85- an unlikely

Good morning Daddy. I dreamt about her again. It is so unlikely. It has been 3 years, and it's barely the beginning of this year when I made the commitment to move on. I thought we have both done well. If I was unable to guard myself, then the least I could do was to keep myself away from it. I really did believe I would come through unscathed. The wounds would heal, the pain would numb. But that dream, the context- everything was such a reminiscence of the past. If possible I would have prayed for myself to not ever wake up. "it's been so long," I mentioned in the dream. Indeed, it had been a long long while. But it seemed so unlikely, almost impossible. She will probably never see this, nor will she ever be like her in that dream. She has changed, and I have changed. Over all these years, I have been put through many things that have changed me, perhaps one of those was that that happened 3 years ago. Nevertheless, I have been changed.
Father, You know what's best for me. If I have been called into celibacy, then guard my heart and help me to rejoice in this relationship with You and You alone. I need to know what to do, even if I am not to do anything, Lord, let me know. "reconciliation", "surrender", I heard all these words, so Lord, help me make sense of them all. 
In Christ's name I pray,
Amen!

Your child,

Judah

Seasons change, time flies;
Your plan for me I would comply.
Through the hurt You carried me,
Into places Your plans shall be.

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.