65- for a change

Daddy,
I like the feeling of being a participant.
Sometimes I just need a place to rant, some place where I enjoy a little bit of privacy, one which I don't have to be responsible, one which is shut away from the attention of the world, one which even if you see it you will pretend that you haven't. 
It was an enjoyable night, but the spirit could not get high. I think I know what was happening. Those taunts were annoying but at that instant, it did not matter half as much. I was preoccupied with things. 
The deliberate attempt to keep out of the way brought a lot of discomfort. I want to stand by that conviction, yet the heart wavers at any evolution. It felt familiar, almost like how it was a few years back. Yet, fear accumulated from all these years only meant a lot of caution against what is to come- certainly not a hopeful one. The cloud of impossibility looms above- you told me I killed it myself... I felt like an a****** pushing you around, but that was perhaps the best way to help me get out from this agony. Apologies. 
When there is hurt, and when it felt like it matters, maybe the whole matter has gone underway once again. Evolution is tough; uprooting will be painful; starting anew difficult. I did my part. Probably it was the same response- a lack of readiness instead of a decline. To me, a yes would have ended everything, and a drag only meant prolonged sufferings. I am tearing up inside, and the only way is to really keep away. I am very very very very selfish here... 
4 years on from a commitment; rampaged heart, wild mind, irrational thoughts- it was indeed a turbulent 4 years- painful, tough, false-hope, fat-hope, delusion, and definitely life-changing. And it really feels very bad to have an interception come in just like that, not that it's anyone's fault. How can I blame you, or you? I just hate the situation, and how it has landed all of us where we are. I cannot face you now, neither can I face you. I am beginning to wonder if those well-wishes, if they really are fulfilled, will I be able to face it. As of now, just keep me away from it. It's too much to handle...


Daddy,
You have seen the hurt. The moment I came in, You have seen all my wounds. Desperate calls to fill those voids, a state of confusion, and many harmful ways. I was like a drowning child, struggling and grabbing violently to anything that came my way to sustain me (in the process hurting and even killing whatever remains and whatever that came). Lord, if I am able to come through, it's definitely by Your strength that I will be able to do so. Hold me, and guard me. In all these, may Your will be done, and not mine. 
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen!

Your child,

Judah

Drowning in pain I licked my wound;
You brought the rain and hid the moon.
Darkness looms;
Life spells doom.
Cowboy Logan understands,
Through years and seasons Your love withstands.
A gift upon the cross,
Begins a journey we cannot pause.

James 1: 12
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test,
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him."