Thursday, March 26, 2015

Yes, I am a First Generation Christian

"You must be a first generation Christian."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because normally, the first-generation Christians are the ones who are super passionate about their faith." "The second generation Christians are more cautious in their approach, and you may even label them as more laid-back."

Unfortunate. This is largely unfounded, and there are two major flaws to such a remark. Firstly, it normalises laid-backness; secondly, it creates a false ceiling, which in turn builds a false pattern. Lies~

Countless counts of biblical verses instruct the elders to teach and guide the youngsters, equipping them with the essential love, fear and knowledge of the Lord such that they do not turn to the left or right when they grow up. There is an inherent responsibility in becoming a Christian, one that goes beyond the self, one that goes beyond my generation. It is one that promotes the continuation and growth of the faith, inter generation and across generations.
We stand on the shoulder of spiritual giants down historical tracks, with their ceilings as our floor, as we receive our due portion and as God continues to reveal to the world the things of God. 

Therefore, the grief that comes along with every lost individual pains intensely. I look at youngsters who grow up in churches, and as they make the subsequent decision to call it quits- I have enough of church, I have enough of christians, I have enough of this faith that I can neither see nor feel, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF JESUS. 

Then it made me wonder. How have we been doing church, and if we have been doing it right. OUCH! 
It is then that the wisdom in the bible began to make sense. If you are neither hot not cold, I'll spit you out of my mouth. But why? If hot is the ideal, shouldn't lukewarm be at least slightly better than if there is a complete absence of heat? Yet, scripture says, He will spit the lukewarm out of His mouth. 
Apathy creates a false sense of alrightness. I don't commit major sin, so I'm a decent guy. Mission trips or ministries or anything that requires more than what is convenient is not for me. I'm just happy to be in the pew (when my schedule allows), and of course I'd embrace the Christian label. Of course, I believe in Jesus. Convenient Christians are fans more than followers, and fanfare is self-explanatory when it comes to the issue of commitment, dedication, sacrifices and counting of cost. 
Laid-blackness is not ok! It is not and should not be normal. Christianity isn't just about teaching you to be good. It is life transforming, community-changing, aspiration-inspiring. It embodies the notions of grace, mercy, love and faith. Take that! It's a real encounter with God that goes beyond the intellect, beyond imagination, beyond a rigid practice of religious law. It is an encounter with Christ. And older believers should always ensure the preservation of this aspect! If all these become real of our pursuit, our approach would have changed. 


Monday, March 23, 2015

I Won't Give Up On You

We have our fair share of hurts, frustrations and often we feel like just walking away. 

I don't care, what they are going to say~ 

It is painful business. Innately, we are created with a desire for betterment, to be discontented, to yearn for more. When we began to settle for less, therein produces a dissonance, a deep discomfort. Jealousy or "The field is always greener on the other side" syndrome, so I term it continues to baffle. It is a taboo; socially constructed to be a taboo- a sign of ungratefulness and greed. 
Yet, humanity continues to struggle; struggle to deal with the throbbing voice in the head, struggle to figure out if that is indeed all there is to life, struggle to wonder what could have been, struggle to fathom the what-ifs. Self-management was drawn in broad-strokes to push the blame to the individuals- the reason why you struggle is because you are weak, you have poor self-management, your value-system is flawed. It is discouraging, dampening, and difficult. 




3 times I entertained thoughts of quitting. I thought I have had enough. Leaving was the easier way out, but I did not want it to become a pattern in my life- to quit at every resistance, even though these ones were much more intense than before. Therefore, I stuck by. I complained a lot, but I stuck by. The social science people talk about "emitting negative energy". I embodied that notion, and my presence epitomised it. I complained, a lot, really. 

5 years on from the time I decided to stick by, I am glad that I did. 

1. 
Sticking by allowed forced me to grow. This was Newton's 3rd law lived out. A wise man once told me this of his philosophy: 


In life you have 3 buckets. 1 bucket represents the people whom you are dealing with, 1 the environment or the situation that we are in, and 1 yourself. You transfer the water between these buckets to attain the equilibrium that you so desire. The catch is that none of these 3 buckets are identical. It is easy desire to want to change the first 2, but the efforts required do not reciprocate. It is tough decision to change the 3rd, but at least the efforts required is in our hands. 

In going through difficult and windy routes, the arrival at the destination became a little more worthwhile. On top of that, the hindsight we gain at each reflective juncture could be very heartening too- to see how much we have grown (and matured).

2. Sticking by gives us the clarity of mind. Sticking by for a little while is akin to us entering a warm outdoor from an air-conditioned place- our glasses fog up before we could react, and it takes a while for us to see clearly again. Sticking by delays a rash decision (TO NOT JUST ACT) to pass a judgment. 
Our initial convictions can come strong and hard that they block out every other voice that entails. I couldn't worship in church for 3 weeks after coming back from a mission trip because the setup felt too hypocritical. First-world people with their silly first-world problems were laughable non-issues compared to the life-and-death, the struggle to make ends meet, the sacrifices and the desolations. So understandably, that was one of my 3 stints of wanting to leave, very very badly. Talking christianese irked me badly, and I withdrew. Yet I stuck by (not by my own strength because I genuinely wanted to leave, so I think God kept me there, by His grace).
Today, I continue to struggle with many of these self-righteous attitude of mine, because (admit it) there are many professed christians who are just pure annoying. So I shot myself in the leg when I said delay the rash decision to pass a judgment. Here is not the ideal platform to debate about the theological standpoint/definition for biblical "judgment". What I meant is this: we continue to be entitled to our own views, beliefs and every right to feel aggrieved, as per before. But I urge all of us to not put the nail on the coffin. That is to say, judge, inconclusively. It is in the blood of every bible-believing Christians to be hopeful; so to partner with hopelessness is... BAD, very bad
No matter how bad a situation is, the person we are dealing with is, the bleakness of the future is, a sight that is set upon the Lord would see possibility. Even in deaths, we see heaven. 
Countless times in history, God transformed the hearts of people like Matthew, Zacchaeus, and Paul. Paul himself said "Christ came to the world to save the sinners, amongst whom he is the worst". If God could change the worst sinner, then what more the annoying neighbour, colleague or even the churchgoer who sits beside us in the pew every Sunday?

3. Sticking by creates a grateful (gracious) heart. By acknowledging what is God's portion and what is our portion, we can let God be God. In first John, it is said that those who do not love their brothers who they can see cannot love God whom they do not see. There is deep wisdom in the emphasis of relationships with men. I suspect one of the main purposes is a mirror. By showing a little grace, we realize the vastness of the grace we have received from Him, and that makes us grateful. 

4. Sticking by builds relationship. When I look at how Jesus pursued Peter or how God pursued Jonah, I am greatly humbled. God being all-knowing, had every reason to feel wronged, frustrated and even aggrieved- I could totally imagine the number of face-palm moments if the narratives had been modernized. Yet, the pursuit was relentless. I believe it was also this relentlessness that deepened, touched and transformed. Proverbs 17:17 "a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." 
I don't mean we deny our humanity and transform into saints who don't get angry nor upset. I took time off from a friend of ten years due to some seemingly unresolvable conflict, and it was a good whole year of oblivion toward each other's life. Ideal being ideal, conflicts happen and sometimes it's just too painful to press on. But can I suggest, if it's not resolvable between the two, then at least resolve it within yourself- neutralize the anger. We don't have to be as intimate as we used to be, but the anger should not linger for too long. 
Know our friend as a fellow human, and extend that same kind of grace that we have received ourselves. 

5. Sticking by builds faith. Many times we give up because we look at the foreseeable future and conclude that it's not possible, at least humanly. Abraham hung onto the promise and received Isaac when he was 100 years old; Joshua persisted and finally saw the promised land after 40 years; David persisted in the cave and lived a precarious life for 16 years before ascending the throne. Many times when things become super tough, it becomes very difficult to continue trusting, especially when much is at stake- future, security, credibility, relationships etc. That is also when we have taken our eyes off whom we can trust. Sticking by is an ultimate form of surrender whereby we look all around us (360 degree left-right, front-back, up-down all dimensionally) and know that now I can't, so God has to come through. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

It has to be God

I have my ideals, but I do not feel capable achieving them. It is not an ego issue, neither is it a confidence issue. Frankly I do not know what issue it is, but I do feel the constant tension. The fire that burns within me is not stove fire nor campfire; it's like a furnace fire that burns strongly, but quickly. Things that I want to do, aspire to do, plan to do; I quickly become skeptical. Some commented that perhaps I minded others too much; others commented about my belief system, or my inability to trust. And guess what, they are all not wrong. 
I hate to admit them, because it makes me feel needy and weak. Like why am I always that one person who just can't seem to get his life together. One point, I term it being real, being human, being normal- but that point has to pass, and right now I am not even convinced myself anymore. Sometimes I feel dysfunctional- almost as if I'm on the verge of a depressive breakdown; other times I snap out of it quickly and laughed at my own foolishness. 
I AM CONFUSED. 
I'm losing faith in people, in situation, in myself, in the future that I envision, in the family etc. 
But I find solace in a saving grace, so divine. That one source of strength and hope that remains constant. Even with all these, the general sensing continues to suck; I continue to struggle with life. Getting through the difficult phases of "not-bad-enough", and trying as best as possible to fish out that one or two point of positivity well-meaning people have been telling me about. 
I'm probably seldom right, yet too prideful to concede. So my stance remains- if the day comes when I stop complaining, stop whining, start relating more casually, become more optimistic, become more hopeful, less stubborn, more humble, that moment- it has to be God who has come through. Because where I am now, the inertia to change is huge, I do not know how to change, where to begin, what to change. It has to be God. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

初衷

忙碌
生活里种种大小事
光吞
而苟且,
由于心思而遗弃
想不再追逐,志向欣然埋

可是你可得,十年前的忱;十年后的期望?
试着回想当时年少知的那多的也
是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。
心自自己了什么而活;
程中得到了多,失去了自己;
于茫然把生做了替
初衷值得再被寻获

格格不入,
都市里的一小人物;
百万人口中唯一的我;
不同而怯,
由于不平凡而放
想附上枷,理想封于心。

可是你可得,十年前的忱;十年后的期望?
试着回想当时年少知的那多的也
是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。
心自自己了什么而活;
程中得到了多,失去了自己;
于茫然把生做了替
初衷值得再被寻获

心麻木,
生命中那现实酷;
不如意不心的折磨;
失望而沮泄,
由于透心而抽离。
想触景情,抱成了包袱。

可是你可得,十年前的忱;十年后的期望?
试着回想当时年少知的那多的也
是初出社会没被玷污的那些美好憧憬。
心自自己了什么而活;
程中得到了多,失去了自己;
于茫然把生做了替
初衷值得再被寻获

This is an expression about Judah's sentiments toward life. In a state of exhaustion and perhaps disillusion, he reflected upon his own life and began to wonder what could have been and what should have been. Business, disappointments and even fear do not only distract us from our ambitions; but they make us forget our dreams and consume our lives with many pseudo achievements. At the end, he concluded by emphasizing the importance of remembering the purpose, the initial reasons we had when we set out to do what we do so as to not lose sight in life. 


Thursday, January 1, 2015

I am Only Human

I'm a little reluctant to let my first few hours of the year get by without first journaling down some thoughts for the new year- call it a reflection for 2014 or a resolution for 2015 if you might, it doesn't really matter. 
Seriously?
Seriously. 

In typical fashion, 2014 felt like a roller coaster ride (which year isn't- *flips through the reflective post of the years gone by- 2013, 2012, 2011 and so on...)
So indeed, the roller coaster route wounded a few more loops than before- the low lower, and the high higher. Where has God been in all these? I would be lying if I said I had known for sure. Even right now, I have to practice a lot of faith to even utter a slight suggestion- there. Somewhere~

6 years of coming to Christ did not prepare me for a tough ride like this; at least not in the worldly typical sense. I would never have imagined myself saying things like "I hate church" or "God, take me home", when the exact same me was bathing in unworthy euphoria of the "spiritual high" just a few months prior. Things changed too quickly, much quicker that I could manage; almost to a point of hypocrisy- where is that consistency in my life?
I hated the notion of comfort Christian, the Holy Huddles as they were known, but my faith was severely tested, and I might just have become one of those- sad but true. 

AND THEN I REALIZE, lessons that I would later look upon as key turning points in my walk with Christ.


I learn that I am only human, and that is by far the greatest lesson I have learnt. 
It is one thing to talk about surrendering, and sugar-coat the whole "I am weak therefore He is strong" verse with notions such as "choosing joy" or "God is always in control". In fact this could easily be one of the cheapest talks in the Christian circle, because such Pseudo-christian terms had been so assimilated into the community- it is supposed to be the Christian norm. And when I fell out of the norm- I felt terrible (I felt un-Christian). 
We place a lot of emphasis upon our free will and how we live the life of Christians. Sounds legit, except that if I may ask: where is God in the picture?
When I am depressed, if all I had to do is to change my perspective and control my emotions, where does that leave God? Non-believers and secular science have a term for it: we call it "self-talk". In the year of 2014, I did a self-assessed inventory and suspected myself to perhaps have exhibited symptoms of severe depression. First hand experience tells me that in times like these, you simply do not just simply choose. You can't. 
Another time I had a conversation whereby I sent a friend a greeting to which was replied with "I am fine". I got a bit worked up and sent a quick closure to that conversation- if all your life "choosing joy" is your only coping mechanism to deal with all the shit life threw at you, then perhaps life has not been bad enough for us to need God
When really bad things happen- the losing of loved ones, the complication of a promising career, the shaking of financial security, the breaking of cherished relationships, broken promises, betrayal, abandonment- choosing joy becomes tough work, near impossibility. God has to intervene, God has to come through, God has to keep us there. Throughout the entire process, God is active; us, contrary to common notion of choosing joy, would be too exhausted and maxed out to even try. An active God keeps and preserves the passive us. I am only human never felt this real before, and that changed me. However many times of relying on God, trusting in God, following God in our services unto Him, the pride of humanity always yearns for a huge need of control to be satisfied. 
"We are not the Savior/Messiah!" Those who have been through would wearily shout, but so many fell on deaf ears. I am only human does not highlight an extraordinary level of spirituality that attribute our surrendering to a personal trait of righteousness or faithfulness; I am only human is a prayer of desperation to say that God I really can't and only You can. 

In a year whereby I graduated from university and officially entered the workforce; in that same year whereby I joined a NPO on an official basis; in the year whereby many life priorities changed; in that same year whereby I so often felt lost, stuck and being in the wrong place; if I were to choose; I choose to be human. Not indulgence, but surrender. 


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Exodus: Gods and Kings- I Find it Biblical

Perhaps Noah has already set the tone for all the subsequent renditions of the Bible's stories by Hollywood- one that would be met with a dearth of receptivity. Put up as one of the mega productions of the year; and lauded as one of the major breakthroughs for modern Christianity, news of a series of blockbuster films lined up for screening for the year of 2014 gave many reasons to be excited about. However, that kind of optimism did not last. In March when Noah first went on screen, the film was met with much criticism, forcing the director to make the declaration that Noah was probably the most unbiblical film any secular team has produced. From then on, Christian films have been looked (frowned) upon with lens of skepticism. Bible story so they say, but is it really so?

When Exodus came out, I was excited. How does a Moses played by Christian Bale sound? I wasn't expecting a perfect rendition of the famous second book of the Holy Book, but I was keen to see what this film holds nevertheless. Much like Peter Jackson's rendition of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit which injected personal insights into the exciting adventures of the veteran with and breathed new life to an otherwise complete imagined dimension/world, I was excited to see a different Exodus.
Compared to Noah, Exodus went by a lot more quietly, and I thought that was a good sign, only for the undercurrent to surface much more gradually, eventually. Details that contradicted with the depictions in the Bible called into question the credibility of such a film- where did crocodiles feature, how to reconcile a child-God, where is the staff that turns into snake, how did Moses climb up Mount Sinai, how were Moses's encounters with God, when was Moses ever swept by the waves and so on... 
Yet, Charisma Magazine said it well- the film is never meant to replace the Word; and if anything Exodus should spark off much interest to read the bible. Despite all the controversies, I actually quite like the film. In fact, I find it rather biblical. Exodus asked many difficult questions that the average Christians would otherwise have taken granted for. 

Visceral does not speak; it implies. And how we imply varies from who is implying.
This is one of the early scenes in the film whereby Moses and his brother Ramesses, who would later become the Pharaoh of the Exodus, stood before the old pharaoh as he sought divine guidance on an upcoming war. He asked the priest what the visceral says, to which she answered the visceral does not speak, but it is available for interpretation, and the that varies according to who makes it. 
Divinity apart, this reminds me of how we read the bible today. That which is acceptable and that which is tabooed; that which is Godly and that which is defiling, all but summed up nicely in the Gospel when Jesus healed on a Sabbath. To which Jesus asked a rhetorical question, "is the Sabbath made for man or man for Sabbath?" 
While the bible speaks, the freedom to interpret it has stirred up much discussion about what it actually says, sometimes bringing about an out-of-proportion need to contextualize. "The visceral is unclear, but one thing is clear." Perhaps there are some revelations that has been deliberately revealed more clearly than the other- nothing else matters when we don't have love.

Would you rather believe in prophecies and divination and forsake logic?
This is the modern day's bane. Egypt at its peak created a false sense of superiority- men began to find answers to many things, and men began to put faith in themselves. Logic, or so they called it, became the pillar for explanation. Human defined what is possible, and what is not; and explain away the impossible by twisting the established possible. It's too philosophical to go around these- but if anything, Exodus provided an obvious answer to that question: a resounding yes

Do you know what you sound like?
Delusional?
After Moses's (controversial) encounter with I AM, Moses awoke from a state of shock, hyperventilation, excitement, confusion or whatever state you perceive Christian Bale to be portraying. Zipporah sat by the bedside to pacify a shocked Moses and asked him that question. In an unexpected trait of clarity, Moses suggested, "delusional?" 
At this point, the audience would have sided with Moses to say that he definitely was not, but translating to the real world context, we probably have had our fair share of Zipporah coming around. Christians who are too serious about their faith, radical Christians who do the unthinkable, people (both non-believing and believing, unfortunately) come about to cast doubts upon our convictions, and deep within we are well clear about what they think of us- delusional. 
To which I say, fret not- remember and know that we are not, for God is real.

You did not meet God; God is not a child.
This is by far one of the most controversial parts in the film, and I applaud Ridley Scott's boldness in doing this. The conservatives caught this and cries of blasphemy rang through the theatre, much like how the Jews responded to Jesus's claim of being the Son of Man. By this, I'm not saying that portraying God as a child is correct. But by skillfully inserting this dialog between Moses and Zipporah into the plot, Ridley successfully created a point of discussion for its viewers, or at least for those who bothered to give a thought rather than seal its fate. 
This is also by far the point I most strongly contend for. 
Who amongst us have seen God's face except for those who have been extended the grace of God? Many of us, like Zipporah, have heard of and even read about God, and we claim to know God, but when God comes in the most unexpected of ways, we are quick to dismiss Him- "God is not a child." Well, in the film He is. 
Today we have many of our own projections- prophecies, visions, and even the times when we claim to have heard from Him. And these are quickly accepted for one reason or the other, yet a child-God has to be quickly dismissed. If God spoke through a donkey, and if God spoke through formless flames, can a child-God not be? Once again, I'm not saying that God is a child. What I am saying is like the Visceral section above- God is a personal God. To Moses in the film, I AM is indeed a child.

Why did you take me from my family?
I did not. You chose to.
This is the painful part for many who choose to follow God. Today many people ask the question- where does God call me to go- but they forget that in Isaiah 6:8, it was Isaiah who took up the responsibility personally and responded "here I am, send me". We act as if we don't have a choice, and we act as if we could only live in obedience. 
In moments of frustration, we have the tendency to push the blame to God, forgetting the initial convictions. I AM need a general, but the general may not be you; I AM asked if I care about my own people; I AM spoke. But I chose to respond because I became convicted of the purpose, I saw my role in the bigger plan, I resonated with the cause. I just needed to be reminded.

You mean You do not need me?
Perhaps I don't.
Another big area of today's Christian scene where zealous people take it upon themselves. Like Moses, we heard from God, derived our own plans and put them into execution, expecting immediate results. Presumptuous rashness says that we just need a reason or a vision (出师有名), and we will derive our own means. God, this is our plan, bless it.
This is especially so when we overhype spiritual gifting such as worship, leadership, stewardship etc. Moses had leadership, he was a skilled warrior, trained militant, proficient strategist, sharp schemer etc, and he knew it. So he stuck to his familiar ways and God came and told him, I AM waiting to see you fail. To which Moses asked the all famous question: You don't need me, do You?
Perhaps I don't.
Then what do I do now?
For now- just watch. 

What kind of God do you worship- one that murders children?
None of the Hebrews child died last night.
This is one of the hardest questions to debate. In the film, Moses himself struggled and commented, "initially I was impressed, but not anymore. If this goes on, both sides will suffer. Who are You punishing exactly?" This is one of the times Moses could not agree with God about, and I think beyond the superficiality of cruelty and inhumanity, there is great depth in all these. The blathering kid-God to portray the wrath of God was something new to me though. 

I notice that You don't agree with me all the times.
Isn't that true for all of us. We always thought we know better, even for a person like Moses. Today churches like to laud great biblical heroes for their faith, but Exodus portrayed a more mortal Moses- a human being much like the rest of us. This isn't the great wise white-bearded spiritual leader of the Hebrews; this isn't even the hyper spiritual man who sought God all the way. On the other hand, this is a man who like many of us, doubted, faulted, even tried to play God, but throughout the whole journey was continually being humbled and molded by God. The leader candidate would fall, but the stone would stay forever. In the final few scenes, we saw the intimacy between Moses and the child-God. The friend of God in the Bible was depicted in a cave setting where Moses was carving what seems like the 10 commandments. Moses said, "I wouldn't have done it if I do not agree with You." To which the child-God responded, "I notice that You don't agree with me all the times." 

Who does?

We get to choose- this way or that way.
This isn't a dialog per se. When Joshua, son of Nun, questioned Moses- where does God say we should go, Moses, convinced by his own military expertise, used God's name to direct the Israelites to the mountains. 
How often the hyper-spiritual uses God to get the quickest and easiest way out?  God says this, God says that. In the film, we also saw the grace of God when Moses finally submitted and conceded, "I am lost. I do not know where I am. I have left my family. I have let You down." Then, God made a way and rescued us. The humbling process was between him and God, and God did not let Moses lose credibility in front of His people.

From You do not wish to help me and You do not wish to help them, to do not be afraid for God is with us.
The cartoon Prince of Egypt has created a false impression that the parting of Red Sea has to be majestic, so when I first heard how gradual this entire process was, I was a little skeptical. That was until I watched this Exodus, and I thought it was very legit. 
At that point in time, the child-God was already very absent, and Moses felt abandoned. From someone who did not believe in divinity and someone who rather leave things to chances and coincidences, at this point in time, meteorological changes and environmental changes have taken a turn and become signs of the omnipresent God. Contrast with the Pharaoh's trusted scientist who persistently, trying-too-hard-ly found scientific explanations to justify all the things of God, (a position Moses himself must have been all too familiar with in his early days), we see a transformation of character. 
When Moses declared confidently, "do not be afraid, for God is with us." He's no longer the Moses of old. 

Exodus was never meant to replace the bible. When so much concerns were raised amongst the Christian community, within myself surfaces a question: how does viewing this Exodus change our perception of who this God is- details aside?




Sunday, December 14, 2014

Stuck

Many went through a lousy stint in life and they lamented that they had no choice, but in actuality they had made a bad choice from the onset but was unwilling to be responsible for the consequence that entailed. I blame the company for not presenting full view the fine prints; I blame the system for "conning" the young and naive; I blame the environment for not helping me to become more informed; I blame family and friends who failed to come along to advise; I blame God for allowing what had happened to happen. Yes, that is me; and probably also many who might be feeling stuck where they are.

What do you do when you feel stuck. I have had friends who paid off their bonds and started life anew, except that given my family background, that option is entirely out of the picture for me. Furthermore, I do feel like I needed to face that consequence instead of running away from it. 

It's been a terrible 4 years, and I literally feel myself wasting away, consumed by that immense amount of pressure and grievances. Many times I felt like buckling under that weight, but so what if I really did? In my society, emotional background hardly warrants a second look of compassion or pity from any established organization. Feeling sad? Get on with work. Even the passing of a loved one would only warrant a few days of pathetic leave. So I trudged on, every week dragging the battered body across the 1730 of every Friday, then my dying body gets slightly rejuvenated. I live 2 out of the 7 days in a typical week, with the remaining 5 fulfilling responsibilities rather than genuinely living. So what- every typical piece of inspirational essay seems to have a resolution planned and weaved into the perfect moment they term the climax to draw applause- I don't. I don't have a resolution. I continue to struggle. I continue to loathe. I continue to envy the likes of Josh McDowell and George Mueller who found an escapade from their respective military obligations. I continue to wander- when and how am I going to fulfill this obligation. 

And then I could only surrender. 
I could only commit.
I could only strive to continue to not just survive, but to thrive.
I could only continue to lean.
I probably don't understand why, but I think I know God. 
So it's only a matter of years when I finally gain hindsight, then maybe I would be thankful.