The Dauntingness of Near

Why were the Israelites so faithless; why were there not more of the likes of Caleb and Joshua? 
Why was Simon so faithless; why did he deny Jesus despite boldly claiming that he never would?

Why? That is the benefit of hindsight, because we somehow seem to know better suddenly when the scenarios have already been played out. The "what ifs" become the "if only".

But how must it have felt like for the Israelites, or the Peter in Matthew 26:33-35- when death and uncertainty become more than just a possibility. 

8 years ago, I received my calling, or at least that has been my conviction and narrative since. God called me to missions, period. 

So I went on my pilgrimage of character-moulding, soul-searching, fortitude-building, spiritual-sanctification, rough-edge-chiseling, pride-humbling - all in the name of becoming more like Christ. 8 years are a long time, especially long in an environment hastened by technology, and a long time is difficult to endure. Like a race of marathon, when we become dampen and discouraged, we fix our eyes back on the goal to stay on track. Going into my call was my goal. There is something about goals like this; they rejuvenate and keep us going. I was looking forward. Yet, where I am now, 1 year from that goal, I am feeling the heat. 

I felt like a Peter. When all was good, when my Jesus was winning crowds, performing mind-boggling miracles, speaking wisdom, I slapped my chest to say "never would I forsake you!" And then when there is so much to lose, out of desperation I utter renouncements without any hesitation, "what are you talking about? I do not know Him." To some extent, going into mission was an easy claim to make, because well, 8 years are a long long time away. Until when it comes so near, and daunting. When there is so much to lose, so much to sacrifice for; when suddenly the appeal of the otherwise (whether it is denying Jesus or forsaking my call to mission) suddenly become so much more attractive. I am giving the alternatives serious considerations. The faith that abandons all goes into hiding. 

When My Wrist Cracked

I had been looking forward to this day. 
It was a rare Sunday. My sister was sharing testimony on this day. Oh, and there was a soccer match on this day. I had managed to get some of my Navy friends to join us for the game and I was totally looking forward to a good time together. I was tired, but I was more excited than tired.

The long wait finally came to a halt, and the anticipation dissipated into adrenaline. The other team looked professional; we looked disorganised at best. We played okay for the first third; not conceding goals, and had our fair share of chances. On the contrary, I was gutted for not playing well, but I stayed on the pitch. I enjoyed it nevertheless, after weeks of eager anticipation. 

Then things started to go downhill, when we started making substitution and conceded our first of 4 or 5 goals. People were being substituted at different points, and the team was confused. Everyone had their own ideas of how the game should be played, and every idea was different.

Then it happened.

The opponent had an African player who was big and strong. Not exactly fast, but definitely powerful. Tactical shifts had put me in centre back and I had to cope, and support. One time, he was played through and was making a darting run down the centre. In an attempt to stop him, I closed him down, got into his path, and BAM! I knocked into a shifting wall. 

It all happened too quickly, and all I remember was me tumbling to the ground, feeling a numbing pain on my left wrist. I had thought it to be a shock from the impact, so I quickly got myself on my feet, right hand supporting my left, TRYING to carry on. I put my left hand behind my back in hope of getting some support, and continued running. One time I even took a THROW IN with a fractured wrist. It was only when the adrenaline subsided that I signalled for a substitution- I was making mistakes, and it was for the better of the team that I came off. 

Upon stepping off the field, I looked down and saw a bump on my left wrist. I thought it was a swell, and I pressed it- it was hard; it was my bone. I went around checking if it could be a fracture or dislocation, and that was when I was given some medical attention. 

I have been given 2 weeks of hospitalisation leave and won't be in action for the duration. 2 weeks later, if deemed necessary, I might upgrade from a half-cast to full-cast.

Meanwhile, it's gonna be a long 2 weeks. Thank you all for your well-wishes and concerns!

Nepal Taja Asa Day 1

"For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,  I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.'  Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?'  Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."
Matthew 25:42‭-‬45 ESV

Mission has its way of transforming people. I read somewhere that many modern churches crave for revival as an end to itself, but what the Christian body really needs is a transformation. The Wesleys revolution was cited as archetype for this transformatiom, and that is for very good reasons.

Mission is like that too. For one, mission humbles. The value of stepping into the unknown is a journey of looking beyond what you are good at. I arrive at a phase with complete denial of any remaining strength, but a deep conviction that I am indeed very weak.

Mission meets the need. 2 very wholesome discussion with 2 sold out nepali brothers bring so much light; more so, bring so much hope, faith and love into the works.

"Leave the evangelism to the locals, because of the language barrier; you come and train the Nepali Churches, equip them. Nepali Churches are easy to start but difficult to manage."

"The only reason why Singapore is blessed and given so much is so that she can be a blessing to others. No other regions are like Singapore, and there can be no other reasons for Singapore to be given such undeserved favour."

"Organized short term mission trips are important and appreciated. 20-30 years of seeds sown; God will cause the growth."

"Mission works are not constrained within the definitive scope of spiritual growth. It is a whole package- influencing the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects. What good is there to tell a person to have faith when he's mot having enough to eat? That is biblical. So come and bring ideas, bring knowledge, bring experiences, share with us. Help us to progress, help us to grow."

In all that we do, give thanks to God in everything, knowing that He is constantly at work, in line or apart from our plans. Give thanks, regardless.

I alone am left

1 Kings 19:14 "And I alone am left."

A very deep sense of abandonment. The nice word used was "entrust", but the reality felt more like offloaded. For 2 months now, it felt like a lonely journey. If I had been able to muster my full capacity, I think I would have risen to the challenge. I have plans, directions, goals, and a keen passion to drive in this new role, except that my time has already been thinly spread. I need support, I need inputs, I need someone to shoulder this together with me. The constant assurance that I was the right man for the job felt like little more than a quick fix to alleviate any sense of anxiety. I am the right man, indeed (it felt like I was the right man only because no one else was willing to take on that role). 

Then the devil came around and planted thoughts to sow discord, stirring up bitterness and displeasure about the present state. What kind of leader would do this kind of thing for his flock. Repeated rebuffs and laissez faire- "you are doing fine, good in fact." Well, not really... I'm actually having a lot of uncertainty and I would really appreciate more support and guidance. 

And in times like that, you learn and you grow. Either you continue to spiral down that whirlpool of death, or you swim with all your might against the flow to get out from there. In this case, to renounce the negative thoughts and work things out. So I realized, that even in times like that (wherever we might be), this too is a journey with God. The negative thoughts and the helplessness ought to be left at the foot of the cross. Whoever gave the assignment, God continues to be a huge part of that journey.

Corrie Ten Boom, "I learn to hold all things loosely, so God will not have to pry them from my hands." This assignment belongs to God also. Hold things loosely, even in the face of a tight deadline; in the face of increased demands; in the face of high expectations; in the face of the need to deliver; in the face of the need to provide certainty in the midst of uncertainty; in the face of the greater good. I am feeling the pressure, but God says come to me all those who are weary. I have high hopes and a huge vision and expectation for reality to match up to; but Scripture says many are the plans of men, but ultimately it is the will of God that will prevail. 

I am taking a long deep breath. I am going to take it slowly. Maybe that would mean the falling short of deadline; or leaving of things in the limbo, but God continues to be my comfort and my anchor. Hold things loosely, and let God be God.

Quiet Prayers

"There is a time to be silent and a time to speak."
Ecclesiastes 3:7

I came across an article about the world's expectation of an outstanding kid - one who must be smart, confident, witty and well, outspoken. Even interviewed teachers and researchers conceded about their tendencies to pay more attention to the children who are more proactive in answering questions. That, pretty much, sets the tone the world is painted in - speaking is good, a demonstration of knowledge, genuine care, ownership and perhaps a sense of participation. 

The same could be translated to the Christian scene. In a meeting dominated by Christians, it is a common sight to take verbal detours to talk about related and unrelated stuff, often leaving the core issues unaddressed. After all, isn't it a Christian thing to share about lives, talk about underlying issues, and (I'm not leaving that out) to express love and concern. Beyond fellowship and Christian communion, we see the same in our relating with God. We say a whole lot of Christianese to express our identity, and we mutter a whole lot of words in our prayers. Then it beckons me to wonder, where in all of our "doing Christianity" is that time to be silent? 

In the Bible, it is said that speaking in tongues without love renders a person to at best be a loud gong and cymbal, making meaningless noises. So we all know that love is an action, and speaking devoid of action is futile. What if listening is as much a huge part of communication as speaking? What if to produce the whole package of love, we need to listen rather than speak? And sometimes, to listen doesn't mean an airtime for the other person to speak, but to allow the One to have His say? In our prayers, in our communion, in our intercession, in every aspect of our walk with Him. To let God be God and us adopting a humble posture of waiting instead of the active notion of petitioning and telling God what to do. The article has an interesting abbreviation using the word "WAIT". While wait literally means to wait, it also stands for "Why Am I Talking"? Indeed, in the occupying of every airtime, why don't we ask ourselves if we are talking just to make ourselves feel comfortable, feel productive, feel good, or feel spiritual?

If prayers are indeed as many would put it "communications with God", then perhaps it's time to start listening.

The Christian Way

I became a Christian, and what changed? 
I started going to church when I was 17; I adopted the practice of saying grace before meal; I learnt the Christianese and began littering my conversations with those lingo; I modelled my prayers on the most spiritual-looking person in church; I read the bible and many other Christian books; I go for occasional mission trips; I attend Christian conferences; I echo loudly yes and amen whenever the man in front preach a spiritual-sounding word and the list goes on. So, in a way many things changed. I became the public Christian, but that is not the kind of Christian the bible describes.

When you pray, do not use many words (Matthew 6:5); when you do good works, do not let your right hand know what your left hand does (Matthew 6:3), when you fast, act normal (Matthew 6:16). See, while there are many "Christian activities", the way we go about doing them are more internal than external; more God-centred than me-centred. The Christian way fixes the person. Yes, it fixes me rather than my circumstances. So, by becoming fixed, amongst the many things that change, I am the chief change. I have to change. 

I pray that God would help me pray for my circumstances and surrender. I pray that God would help me stop fighting Him and let Him fight for me. I pray that I would surrender my all, so that I can win in all because I am on God's side. I pray that I would stop complaining, and stop seeing things with my physical eyes, and stop letting anger and bitterness determine my stance and attitude in all the places that I walk. I pray that in all these many difficult moments that are hard to come to terms with, I would be given that conscientious awareness that by trusting in God, that means I ought to duck by kneeling down. By fixing my eyes upon Him, His grace would flow into every aspect of my life. I pray that I would stop looking at things that I ought not to have control in and become disappointed, but to focus on the one vision that God has placed upon my life. I pray that in all these things, God would help me to become so reliant on Him, that the only fear that bothers me is the fear of becoming distant from Him. I pray that I will always pray. 

The Christian Way is to pray.

Reflection and New Year Resolution are too Mainstream

What better ways to begin a reflective/prospective journal piece with the typical "the year has flown by too quickly". The truth of the matter is that is indeed the unspoken truth. Yet, the atypical thing about 2015 is the sheer amount of milestones that have taken place. Barring the fact that there were no major tournaments in the footballing sense, 2015 has seen well, the wrong crowning of pageant (the candidate from Philippines is gorgeous). And she described the peculiar experience as "very 2015" when interviewed. 

2015 has seen many unexpected things happening, even more so at a very personal level. So I described my 2015 in 3 major events: first full year at work, first time joining the Church's board, and the first time becoming cell-less in the Christian body. To sum it up, it has been a difficult year of extreme isolation- isolated in an extreme manner, but very much self-induced. In conclusion, it was no where near ideal, but a less than perfect experience forces improvement and hones a person. So through this period, I've learnt much. 

I learnt about the importance of unity, not just in church, but in the workplace and at home as well. So gossips are very sharp knives that slice so finely, that before we knew it, things are already falling apart. So unity is the hallmark of a Christian's influence, and a sincerely-wrong good intention, while sincere, does more harm than good. Unity means it's more important to stick together and get through things side by side than to get ahead; unity means denying of self; unity means you are more important than I being right. Unity is important, period. 

I learnt that negativity spreads, and 201X was the year whereby self-justification became so so prevalent. I've been quoting Proverbs 21:2 since the turn of the year, but it never stared down so bluntly as it did in the past 1 year. So in this entire man of sorrow mode, I made enemy with the whole world. Talking about self-induced isolation. (I still dread what I see, but I do believe there are better ways to deal with it).

I learnt that I am actually pretty awesome. At 24 years of age, I've given away more than 20 grand in cash for various good causes. Barring the fact that statistically we are probably in the top few percentile in terms of wealth, I think I have given away more money than many people my age, and my kind of financial background, ever would. So I should be kinder to myself and focused on areas to improve on, and not how I am so different (in an unacceptable way from every one else). I really should stop making enemies. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the upcoming year, while I will be spending my countdown at work, there are a few things that I really wish to accomplish. 

I want to learn a new skill. This is the "duh" thing, and it always appears around this time of the year. And the overly ambitious me always render me to fail big time in this area because there are just so many things that I set out to do. So for 2016, I specifically want to learn how to rollerblade. This should be manageable, and KISS should fit and work fine.

I want to become fitter. My BMI has loitered around 25 for the past 3-4 years already, and my attempt to lose weight has been on-off at best. But the audience effect at work is doing me good, and if I sustain this routine of running every morning, this too should be on track.

I want to settle into this workplace as soon as possible. While, I am finally closing up for official duties and appointments, things take time for me to get used to and comfortable with. This is the first time when I can finally stop transiting, so the sooner I get acclimatised, the faster I can get down to making the positive impact that I so desire to make. 2016 would be the time.

I want to establish and start doing something real, sustainable and substantial in the mission scene. This has to come from a deep communion with my God, so beefing up my spiritual walk would be a top top priority during this period too. 

A healthier me, a more loved me, a happier me, a more positive me, a more powerful me, a more reliable me, a more competent me, a better friend. 2016 here I come. 

With that, I am out.

Dwindling to Obscurity

In our search for life's greater purpose, many have seemed to diverge onto different paths, each to his own convictions. 

If that search had been as straightforward as a singular goal, things would have been a lot simpler, except that the journey to its attainment is also the one to its discovery. The greater purpose morphs over time. 

However, one probably would not go wrong by suggesting that the way to go is somewhat upward- whether be it leaving a lasting legacy, making a positive impact, bringing about a movement, changing the course of history, or transforming the lives of people. The general trend goes up, and that inevitably focuses our attention on the tangibles- how to get more influence, how to network, how to be more effective, how to publicise, how to rally, how to garner more resources. If you find this familiar, that is because it mirrors closely to how secular businesses are ran. Churches create marketing departments, while NGOs make publicity a major thrust of their efforts. 

So in our efforts to fulfil the great calls of our lives, we seem to have forfeited the fundamentals of what we have been shown- that it is the weak, small and oftentimes unspectacular through whom God likes to work with. It is unfortunate, but to say that it is far from what God has intended would be hugely inaccurate. God's great plan and grace have enough room for men to work our ways around, and all of us would have to concede organised and ESTABLISHED groups have impacted humanity in tremendous ways that they must have been blessed by God. Think Campus Crusade for Christ, The Salvation Army, World Vision, etc. 

Therefore, my sentiment does not aim to discount the credibility or the fruits bore by the efforts that precede me. Instead, I hope what I wrote would become an encouragement to the ones who are discouraged, struggling, confused and helpless. 

"So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honoured by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

Matthew 6:2-4

I caution against bitterness. "gimmicks", that is what I used to label anything that has a tinge of semblance to well, gimmicks. So an exaggerated piece of promotion video (to me) is a classic piece of gimmick, a large scale event graced by celebrities is another elaborated piece of gimmick. So while the intention might have been good or even Godly, somewhere deep within I harboured some sort of bitterness - toward a perceived failed promise, and a perceived sense of being under-appreciated. It was not easy. 

See, that's why Jesus placed so much emphasis on the denial of self, because it is so normal for us to expect something in return. In a culture deeply ingrained in our eastern root, this is especially so. But service unto God is selfless first. So in all our efforts to do more and more, bigger and bigger things, it helps to refocus, and it helps to take solace in His promise- that the things done in secret will be rewarded by our Father. 

I've embedded one of my favourite videos below, one that I feel perfectly encapsulates the kind of joy that is so untainted and untouched. It was about a super agent's encounter with a missed prodigy. Missed, because he never became a professional. The exchange climaxed when the agent asked him "do you know the kind of impact that would have come with your fame?" The missed prodigy replied, matter-of-factly, "you bet I do. In fact I think about it all the time, the kind of audience that I would have had, the magnitude of things that I could do with it." At this point, he turned and looked at his backyard, "but you know each time I look at these children," and he proceeded to name them one by one, and he continued, "they make the most important decision in their lives here. Being able to be a part of that and having the honour to witness that. Here, in this backyard, this is my Yankee stadium." 

Obscurity is no obscurity when my life is not lived for my own. Climbing to heights has its own danger of forgetting the initial purpose; working for heights create frustration; desiring heights contaminates the motivation. It is only when we, like what Jesus commanded, deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Him, can we truly experience the joy of fulfilling the greater purpose in life. See, if the greater purpose is bigger than me and my life, it has to be given by Someone who is bigger and greater than me. God gives, and repeatedly in the new testament, Jesus mentioned about this fullness of life in John 10:10, and Paul mentioned about a purpose that God's lovers have been called to. 

Our promise is in heaven. Woe to me who have garnered fame and wealth in this world, for my eyes are fixed upon the throne room, where my ultimate reward is found in Christ. So I pray that God help me fix my eyes upon the first love, the initial conviction, so that bitterness will not pose a hindrance nor a cause for jealousy to disrupt the work in Christ. 

Unqualified (the Beginning of Unconditional Giving)

Where does helping begin? Somehow being Christian is almost synonymous to giving help. After all, the bible emphasises much on loving your neighbour- what better ways to express this love than helping them. Don't get me wrong- this is definitely not just an extrapolation of the motherhood statement to love all and hate none. The bible is quite explicit when it comes to helping- clothe the cold, feed the hungry, visit the sick. 

So let me ask again? Where then does helping begin? 
In the year of 2015, my second year into becoming a full-fledged self-sustaining working adult was also the second year when I experienced the tension of giving. One such tensions was the tension of competing needs: in a world so extensively connected and a hub like Singapore whereby you get access to information about the Syrian crisis, the plane crash, the earthquakes, the floods, the pandemics, the human trafficking, the wars, the refugee crisis; frankly, how do you help? William Wilberforce's impactful challenge to not turn a blind eye to the situation around us, while appealing and compelling, edges close to the side of impracticality and unreal. So granted, over the years the forerunners and our predecessors, in the name of efficiency and wisdom-sharing, have much to advise- the dummy's guide to choosing a worthy cause to help with. 

Except that perhaps, over time many have missed the point. A "worthy cause" is the issue. 

I am sponsoring a child whom I love dearly. I call him my son. My eyes glow each time I speak about him. In fact, I love to talk about him, the cause, the impact and the possibilities that entail with all these givings. And I reckon people like to hear about it too. They might have been inspired even. But that's about as far as "feeling good gets". Recently, I was sharing about this meaningful cause to a friend, who went as far as to express his interest to do likewise. That was until he also shared about his intent to ensure success. To quote his exact words, "if I were to give, I would want to ensure that the child is successful." Who wouldn't? Seriously, I want my child to become a vagabond (sarcasm added)! Following up with that, how many of us could beat our chest and say "I could". The reality of the matter is that none of us can ensure success- even for our own children who may live through their childhood under our close supervision, given the best education and preparation programs, they may not guarantee success still; much less in an environment much harsher than what we have been accustomed to.  

That, is the problem. We make pre-requisites in the name of prudence, and we apply the concept of investments when we consider whether or not to give to a cause. We seem to forget that when God chose us, we were the least qualified to do His works, much less, worthy of His Son. Look again, and we see the likes of Peter, Paul, Matthew, James, John, David, Jonah, Rahab, Jacob, Moses, and yes even Judas Iscariot. These people had been chosen and used by God in varying degrees throughout the course of history, and God being all knowing included the least likely of candidates as part of His ace-team; even those who would ultimately fail Him- the likes of Judas and Gehazi, and to a lesser extent, Solomon. 

That, is the beauty. God teaches us to look at possibilities instead of statistics; an empty vessel waiting to be filled instead of a broken vessel that can never be filled. Granted, limited resources, high demands, lack, are some of the very real challenges we face; and being prudent is perhaps justifiable in that light. Yet, we need to be mindful if we choose to track that course. Philippians 4:8 helps to frame out mind in a manner that is Christ-like and Christ-centred- think about all that is true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Period. Everything else is worries uncalled for; serving only to cloud our purity and crowd out all that is good. Allowing the possibility to fail is where God would come through in His wholeness- when all else fail, in our weaknesses His strength is shown, and He deserves all the glory. 

That, is the mandate given to us. To love, to care, to walk alongside is our part; to transform, to reciprocate, to grow is God's. In fact, the only mandate that has some sort of a string attached is when it comes to teaching- teach a child so that he will not turn to the left or right when he grows up (Proverbs 22:6). Therefore it is high time that we relook at our motives in all our good intent to obey God's commandment- what it means to deny ourselves and follow Him. I suggest, one of the areas that we ought to first deny ourselves is the tendency for us to assume saviour. Trust me, it feels good to be needed, and it definitely is addictive to feel important. The moment we drop these, we would be more willing to go low; go to their level and then perhaps, we would become more generous with our giving and less ready with our skepticism. There is value in the old wisdom of "putting ourselves in other people's shoes". These shoes fit better when we go low. The moment we drop these, things like disappointment would almost certainly mean very different things; because dropping these allows us to take up our right place to let God be God. Things like results and outcomes are God's portion, while we take up the straightforward part of serving, harvesting, and trusting in His promises. 

Unconditional giving is inspired by love, and God is love. 

Discipleship

How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who brings good news. 

It is indeed very important to share the Gospel, but to what end? See, many of today's evangelism efforts seem to be focused on pushing the message outward. Yet, during Jesus's 3 years of ministry, He was more than happy to reject any new follower. Just look at Luke 9. 

We see suitability, we see fit, we see qualification, all of which almost seem to imply that we ought to be worthy of the Gospel. There is some degree of truth in this, but worthiness of the Gospel has nothing to do with how much we deserve it. It has everything to do with how willing we are to bear it. Bear because it is and will not be easy. Luke 9 told us to count the cost and pick up our cross. It leads to sacrifice, and it will cost us. 

So on this side of the world, I think it is important to remind us what it means to follow Christ. I ever read a book titled "Jesus's Freaks". It is a collection of the stories of Martyrs, so one of them wrote a note that reads like this: "do not worry for me, and pray only that I will cling on to my faith regardless of the situation. On the other hand, I worry for you, that the comfort of your environment will dull you into complacency and you would do away with the need to rely on God." 

This is the danger of a feel good Christianity. In my country, many people are generally well to do, and comfortable Christianity is a common thing. Being a Christian is almost equivalent to having a good fellowship, having a good job, having a good family, but Jesus clearly demanded a lot a lot more. 

I implore all of us to reflect upon our walk with Christ. In our prayer, what do we ask for; in our daily living, what do we prioritise on; how do we spend our money; how do we spend our time. Each will reveal an area of your heart; and then count the cost of following Christ. 

Discipleship is important, but discipleship is real as well. If we make discipleship into going through materials, or mere intellectual discussion of God's Word, then we are missing the point. Paul says, "imitate me as I imitate Christ". Few mentorship model illustrates the relationship better than that. So this reality of following Christ details into the cost, the consideration, the sacrifices and more. 

Evangelism without discipleship is like cleaning up a leak without repairing the crack. The church experience momentary spurt in number, but when difficult time strikes, the number dwindles. 

What it means to follow Christ- choose the bitter-sweet. It's very clear in the bible. Those who deny themselves, pick up their cross and follow Him.

Reflection about Grace

Grace is getting what we do not deserve; mercy is withholding what we deserve, so they say. 

Grace is not holding against you. Grace has nothing to do with just forgiveness. Grace is costly. In light of justice, wrong has to be righted. So in light of a just God, grace is served. It is not just a decision to forgive. It is "I take on your debt and settle it for you"; so it costs Me much- I had to give My Son; but the gracious Me deemed that necessary and appropriate by My standards. As such, we understand it when Paul says, by no means should we continue sinning because of grace; but knowing God's grace transforms us from the inside out. God's grace is self-sacrificial; God's grace is costly. Debt is wiped only because it is paid. 

So when we say we show and demonstrate grace, it goes beyond a personal decision. It is a deliberate intent to lose some in order to gain some -losing in the form of denial of rights; losing in the form of forfeiting the need to be right; losing in the form of taking the place of wrong; losing in the form of paying. And then, all in exchange of the one and only thing of worth (in God's eyes)- souls. 
So, grace is beyond withholding what you deserve, and grace is beyond getting what you do not deserve. Grace only because God takes the place of receiving what we deserve; grace only because the truly deserving One stepped into the gap and paid the price. 
Therefore, how can there be room for cheap grace? Grace of value; the huge price tabled. So, do not behave like a spoilt brat and live a life of "after all it has been paid for already," but grow up in maturity to know that "it cost much; it must be precious; I must cherish."

The Things We Don't Usually Hear About

2 weekends ago, a team went to Tanjong Pinang and conducted a first-ever adventure camp for an orphanage.  I was told to share about the camp, but what about? We have pulled it off like many other events did before, and the camp definitely left a sweet aftertaste to have had that opportunity to partner God and to do something good. So when I was told to share, I wondered, apart from the typical things, what did God want to convey to the congregation through the Tanjong Pinang ministry.

Coincidentally a week ago, I got a Facebook notification showing this photo. Facebook told me that it’s been 4 years since it has been taken. I have lost track, but 4 years is a long time, and the ministry which I’ve first joined back in 2011 has undergone much changes, and many more challenges.

Most of the time the journey was filled with doubts because frankly, fruits were few and far between. Every year we meet to discuss the way forward, I always asked, what’s the point? Being the impatient me, I wanted to do something more dramatic, more promising, and basically bigger, but each year went by like a meandering stream. I went through short periods of exile lasting up to half a year, but always got drawn back to this ministry. Over the years, we saw all kinds of servers- people who came to see-see-look-look, people who came to “gain experiences”, people who came to “contribute” etc. 4 years went by, many people joined and many people left, but the few who stayed were not the most qualified by any measures.

Over the 4 years, I’ve taken away much, and the one lesson that tops it off is this: God’s will and its fulfillment do not and will never rely on men. Regardless of the presence or absence of good plans, good people, good talents, or even good intentions, God is the only One who is capable of bringing to fruition His good plans for humanity. So 3 years back we’ve had an outdoor activity for Sonshine kids; 2 years ago we’ve had a Christmas evangelistic program; last year we’ve had a barbecue fellowship, and this year an adventure camp for the children from the orphanage. If God were to be taken out of any of the abovementioned, none of these that we’ve been a part of would have been fulfilled.

Yet, even in the difficult times, when long planning and hard works were put into place, and yet results do not show, we’ve learnt the bittersweet. About half a year ago, we conducted a parenting talk, and the turnout was a miserable 4 or 5 mothers. These are the things on the field which we do not hear about, because the lauding crowd loves successful story. Yet, at the point of writing, countless missionaries had to be evicted from Great Britain because their licenses were being revoked. And in view of these, it’s easy to question God if perhaps we might have heard wrongly; or that if this is an indication from God for a closed door.

I will not hesitate to tell you, in my 4 years of serving on the field, countless times I’ve talked to my sister about the ministry. If a good tree bears good fruits, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruits, then does not seeing fruits definitely mean that the efforts, time and money we have sown were in vain? Martha Myers and Jim Elliot were respectively killed on the very mission fields they were sent to, Adoniram Judson was first denied access to India; and then waited for 6 long years before he had the joy to lead someone to Christ in Burma. God’s timing is not the way we understand things to be, neither is His way.

At the beginning of this year when I proposed to hold a camp for the orphanage, with every good intention of wanting to equip the group of local youths whom we have been walking alongside for 2 years, I was only hoping that these youths would understand why we were doing what we did, month in month out. I was hoping to inspire a small group of youths to step up in their walk with God to become the light in this part of the world. So we went about sounding out that possibility.

Months went by, and there were a lot more dread than anything else because it was taking up so much from all of us. We were exhausted and expanded, in terms of energy and time. So if I were to tell you about how faithful or how committed the team had been, I would have been lying. We were a bunch of disgruntled servers, and my favorites words during this period were “I’ll never do this again”. 

Coming through this, I remain thankful to these very people who stuck by, disgruntled or not. Amongst the 5 youths, only 3 came, but God brought into our midst 6 others from a local church. Even when we realized that we overestimated our planning midway through the program; even when I wandered halfway if apart from fun, joy and laughter, the kids were even getting the message that I was trying to convey. See, it takes a lot of conviction, and I could not even muster faith the size of a mustard seed in those moments. God was the One who remained faithful through it all, and all we did was to continually doubt, question and then lean onto God, while moving things along.

See. It’s tough works. We continue to sow seeds, and before the seeds bear fruits, John 12:24 says the seeds first fall to the ground and die before it can bear much fruits. It is never self-serving, and if we say we are stewarding God’s people, we don’t pick and drop them as and when it is convenient to do so. Therefore, I invite you to come along with us on this journey with Christ, to continue to trust Him and lay before Him the little that we have.

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God.

My sister poked a friendly jibe at me as I whined for the umpteenth times about me wanting to write but not being able to get down to it. It is true, I haven't had quite a writing drought like this, except that I no longer wish to blare my thoughts the way I used to. So while my brain continued to work tirelessly to generate thoughts of all sorts, I struggled big time getting down to penning them down. Woes to me, indeed, woes to me.

Today, there are some things of noteworthy. The message preached was a refreshing one, teaching me about correction in love and gentleness. It was in the same vein that I'd craft my slant to the issue, but it was so much more palatable and filled with so much more wisdom. In contrast to what I have had just a few weeks before, it put me to shame the sheer amount of pride, arrogance and self-righteousness I've self-righteously felt as I embarked on a marauding march to confront the "bigger evil".  Bigger because I've gotten the more obvious parts of my life right... Let's not talk about those that people don't see... Anyway, surely they are guilty of a bigger evil. I know it's not biblical to even give a hint of that, and man, I knew it was not right, but life moves along right? Or so I thought. 

In life, you either make things happen, let things happen, or prevent things from happening, but God's destiny for our lives continue to unfold. Perhaps the only difference is the part of whether we choose to play. And these things that happen- it'd be most ideal to think of it as the big movements, those that the passionate activists poured their sweat and blood into. Yes, you know the likes of Jim Elliot, Malala, Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama. Yea, you get my drift. But what if I had told you that these "things" start small? Our tendencies to be late for example; or a perpetual disgust toward vegetables; or the much less talk about addictions to say, pornography? Chinese has a saying that we cultivate the self, then we are able to manage our family, and then we are able to rule a country, and then we will conquer the world. Crux of it all- you start small, and you start from the self. Wisdom right there~ So when the speaker echoed Romans 6:2 to confront the a sinning believer, it felt like she was speaking to me. Or rather, it felt like God was speaking to me. "How can you say you are a believer on one hand and yet continue to indulge yourself in sins and feed your appetite for your addiction- pornography?" Yes, I am guilty and the struggle is real. I must concede the immediate response was a defensive one- "it's easy for you to say, but you have no idea how difficult it is!" 

For a large part of my sensible years, I've not been the most sensible. To be exact, it's been almost 14 years. During this period, I came through a season of fear constantly afraid that I might grow up into a sex maniac; I've also came through a period of nonchalance; I came through a season of seeking help (I shared readily in cell, but the other guys never seemed comfortable enough to deal with my honest struggles); I also came through a period of creating milestones to mark my crossover (I will get baptised, and it shall stop there; I will get through my first year as a Christian, and I will move on; I will go for this conference and I will break free from these chains; I will kneel and bow at the cross and repent and I shall be delivered; I will... The attempts went on, but the attempts were futile); I came through a season of looking for replacements and I had short sustained periods of success (when I was in relationships, but each time a relationship ended, the success followed). 14 years were reasonably long- so long that this addiction has almost became a part of me as a being, I no longer recall how it was like before I got crept on. So to hear it like this for the first time after 14 years sparked a lot of things. Within I was perhaps crying, "God, I've tried all means. I've prayed. I've asked. I've pleaded. I knew I couldn't rely on myself. So WHY? Why did you not come through? HOW ELSE?" 

For half a year, I've set my goals, that by the end of 2015, I was so going to be the conqueror of such a struggle, and I was so going to share about this wonderful testimony to encourage and perhaps finally empathise with fellow strugglers in our midst. I mean, shameful things like these are not usually talked about- they are tabooed you know. It was going to be so hope-inspiring, except that all these were part of an ideal- one that looked to be of God, but God was never really in the picture. How often do we do this non-God-Godly-things? I say, often. So half a year on, and I continue to struggle, with no seemingly end to my 14 year-old tredge through that tunnel. 

At this point, I've been brought to remembrance Paul and his thorn in the fresh. I try to rationalise, and the only reason I could think of is this. If I had gotten my way, my pride would have exploded. This one thing which I have almost no control over, it remains that one thing which constantly (or not) pointed me toward God. It kept me humble, and it kept me rooted, albeit all the frustrations and even shame; albeit the sense of hypocrisy; albeit the irksome reaction each time the word "purity" is muttered. All of these had helped me hold my ground. 

With pain in the eyes as I watched films like "Nefarious", with ache in my heart as I engaged in conversations with brothers who self-justified their support for promiscuity, and yet behind closed doors that sinful appetite consumed my whole being. This tension kept me on my toes- by my own strength, I'm probably never going to attain holiness. At least now even as God remains silent, I will continue to try. I am tempted to declare hereby that my affiliation with the shame ends here, but I acknowledge, that in the journey ahead I'm in good hands. What the world has meant for evil, God will turn it around to preserve His people. 

Ideal may not always be ideal; but God will always be God. 

Important Things

See, I came back from a meeting today that discussed about things. That is what meetings are about- we discuss about many things. Lots of talking- mostly genuine concerns; others skepticism, and perhaps yet others, undue worries. But we talk, nevertheless. Isn't that what a good organization does- freedom of speech, and the obligation to listen. Duh~

Then there are the important things. We spend way longer, much more resources, much more deliberation discussing about these important things. Sometimes these things are measured in magnitude- the amount of money involved, the number of people involved, the scale of planning etc; other times, we inject personal importance- a friend is perhaps more important than a distant someone.. 

In any case, we talk a lot. 

But that's besides the point. 

Importance.

What is important? 
To an accountant, presenting accounts and getting the document in place to tide through a smooth auditing process may be important. 
To a striving young man, saving up for a comfortable retiree's life may be important. 
To a budding family, ensuring a child's competitiveness in the society may be important. 
To a friend, preserving peace may be important.
To a superior, creating a well-oiled system to churn out good productivity may be important.
But what if... What if an individual is an accountant, a striving young man, part of a budding family, a friend, and a superior all at the same time. 

Genuine concerns remain genuine, then I guess we have to take a pick. 
On the one hand we have administrative concerns, on the other we have life and death threading on a thin line. The choice is obvious, but that is what dehumanising does to our judgment. 
Re-contextualize a little, perhaps it helps to ask ourselves. Is saving for a comfortable living/for the unexpected events in life more important than the immediate needs for funds to aid desperate causes like human trafficking, disaster relief, poverty, hunger etc. 

Even if~

There is deep beauty in Daniel 3:18. "Even if He does not, we will not accede to your command which contradicted that of what our God has told us." How many of us pray this way? What is expectancy in prayers when we have no submission in following? One gives birth to the other, so much so that the wrong kind of expectancy- one that births out of non-submission, the wrong kind of relationship- leads to disappointment. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. Perhaps that age old wisdom rings true in light of this understanding. 

Expectancy, when expressed via mere wilfulness instead of genuine faith, kills rather than gives hope. 

Hope to the Hopeless

What calls for greater celebration than the returning of a wretched child; what calls for more rejoicing than the bucking up of a wasted man? That, is only human. I take my faith seriously. So those sentiments apply also, to every spiritual revival and every eternal salvation. 

I thank my God deeply each time I hear an encouraging story about you. 

Yet, I am not talking about the explicit loss in wander expressed by the best worship performers, nor am I referring to the devoted followers of the biggest crowd-drawing conferences/concerts in town. I am talking about an inward transformation- call it alignment if you might- that changes one's outlook of life. It is about the returning of the throne of life to the Lord of life; it is about repositioning the self in view of the bigger plan; it is about the shaking up of priorities in eternal perspectives. Implicitly, that also means lots of discomfort, lots of disappointments, lots of anger, lots of frustration even; simply because we live in a fallen world. 

So hopelessness is very real. The closer you are to God, the more real that sentiment becomes. I love my God, but the body is nowhere near that. Sometimes expectations make living in a Christian community much harder than it really is. "I thought you are a Christian, but why..." 

I came through that, and I came close to leaving church, leaving friends, leaving the community altogether more than once. Oh come on, stop going on and on about church-hopping... I'm not. I am talking about dealing with hopelessness.

What happens when you see no way out; what happens when we seem like we are heading into a dead dead end; what happens if what your church does looks like nothing that resembles the church of Acts; what if you know you are right and no one listens...

Quitting is one option; running away the easy way out; but don't ever let it become the default pattern in your life. There is a prayer that is very lacking in today's society- the one that the friends of Daniel prayed in Daniel 3:18, "even if He doesn't." This is a prayer severely absent in today's society; and we forget that when we live for God, we stop living for ourselves, and it is Christ who lives in me. There is a reason why God puts you where you are, and the age-old wisdom continues to stand "be the change you want to see". Be like those friends, keep trying, keep attempting to make a difference, in the name of honouring God and bettering the Body, keep going. 

Don't give up hope. Don't give up. Don't ever ever give up. For, here comes the Truth, our hope is not in the betterment of situation nor circumstance- even if healing doesn't come; even if the society becomes worse; even if we get persecuted; even if my loved ones do not survive; even if.... I stand steadfast to my God, BECAUSE my hope is in my Maker. 

Conviction

Some came to do the job;

Some found a personal conviction;

Some discover a greater cause.

The same job as it stands, represents a wide spectrum of possibilities. 

I choose to leave my mark this way, aligning it with the priorities of my life and what is important to me. 

Thoughts, June 2015

What is conviction when it shifts as the shoreline shifts with every crashing of the waves? 

My heart stirs for missions; I go around telling people I got my call for missions before I gave my life to Christ; my entire being yearns to dive into missions. But where I am now, I have to wait. My current career promises a lot, especially for a heartland boy like myself without much family asset. This career represents an opportunity to climb up the social ladder and have a break into the medium-high income. So naturally, well-meaning people came around to advise, encourage, and persuade me to reconsider. That is the problem today; anything that hinges on practicality and promises stability would get the nod ahead of any other options, supposedly the more risky ones, and going into missions puts you on the wrong end in terms of the level of acceptance for the risk involved. 

To make this waiting time slightly more bearable and to help me quickly overlook the sentiment of being stuck, I had to give these advice the benefit of doubt. Say if they are really not that bad... And they really aren't. In fact, it is just only recently that I discovered something about the job that I might like, and for the first time in these many years that I really considered the possibility of staying. This can only be good, can't it? That'd mean less dread, more purpose, and surely these would translate into motivation. Except that the initial conviction always came back at me. How deep have I trusted? And have I been delaying my decision due to my lack of faith, or sacrifice? The cost to count- where is God in the picture. 

And then the turmoil settles. In the end, when I finally go into it, I can only say, "you know, I wouldn't have been able to do it myself because humanly the propensity to sway is just too huge; and the dedication to the cross too weak. God kept me there, and therefore here I am to share in His glory." Too often people glorifies the sacrifices made- how God wants the capable and young lads with a bright future to lay it all down and follow Christ, and then these people became lauded as the Christian heroes of our time. I think that is why I like the Exodus movie because Moses, supposedly one of the biggest biblical giant, was portrayed as very human- so human that he was angry with God, and even questioned and doubted God. Then, it is privilege indeed, to be kept and partake in His glory. 

Therefore, conviction says I stand firm in good times and bad, because it is a pact, a covenant I've established with God.

Suffering

In a world as white as Thine;
As grey as mine, or as black as evil can define.
The Son came with grace and mercy so that the Father's glory will shine.
White and black stand in animosity; some grey purifying while the others darken into atrocities.
When the light shines, darkness cease to exist; so I ask.

"Has the heaven already come on earth, or that the Gospel no longer confronts?" For we only stand by righteousness and peace, and the battle only stops when either is true.

Martyrs chose a bloody path, glory entailed their tracks. People have lived by their faith and died. What right have we to say suffering is a forfeiting of privileges? I say, suffering is the giving up of self- when we no longer hold tight to what the world says is our right.

In this age, the struggle persists and we stand wary of a false sense of peace. Being accepting doesn't mean unity, for light and darkness would never unite.

I pray a day that light would prevail, and darkness cease. And that I remain hopeful for the Word hold true to a wonderful promise.

Until that day, I continue to carry my cross, and I shame away to even liken my suffering to that of Christ.

Bless the Lord o my soul as I worship Your holy name.

One Year Ago, Today...

Last year this time (2014), I took my bow and walked out from my university. 3 years of education drew quickly to a close. Much of the time I was searching for something- a purpose, a meaning, or perhaps even an escapade. But in searching for an answer, I gained much much more- friends who would walk with me for the rest of my life; friends who would transform my perspectives; friends whom I like and like me. 

Last year this time, I made a bold decision to graduate. It was a sacrifice to make, but more so a relief. That was quickly followed by my first solo-trip to conquer Rinjani, and then a trip to Kupang to visit my siblings from different parents, finally rounding off with my first ever trip to Khek Noi with Radion. 

I don't think it is fair to attribute any singular event as the milestone or turning point; but those were definitely significant moments in my life. A year on, the sentiments have only grown, and the convictions stronger. 

The Martha Syndrome (struggle)

Martha was feeling aggrieved about her situation. She was busy preparing the table, doing up the decoration, cleaning up the place for the big occasion. I mean, come on, Jesus is in town! Martha was determined to give her best. She was showing Jesus a deserving honour. 
Elsewhere in the bible, the brother of the prodigal son displayed a similar predicament. Spirit of excellence was probably today's equivalence of how he got by. He was trying hard, trying very hard indeed. In fact, in his own words, he was probably doing very well in what he was doing at the point of his brother's return. He thought he was deserving of a celebration for what he had done all the while. 

Isn't that one of modern Christian's phenomenon? Some struggled with it, others thrive along with it; but all these while, one thing suffers: our relationship with God. 

"Mary has chosen for herself that which is good, and no one can take that from her."

Very comforting words, but on reflection, where is the Mary today? How many choose Jesus above our countless other commitments; how many remember to rest upon the feet of the Lord; how many have the same yearning to hear from Him? When we continually justify ourselves using Christianese, self-righteousness creeps in. "Are you going to allow her to just sit there while I slog away? Get her to help me." "I have given you my all, but you never gave me anything to celebrate!" 

Ah, how beautiful is this grace that is from God? 

We choose, and we continually choose. 

It's intentional. It's focused on God. 

Choose for yourself whom you would serve. It's between Papa and us~