Reflection about Grace

Grace is getting what we do not deserve; mercy is withholding what we deserve, so they say. 

Grace is not holding against you. Grace has nothing to do with just forgiveness. Grace is costly. In light of justice, wrong has to be righted. So in light of a just God, grace is served. It is not just a decision to forgive. It is "I take on your debt and settle it for you"; so it costs Me much- I had to give My Son; but the gracious Me deemed that necessary and appropriate by My standards. As such, we understand it when Paul says, by no means should we continue sinning because of grace; but knowing God's grace transforms us from the inside out. God's grace is self-sacrificial; God's grace is costly. Debt is wiped only because it is paid. 

So when we say we show and demonstrate grace, it goes beyond a personal decision. It is a deliberate intent to lose some in order to gain some -losing in the form of denial of rights; losing in the form of forfeiting the need to be right; losing in the form of taking the place of wrong; losing in the form of paying. And then, all in exchange of the one and only thing of worth (in God's eyes)- souls. 
So, grace is beyond withholding what you deserve, and grace is beyond getting what you do not deserve. Grace only because God takes the place of receiving what we deserve; grace only because the truly deserving One stepped into the gap and paid the price. 
Therefore, how can there be room for cheap grace? Grace of value; the huge price tabled. So, do not behave like a spoilt brat and live a life of "after all it has been paid for already," but grow up in maturity to know that "it cost much; it must be precious; I must cherish."

The Things We Don't Usually Hear About

2 weekends ago, a team went to Tanjong Pinang and conducted a first-ever adventure camp for an orphanage.  I was told to share about the camp, but what about? We have pulled it off like many other events did before, and the camp definitely left a sweet aftertaste to have had that opportunity to partner God and to do something good. So when I was told to share, I wondered, apart from the typical things, what did God want to convey to the congregation through the Tanjong Pinang ministry.

Coincidentally a week ago, I got a Facebook notification showing this photo. Facebook told me that it’s been 4 years since it has been taken. I have lost track, but 4 years is a long time, and the ministry which I’ve first joined back in 2011 has undergone much changes, and many more challenges.

Most of the time the journey was filled with doubts because frankly, fruits were few and far between. Every year we meet to discuss the way forward, I always asked, what’s the point? Being the impatient me, I wanted to do something more dramatic, more promising, and basically bigger, but each year went by like a meandering stream. I went through short periods of exile lasting up to half a year, but always got drawn back to this ministry. Over the years, we saw all kinds of servers- people who came to see-see-look-look, people who came to “gain experiences”, people who came to “contribute” etc. 4 years went by, many people joined and many people left, but the few who stayed were not the most qualified by any measures.

Over the 4 years, I’ve taken away much, and the one lesson that tops it off is this: God’s will and its fulfillment do not and will never rely on men. Regardless of the presence or absence of good plans, good people, good talents, or even good intentions, God is the only One who is capable of bringing to fruition His good plans for humanity. So 3 years back we’ve had an outdoor activity for Sonshine kids; 2 years ago we’ve had a Christmas evangelistic program; last year we’ve had a barbecue fellowship, and this year an adventure camp for the children from the orphanage. If God were to be taken out of any of the abovementioned, none of these that we’ve been a part of would have been fulfilled.

Yet, even in the difficult times, when long planning and hard works were put into place, and yet results do not show, we’ve learnt the bittersweet. About half a year ago, we conducted a parenting talk, and the turnout was a miserable 4 or 5 mothers. These are the things on the field which we do not hear about, because the lauding crowd loves successful story. Yet, at the point of writing, countless missionaries had to be evicted from Great Britain because their licenses were being revoked. And in view of these, it’s easy to question God if perhaps we might have heard wrongly; or that if this is an indication from God for a closed door.

I will not hesitate to tell you, in my 4 years of serving on the field, countless times I’ve talked to my sister about the ministry. If a good tree bears good fruits, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruits, then does not seeing fruits definitely mean that the efforts, time and money we have sown were in vain? Martha Myers and Jim Elliot were respectively killed on the very mission fields they were sent to, Adoniram Judson was first denied access to India; and then waited for 6 long years before he had the joy to lead someone to Christ in Burma. God’s timing is not the way we understand things to be, neither is His way.

At the beginning of this year when I proposed to hold a camp for the orphanage, with every good intention of wanting to equip the group of local youths whom we have been walking alongside for 2 years, I was only hoping that these youths would understand why we were doing what we did, month in month out. I was hoping to inspire a small group of youths to step up in their walk with God to become the light in this part of the world. So we went about sounding out that possibility.

Months went by, and there were a lot more dread than anything else because it was taking up so much from all of us. We were exhausted and expanded, in terms of energy and time. So if I were to tell you about how faithful or how committed the team had been, I would have been lying. We were a bunch of disgruntled servers, and my favorites words during this period were “I’ll never do this again”. 

Coming through this, I remain thankful to these very people who stuck by, disgruntled or not. Amongst the 5 youths, only 3 came, but God brought into our midst 6 others from a local church. Even when we realized that we overestimated our planning midway through the program; even when I wandered halfway if apart from fun, joy and laughter, the kids were even getting the message that I was trying to convey. See, it takes a lot of conviction, and I could not even muster faith the size of a mustard seed in those moments. God was the One who remained faithful through it all, and all we did was to continually doubt, question and then lean onto God, while moving things along.

See. It’s tough works. We continue to sow seeds, and before the seeds bear fruits, John 12:24 says the seeds first fall to the ground and die before it can bear much fruits. It is never self-serving, and if we say we are stewarding God’s people, we don’t pick and drop them as and when it is convenient to do so. Therefore, I invite you to come along with us on this journey with Christ, to continue to trust Him and lay before Him the little that we have.

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God.

My sister poked a friendly jibe at me as I whined for the umpteenth times about me wanting to write but not being able to get down to it. It is true, I haven't had quite a writing drought like this, except that I no longer wish to blare my thoughts the way I used to. So while my brain continued to work tirelessly to generate thoughts of all sorts, I struggled big time getting down to penning them down. Woes to me, indeed, woes to me.

Today, there are some things of noteworthy. The message preached was a refreshing one, teaching me about correction in love and gentleness. It was in the same vein that I'd craft my slant to the issue, but it was so much more palatable and filled with so much more wisdom. In contrast to what I have had just a few weeks before, it put me to shame the sheer amount of pride, arrogance and self-righteousness I've self-righteously felt as I embarked on a marauding march to confront the "bigger evil".  Bigger because I've gotten the more obvious parts of my life right... Let's not talk about those that people don't see... Anyway, surely they are guilty of a bigger evil. I know it's not biblical to even give a hint of that, and man, I knew it was not right, but life moves along right? Or so I thought. 

In life, you either make things happen, let things happen, or prevent things from happening, but God's destiny for our lives continue to unfold. Perhaps the only difference is the part of whether we choose to play. And these things that happen- it'd be most ideal to think of it as the big movements, those that the passionate activists poured their sweat and blood into. Yes, you know the likes of Jim Elliot, Malala, Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama. Yea, you get my drift. But what if I had told you that these "things" start small? Our tendencies to be late for example; or a perpetual disgust toward vegetables; or the much less talk about addictions to say, pornography? Chinese has a saying that we cultivate the self, then we are able to manage our family, and then we are able to rule a country, and then we will conquer the world. Crux of it all- you start small, and you start from the self. Wisdom right there~ So when the speaker echoed Romans 6:2 to confront the a sinning believer, it felt like she was speaking to me. Or rather, it felt like God was speaking to me. "How can you say you are a believer on one hand and yet continue to indulge yourself in sins and feed your appetite for your addiction- pornography?" Yes, I am guilty and the struggle is real. I must concede the immediate response was a defensive one- "it's easy for you to say, but you have no idea how difficult it is!" 

For a large part of my sensible years, I've not been the most sensible. To be exact, it's been almost 14 years. During this period, I came through a season of fear constantly afraid that I might grow up into a sex maniac; I've also came through a period of nonchalance; I came through a season of seeking help (I shared readily in cell, but the other guys never seemed comfortable enough to deal with my honest struggles); I also came through a period of creating milestones to mark my crossover (I will get baptised, and it shall stop there; I will get through my first year as a Christian, and I will move on; I will go for this conference and I will break free from these chains; I will kneel and bow at the cross and repent and I shall be delivered; I will... The attempts went on, but the attempts were futile); I came through a season of looking for replacements and I had short sustained periods of success (when I was in relationships, but each time a relationship ended, the success followed). 14 years were reasonably long- so long that this addiction has almost became a part of me as a being, I no longer recall how it was like before I got crept on. So to hear it like this for the first time after 14 years sparked a lot of things. Within I was perhaps crying, "God, I've tried all means. I've prayed. I've asked. I've pleaded. I knew I couldn't rely on myself. So WHY? Why did you not come through? HOW ELSE?" 

For half a year, I've set my goals, that by the end of 2015, I was so going to be the conqueror of such a struggle, and I was so going to share about this wonderful testimony to encourage and perhaps finally empathise with fellow strugglers in our midst. I mean, shameful things like these are not usually talked about- they are tabooed you know. It was going to be so hope-inspiring, except that all these were part of an ideal- one that looked to be of God, but God was never really in the picture. How often do we do this non-God-Godly-things? I say, often. So half a year on, and I continue to struggle, with no seemingly end to my 14 year-old tredge through that tunnel. 

At this point, I've been brought to remembrance Paul and his thorn in the fresh. I try to rationalise, and the only reason I could think of is this. If I had gotten my way, my pride would have exploded. This one thing which I have almost no control over, it remains that one thing which constantly (or not) pointed me toward God. It kept me humble, and it kept me rooted, albeit all the frustrations and even shame; albeit the sense of hypocrisy; albeit the irksome reaction each time the word "purity" is muttered. All of these had helped me hold my ground. 

With pain in the eyes as I watched films like "Nefarious", with ache in my heart as I engaged in conversations with brothers who self-justified their support for promiscuity, and yet behind closed doors that sinful appetite consumed my whole being. This tension kept me on my toes- by my own strength, I'm probably never going to attain holiness. At least now even as God remains silent, I will continue to try. I am tempted to declare hereby that my affiliation with the shame ends here, but I acknowledge, that in the journey ahead I'm in good hands. What the world has meant for evil, God will turn it around to preserve His people. 

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God. 

Important Things

See, I came back from a meeting today that discussed about things. That is what meetings are about- we discuss about many things. Lots of talking- mostly genuine concerns; others skepticism, and perhaps yet others, undue worries. But we talk, nevertheless. Isn't that what a good organization does- freedom of speech, and the obligation to listen. Duh~

Then there are the important things. We spend way longer, much more resources, much more deliberation discussing about these important things. Sometimes these things are measured in magnitude- the amount of money involved, the number of people involved, the scale of planning etc; other times, we inject personal importance- a friend is perhaps more important than a distant someone.. 

In any case, we talk a lot. 

But that's besides the point. 

Importance.

What is important? 
To an accountant, presenting accounts and getting the document in place to tide through a smooth auditing process may be important. 
To a striving young man, saving up for a comfortable retiree's life may be important. 
To a budding family, ensuring a child's competitiveness in the society may be important. 
To a friend, preserving peace may be important.
To a superior, creating a well-oiled system to churn out good productivity may be important.
But what if... What if an individual is an accountant, a striving young man, part of a budding family, a friend, and a superior all at the same time. 

Genuine concerns remain genuine, then I guess we have to take a pick. 
On the one hand we have administrative concerns, on the other we have life and death threading on a thin line. The choice is obvious, but that is what dehumanising does to our judgment. 
Re-contextualize a little, perhaps it helps to ask ourselves. Is saving for a comfortable living/for the unexpected events in life more important than the immediate needs for funds to aid desperate causes like human trafficking, disaster relief, poverty, hunger etc. 

Even if~

There is deep beauty in Daniel 3:18. "Even if He does not, we will not accede to your command which contradicted that of what our God has told us." How many of us pray this way? What is expectancy in prayers when we have no submission in following? One gives birth to the other, so much so that the wrong kind of expectancy- one that births out of non-submission, the wrong kind of relationship- leads to disappointment. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. Perhaps that age old wisdom rings true in light of this understanding. 

Expectancy, when expressed via mere wilfulness instead of genuine faith, kills rather than gives hope. 

Hope to the Hopeless

What calls for greater celebration than the returning of a wretched child; what calls for more rejoicing than the bucking up of a wasted man? That, is only human. I take my faith seriously. So those sentiments apply also, to every spiritual revival and every eternal salvation. 

I thank my God deeply each time I hear an encouraging story about you. 

Yet, I am not talking about the explicit loss in wander expressed by the best worship performers, nor am I referring to the devoted followers of the biggest crowd-drawing conferences/concerts in town. I am talking about an inward transformation- call it alignment if you might- that changes one's outlook of life. It is about the returning of the throne of life to the Lord of life; it is about repositioning the self in view of the bigger plan; it is about the shaking up of priorities in eternal perspectives. Implicitly, that also means lots of discomfort, lots of disappointments, lots of anger, lots of frustration even; simply because we live in a fallen world. 

So hopelessness is very real. The closer you are to God, the more real that sentiment becomes. I love my God, but the body is nowhere near that. Sometimes expectations make living in a Christian community much harder than it really is. "I thought you are a Christian, but why..." 

I came through that, and I came close to leaving church, leaving friends, leaving the community altogether more than once. Oh come on, stop going on and on about church-hopping... I'm not. I am talking about dealing with hopelessness.

What happens when you see no way out; what happens when we seem like we are heading into a dead dead end; what happens if what your church does looks like nothing that resembles the church of Acts; what if you know you are right and no one listens...

Quitting is one option; running away the easy way out; but don't ever let it become the default pattern in your life. There is a prayer that is very lacking in today's society- the one that the friends of Daniel prayed in Daniel 3:18, "even if He doesn't." This is a prayer severely absent in today's society; and we forget that when we live for God, we stop living for ourselves, and it is Christ who lives in me. There is a reason why God puts you where you are, and the age-old wisdom continues to stand "be the change you want to see". Be like those friends, keep trying, keep attempting to make a difference, in the name of honouring God and bettering the Body, keep going. 

Don't give up hope. Don't give up. Don't ever ever give up. For, here comes the Truth, our hope is not in the betterment of situation nor circumstance- even if healing doesn't come; even if the society becomes worse; even if we get persecuted; even if my loved ones do not survive; even if.... I stand steadfast to my God, BECAUSE my hope is in my Maker. 

Conviction

Some came to do the job;

Some found a personal conviction;

Some discover a greater cause.

The same job as it stands, represents a wide spectrum of possibilities. 

I choose to leave my mark this way, aligning it with the priorities of my life and what is important to me. 

Thoughts, June 2015

What is conviction when it shifts as the shoreline shifts with every crashing of the waves? 

My heart stirs for missions; I go around telling people I got my call for missions before I gave my life to Christ; my entire being yearns to dive into missions. But where I am now, I have to wait. My current career promises a lot, especially for a heartland boy like myself without much family asset. This career represents an opportunity to climb up the social ladder and have a break into the medium-high income. So naturally, well-meaning people came around to advise, encourage, and persuade me to reconsider. That is the problem today; anything that hinges on practicality and promises stability would get the nod ahead of any other options, supposedly the more risky ones, and going into missions puts you on the wrong end in terms of the level of acceptance for the risk involved. 

To make this waiting time slightly more bearable and to help me quickly overlook the sentiment of being stuck, I had to give these advice the benefit of doubt. Say if they are really not that bad... And they really aren't. In fact, it is just only recently that I discovered something about the job that I might like, and for the first time in these many years that I really considered the possibility of staying. This can only be good, can't it? That'd mean less dread, more purpose, and surely these would translate into motivation. Except that the initial conviction always came back at me. How deep have I trusted? And have I been delaying my decision due to my lack of faith, or sacrifice? The cost to count- where is God in the picture. 

And then the turmoil settles. In the end, when I finally go into it, I can only say, "you know, I wouldn't have been able to do it myself because humanly the propensity to sway is just too huge; and the dedication to the cross too weak. God kept me there, and therefore here I am to share in His glory." Too often people glorifies the sacrifices made- how God wants the capable and young lads with a bright future to lay it all down and follow Christ, and then these people became lauded as the Christian heroes of our time. I think that is why I like the Exodus movie because Moses, supposedly one of the biggest biblical giant, was portrayed as very human- so human that he was angry with God, and even questioned and doubted God. Then, it is privilege indeed, to be kept and partake in His glory. 

Therefore, conviction says I stand firm in good times and bad, because it is a pact, a covenant I've established with God.