Guard Your Heart

Guarding your heart is the key to waiting- when the heart succumb, it loses ground gradually. 

See, 1) it doesn't take personal experience to know that. In fact anyone who grows up in church would have heard about this: guard your heart. So here's a question: how does it look like? What does it mean to guard your heart? 

I'm gonna share about my definition, which... is not enough. I define guarding my heart as establishing a firm bottom line within. It's a personal responsibility and it has to be intentional.

I knew that but I fell nevertheless. 2) Head knowledge is not gonna save us from the moment, especially when the situation becomes misleading. Imagine: the girl is Godly, she drives you closer to God, she encourages you to pray, she shares your heart for the loss, and every other factor seems like a jackpot. Above all, the feeling is mutual. So how?

If it already seems like a difficult situation to deal with, I want to assure you, it is. And from my experience, I want to suggest that there are no instructions to be absolutely sure, but today I want to share about 7 markers/ reminders which can help to guard our heart.  

1. Remind ourselves that not every Godly/good man/woman is for us.  

When we get swept head over toes, don't be like an Anna (Frozen). I don't mean to shun, but I definitely meant not to dive. If our choice is based on how good/nice the other party is, better ones will come along even after marriage. Good ones versus the one! 

2. Don't grow affection before commitment. 

Who amongst us have infatuations/fallen in love before? Personally in all my previous relationships, 1 trend that permeates throughout is an unhealthy amount of messages. For the more daring ones, it could be the number of phone calls, or even the number of meet ups. There is a psychological phenomenon to explain this called the exposure effects. I can't emphasize this enough, especially during the seeking phase- we think we like the person but we are really not sure, so we call it the seeking and asking God phase. But then at the same time, we text the other party on a daily basis, almost everywhere we go. When I was sec 1, I remember I'd send up to 100 smses a day, just talking about nonsense. Even when I was overseas, I'd find every opportunity to text back, and now with whatsapp, wifi spot is like the go-to place. Yes, by being overseas include being on missions as well. And additional point would be that a healthy relationship should not distract us from our ministries!

3. Heed your friends' advice. 

We have our fair share of skeptical and critical friends, so of course I don't mean to take every feedback to be the indisputable truth. But when a friend who genuinely cares and takes time to talk to you, don't dismiss their good intentions. Give it some thoughts, even if it's not pleasing to the ears, and THEN decide whether to heed. 

4. Assess your other friendships. 

A healthy relationship should complement and enhance your existing social circle, not replace it. Are we spending a disproportionately large amount of time on our romantic partners, that our other friendships are being neglected? I fully subscribe to the saying that our wife/husband should become our best friend, notice, it's not the ONLY friend. If our best friend becomes our partner, all's good, but if we are trying to make our partner into our best friend, leave it till after marriage, or at least until we are officially together. Otherwise, it's gonna be an inaccurate assessment. In psych, it's called confirmation bias. 

5. A healthy relationship has nothing to hide. 

I myself came through a relationship which demanded me to keep it underground, and can I suggest that when there is something to hide, then there is something wrong. For my case, I was a non believer back then. Of course I fully respect the fact that a relationship is between two party, and many a times it's kept hush hush to protect both parties, from hurt, from naysayers and from gossips. Kudos to that! But that's only half the truth- more often we lose the clarity and the accountability because it's only between two parties. Regardless of whether it's the seeking phase, or whether we end up together, I ever recall cases whereby I told my friends, hey I have something important to do, and refuse to say what, when in fact I was actually meeting a certain someone, for something that may not be that important after all. 

The above helps us to keep the purity of heart by guarding with the identification of sure signs of a growing relationship (even if by mouth, we claim to be just friends). The last two markers help us to stay pure after entering a relationship. 

6. Start thinking, know early and establish firmly a certain baseline. 

To what extent of intimacy would I allow prior to marriage (if I'm easily tempted then I should set the threshold as stringent as possible- say don't even hold hand). "I don't know" is a lazy excuse during the relationship to evade responsibility. I don't know so you decide and when things go wrong, you'd be responsible for it. Adam blamed God and eve when he was the one who ate the apple. If we really don't know, then we are probably not ready for a relationship, and we should talk to our partner to resolve it maturely and prayerfully. 

7. Keep temptations at bay. 

Not just physical temptation such as lust, but also emotional ones- such as, once again an unhealthy dosage of messages or other activities that we indulge ourselves in because it feels good. I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel good, but if "I love you" is being abused, instead of expressing and informing love, we lose self-control in the process. Ever heard of stories whereby messages exchange look something like this: "you put the phone down first. No, you first. No, after you."
Or something like this: "I love you. No, I love you more. You know what, I love you this much." Yes, in Chinese we call it "情趣". We spice up our relationship by engaging in sweet talks. BUT if the majority of our conversation is this, beware! When love cools off, then maybe we will realize that there isn't much substance and depth in the relationship, so of course don't ever arrive at that. Stay away from tempting situation, and never succumb to indulging ourselves.