish our house on solid bedrocks, but can I also suggest that this is not a dichotomy? Bedrock is supposed to be one solid piece. While sand erodes with heavy rain, how many of us are actually aware that a mixture of fine rocks and sand is the worst kind of foundation one can have simply because when the erosion takes place, the bigger pieces are left to strike against the pillars and then damaging them.

Christianity is not finding a balance such that we get the best of both worlds. In fact right through the whole collection of books, countless times has it been made clear to us that the path is narrow and few would enter. It is easy only because all we have to do is to rely on the grace given to us- that is the only way anyways. Yet it is not simple, henceforth the existence of theologies, debates, denominations etc., because…

Matthew 6:33

Matthew 6:33

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."

See, this is a well-memorized verse, well-spoken, well-quoted, well-used, but when it comes to real application, how many of us can truly thump our chest and declare with confidence, that I've sought first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and as a result I have received the promises that have been added unto me. Who, in all honesty and the depth of his heart, can really really confidently say that?

Not me...

The oneness of goal should give us breather, space and room to lead wholesome life. After all, He did mention that His yoke is light. Yet, many struggle under the heavy burden of various sources- expectations to uphold the spirit of excellence, undertaking of responsibilities bigger than what we have been intended for, over-driving good works in the name of doing our best, unwillingness to surrender, failure to keep God in the midst of our plans. Many are the plans in the hearts of men, but it is His purpose that ultimately prevails. 
Kingdom of God denotes submission to His Lordship, His righteousness denotes acknowledging His standard. This is a way of life, an attitude; not a complicated, unattainable state of ideal. That is why the entailing verse speaks of our response: "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has it own worries."
We relinquish control, we find our reliance upon Him and Him alone- then we learn to trust, and then we grow in our intimacy with Him. 

23 October 2014:
100 Push-ups

24 October 2014:
3km rope run
5.7km jog

#helpmetohelpothers

Help Me to Help Others

Help Me to Help Others

Today kickstarts my weight loss program. 

I have been very vexed up for the past few weeks. How do you raise awareness, and even raise support for someone so invisible? Right now, I'm volunteering at Radion International, which in essence reaches out to a minority hilltribe- the Hmong people- in Khek Noi Phetchabun, Thailand. 

Needless to elaborate, few of my countrymen would have heard about this ethnic group, much less is aware of their needs, their situation, and their life struggles. 

Being rather heavily reliant on support from Singapore, that posted a huge challenge for me to surmount. How to make the Hmong people relevant? Once in a while, we could perhaps bring back a few rescue stories of the utmost intensity to spur a spike of interest or curiosity, and stir up emotional burdens, and "guilt-trip" people into wanting to do something for them- but frankly, that is not quite sustainable. 2 months down the road, people forget, and Hmong people quickly fades away into the distant memory. The same could even be said of some of who have gone on a personal trip up the mountains- returning to Singapore was a return to "reality".

So while I was exercising this morning, I suddenly had an eureka moment. If I can't draw direct relevance, surely I can do something about an indirect one. Hence, came forth this initiative: Help Me to Help Others. 

I embark on a weight loss program today, having recognized my own health problem. I'm slightly overweight at 76kg, and since 2 years back had been alarmed about my blood pressure being on the slight high side. Yet, I've been struggling to find the consistency to sustain a healthy lifestyle. So I couple the weight loss program with the fundraising, as a form of motivation and a greater cause to fight for. 

For every 1 kg shed, a committed donor will donate a dollar to the cause. That would add up to a maximum of 6SGD at the end of the year. What one loses is perhaps a cup of starbucks coffee, or a movie ticket; but what one gains is this: a healthier and perhaps more handsome friend, and of course a contribution to the much bigger cause in the form of an accommodation for the kids in the mountain. 
This way, I am a beneficiary myself, and people who care for me can take heart because if I manage to live that extra few years, it is because of your support. Also, the benefits would be mutual, because Radion becomes my motivation to do good for myself. Even if Hmong remains invisible, I become visible, and I become the representation and reminder of the Hmong people to my countrymen. 

Of course, I have many other possible pledging opportunities such as 1SGD for every 1km ran, 1 SGD for every 100 push-ups done, 1 SGD for every 500m swim etc. And of course, if anyone subscribes to the cause, he/she is also feel free to contact me at judan.koh@radion-international.org to pledge an one-off donation of sorts. 

Bring back to healthy me!

I will be providing a weekly report on my weight loss program.

Stay tune :)

22 October exercise program:

2km run

100 floors climb

150 push-ups